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If you’re a basketball fan, there’s a non-zero chance you’ve heard of St. Benedict’s Preparatory Academy. An all-boys Benedictine prep school established in 1868 in Newark, New Jersey, St. Benedict’s has earned a reputation for being one of the nation’s top high school basketball programs, even before current head coach Mark Taylor took over in 2011. Alums like J.R. Smith and Lance Thomas have made it to the league, but few schools in the nation can match the years-long record of success boasted by the Gray Bees.

The program finds itself under the spotlight in Benedict Men, a new docuseries from Quibi that features Steph Curry as an executive producer and a presenter. On and off the court, viewers are give a glimpse into life at St. Benedict’s, a school that is oftentimes made up of students from underprivileged backgrounds. Still, whether they have NBA aspirations or not, everyone is expected to uphold the school’s motto: “Whatever hurts my brother hurts me; whatever helps my brother helps me.”

Benedict Men makes its debut on Quibi on Monday, Sept. 21. But before then, Dime has your exclusive first look at the series’ trailer.

Additionally, we sat down with Jonathan Hock, the Emmy Award-winning filmmaker who directed this project, to discuss the film, Curry’s involvement, and what it is about basketball that makes it such a great vehicle for storytelling.

How did you get brought on board with this project?

Mark Ciardi is one of the executive producers and he’s a producer who’s done a million amazing, esteemed projects from Miracle to Invincible, Secretariat, and he’s also done some great things in documentaries. We’ve crossed paths over 30 for 30 and have been looking for an opportunity to collaborate. And he was working with the folks at Whistle Sports to try to develop even what they call “premium content,” meaning just more like the kinds of documentaries you might see on ESPN or HBO. And when he told me about St. Benedict’s, I knew about St. Benedict’s, I didn’t know as much as I was about to learn about them, but I was very intrigued.

We went out in August to shoot a couple of days at the end of what’s their summer session. It just blew my mind between Father Ed, this radical old monk who came out of the ’60s all full of fire and piss and vinegar, and the kids were so interesting and so diverse. You had the African kids, you had the Newark kids, you had the suburban kids, and yet they’re so incredibly talented. They were just so interesting to me, the kids. You work with kids sometimes and they’re shy and you’re just an old guy and they’re not too comfortable around you, but these young men were incredibly self-possessed and had a way of dealing with one another and a way of being on camera that was just really compelling and the energy in the school was extraordinary. We knew we had a great project on our hands after those two days and cut together some footage that we’d shot and took it around and happy to find a home with Quibi.

You mentioned that you knew a little bit about St. Benedict’s going in. I feel like if you live in the Tristate area — St. Benedict’s, St. Anthony, St. Patrick — you know the big basketball programs. Was there anything specific based off of the knowledge that you had that you were eager to highlight as you got this project and then started seeing this project through?

Mark shared with me the 60 Minutes piece about Saint Benedict’s and Father Ed, that had aired a few years before, and that was something that I hadn’t known about. I just knew about them for basketball and J.R. Smith and then the other great teams that they’ve had. But what I saw in the 60 Minutes piece was this really radical approach to education and the education of young men of color, based on the idea that the biggest issue they have is living in a world that denies them their own value. That denies them their own definitional authority, meaning young Black and Brown men never get to set the terms of their own existence and never get to be trusted as witnesses to their own existence.

Then here was a school that was dedicated to not only giving them a voice that is heard, but giving them control over how their school is run, how the daily life of the school unfolds is determined by the students at St. Benedict’s. So you are handing the students the reins, to a large degree, in their own lives, and that’s something that young people rarely get anywhere and young people of color never get. I sensed that would be sort of just fascinating to examine, but how that would happen once they go inside the gym doors, because a sports team is a place where the individual voice has to be sublimated to the collective good. This was going to be a challenge to say the least. It was going to be a conflict more than likely, and sure enough, that’s what happened.

That’s why it was super interesting for me, because I knew that this core philosophy of the school and their motto, “Whatever hurts my brother hurts me,” but that’s not really true in youth basketball. Like, my buckets help me, your buckets don’t do nothing for me. That’s the unfortunate reality of youth basketball, and that’s not what they’re trying to teach or coach at St. Benedict’s. A real interesting little laboratory of basketball and society.

There’s a line that I really like in the trailer, “We’re an advanced placement course in basketball.” Looking back in the doc now that you’ve created it, what does that mean to you?

“We’re an advanced placement course in basketball” means that you are in high school, but we are going to treat you as if you are in college and you are going to have a set of expectations that you haven’t had before as a 16 or 17 year old. You are going to be treated as men and we are going to have expectations about you as if you are a man. So you better grow up and get with the program, and that’s a challenge with 16 year olds.

How important was it for you to find that balance between highlighting this power basketball program and what it means for the kids in the program who oftentimes come from backgrounds that, as Steph said, are getting opportunities that are historically denied to them?

That’s the essence of what we were looking for and what we were interested in. This idea of opportunity vs. false hope, and this idea of shared responsibility vs. individual desire. The idea that these kids were expected to be part of both a high-octane, high-performance basketball program, and a high-octane, high-performance educational program, they were going to have to make the accommodations in their lives that would be very difficult for even very privileged young people. For most of these players, they’re not coming from a position of privilege. They’re coming from a whole range of positions, some struggling and their families are struggling, and the family’s hope is in the future of the young men as basketball players and the burden that they have to carry, and the three pillars of their lives: the athletic, the academic, and the family. What a burden they carry. Not a lot of fun, not a fun teenagehood.

Can you run me through Steph’s role in this project?

As executive producer, Steph and Erick [Peyton], and the folks at Unanimous were our guardian angels. What we did was shared content with them to make sure we’re getting the basketball right, for one thing, because Steph Curry is not going to put his name on something where the basketball isn’t right.

Also, Stephen Curry is a really sort of deeply feeling person. It wasn’t that long ago in his life that he was an underdog high school kid. He wasn’t poor, his father was a well-paid NBA athlete, but he was undersized and under-appreciated and underestimated. So that underdog idea, that underdog feeling that he embodied for so long before he became an MVP in the NBA, he spent his life as an underdog.

I think the other thing about him is that he’s a very principled person and it comes from a place of deep faith. St. Benedict’s and Father Ed also coming from a place of deep faith and commitment to a very meaningful sense of morality, a very strong moral compass. As our guardian angels, Stephen and the folks at Unanimous were helping us to keep the right things in focus, because when you shoot 80, 90 days, you get all kinds of stories and all kinds of amazing content that you want to get in there, but we needed to stick to our core story, and those guys really helped with that.

I think with Stephen himself doing the on-camera introductions to the series and an episode in the middle of the series, and later in the series sort of introducing the first act, second act, and third act. I hope it brings the story we were hoping to tell into focus for the audience in a way that not just clues them in, but gets them excited about how profound this all really turned out to be.

You’ve done a ton of sports documentaries in your career, particularly a number of revered basketball documentaries, The Dominican Dream, Unguarded, I have friends who to this day say people need to watch Through the Fire. What is it about sports and particularly basketball that makes them such a great medium for telling stories?

Well, the key to the good sports documentaries in my estimation is that they’re never about the sport. And yet at the same time, the sport itself does provide a crucible for our characters to endure, to pass through, and to take the measure of themselves as individuals. Survive and Advance, and Unguarded, and Dominican Dream, and Through the Fire, certainly — that’s what Through the Fire the title of it was, because these kids really go through that crucible. Basketball, I think, is so great because the characters are so bare, literally. Football makes for beautiful stories and films, but you don’t see the players really when they’re playing, right? Baseball, you’re really far from the players when they’re playing and the action is not as dynamic.

Boxing is the closest thing to basketball in filmmaking because you really see the person as close to naked as possible, and that’s what you’re looking to do in a documentary, you’re looking to reveal the inner truth of a person, and the more exposed they are in their chosen path of performance, the more clearly you can see them and the more truth can be revealed about them.

I think that’s part of why basketball stories tend to be a little more interesting, and to be honest, the African-American story — I know Unguarded certainly wasn’t an African-American story and Surviving and Advance was not a particularly African-American story, although certainly a lot of African-American characters and important players in that — but the-African American story and the challenges of making it in this American society as an African-American person is a much more difficult, and a much more challenging, and a much more interesting predicament for a story. Because every time a young Black man emerges from a situation, whether it’s Coney Island or Newark, he is needing to overcome so much more than just getting good grades and getting some buckets. He’s battling against institutional racism and deeply-seated, conscious and unconscious mistreatment by the mainstream sector of society.

To see young African-American men struggle through that, I think to be honest, that’s something that’s special about basketball stories that you tend to get more in basketball stories than you do in some of the other sports.

Thanks to the headline-grabbing reunion of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and an impressive line-up of A-list stars, the charity table read of Fast Times at Ridgemont High already had people’s attention as the virtual table read kicked off on Thursday night. But nobody could’ve been prepared for what exactly that reunion entailed.

Not only did Pitt and Aniston have to act out the classic pool scene where a bikini-clad Phoebe Cates catches a pants-less Judge Reinhold watching her get out of the pool, but the embarrassing self-love moment was narrated by Morgan Freeman. After the allure of seeing Pitt and Aniston together again died down, Freeman started trending on Twitter for the narration, and frankly, he deserves all of the awards for this level of craftsmanship. In the words of Julia Roberts at the end of the table read, “Morgan Freeman, you’re the MVP!”

You can watch the scene below:

Organized by comedian Dane Cook, the virtual table read raised funds for CORE and REFORM Alliance, and it boasted an all-star cast that included Pitt, Aniston, Freeman, Roberts, Sean Penn, Shia LaBeouf, Matthew McConaughey, Henry Golding, Jimmy Kimmel, and John Legend. As for what prompted Cook to slap together the event, here’s what he told People:

“It’s hard to not have those really great, dare I say, holy s—, entertainment moments, which we have summer to summer — the big movie or the big moment. And when I didn’t see that was happening, when I started seeing the films that I was anticipating most move out of the summertime spot, I thought, man, wouldn’t it be great if somehow, someway we could still create a version of that moment? And I think we have the chance to do that, which is so damn cool.”

According to Cook, Jennifer Aniston was particularly “gung-ho” about the project, and once Julia Roberts was in the bag, he knew this could “go the distance.”

(Via People)

The best new hip-hop albums coming out this week include projects from Armani Caesar, Curren$y and Harry Fraud, GQ, Kamaiyah and Capolow, Lil Tecca, Problem, and Toosii.

Last week’s temporary reprieve from new releases was a nice break — and a needed one — but it’s back to business as usual as mid-September brings a minor blizzard of new projects in hip-hop. It’s a big week for discovery, as the list is dominated by new and independent artists, but there are a few major gems to look into as well.

Here are all the best new hip-hop albums coming out this week.

Armani Caesar — The Liz Tape

The debut album from the “First Lady” of Griselda Records is a departure from early songs like “Big Ole Bag” and “The Nasty Song,” bringing her style more in line with the core members of the Buffalo-based label. With the DJ Premier-produced “Simply Done” leading the way, Armani flexes her wordplay over a variety of sample-driven, traditionalist instrumentals that set her apart from the crowd, but she also shows she can rap over contemporary styles on songs like “Gucci Casket” with labelmate Conway The Machine.

Curren$y and Harry Fraud — The Director’s Cut

Another month, another project from the New Orleans underground rap vet. At this point, you know what you’re getting from both of these artists. The Director’s Cut appears to be a continuation of July’s The OutRunners, plugging in a variety of surprising collabs from the likes of Larry June, Snoop Dogg, Styles P, and Trippie Redd.

GQ — A Midsummer’s Nightmare

9th Wonder’s Jamla Records is on a roll in 2020 despite the pandemic. While Rapsody is clearly the star player, she’s long been surrounded by grounded vets like GQ and exciting rookies such as Reuben Vincent, both of whom are getting their chance to shine this year. While the 19-year-old Vincent dropped Boy Meets World this summer, Oakland native GQ is the next to step up to the plate. Fans won’t be disappointed; all his labelmates praise him as being one of the better lyricists in the crew, and he lives up to his reputation on his first project since 2017.

Kamaiyah and Capolow — Oakland NIghts

Up-and-coming Oakland spitter Capolow gets a timely co-sign from his hometown’s newly independent Kamaiyah. The Town hustle is evident on their quick-hitter, which is full of catchy, post-hyphy bops that will truly make listeners resent lockdown and all those jerks who refused to wear masks back in April. There’s a strong yin-and-yang chemistry between the two, who each have unique approaches to their party-rap instrumentals, making the project more than the sum of its parts.

Lil Tecca — Virgo World

NY native Lil Tecca debuted last year with the mega-hit “Ransom,” dropping his first mixtape We Love You Tecca toward the end of summer. Now, just a little over a year removed from that project, he follows up with the more polished Virgo World. To his credit, he seems much more enthusiastic this time around, while the pandemic provides the perfect cover for his aloof personality to allow the music to shine.

Problem — Coffee & Kush Vol. 2

Oh, another Compton rapper? Listen here, I had to put up with reading 600 words a month about random guys from New York no one outside the tri-state cared about for 20-plus years. You. Will. Deal. Anyway, Problem is way more than just another independent hustler on the rise after nearly a decade of high-quality releases, hit records, and collabs with the likes of local legend DJ Quik. Coffee & Kush refers both to Problem’s favorite indulgences and his latest business endeavor, the Green Hour coffee brand. With guests like Jack Harlow, Jay Rock, Freddie Gibbs, Snoop Dogg, and Terrace Martin, Problem is still the star of the show, speaking to his years of experience and magnetic personality. Give it whirl, because my city is the best.

Toosii — Poetic Pain

Uproxx’s Cherise Johnson spoke to the rising North Carolina rapper in July, highlighting his growing dominance of TikTok and foreshadowing his upcoming project, then titled After The Rain. Since then, Toosii’s rep has only grown, with his talent rising to meet the expectations.

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

75-year-old Northern Irish music legend Van Morrison has been as productive as ever lately, as he has released eight albums over the past decade. The reception those projects enjoyed was mostly warm, but his next endeavor is more likely to ruffle some feathers: He’s planning to release a series of anti-lockdown songs.

Morrison said of the songs in a statement, “I’m not telling people what to do or think, the government is doing a great job of that already. It’s about freedom of choice. I believe people should have the right to think for themselves.”

BBC reports that Morrison will be releasing three songs in the near future, with the first of them, “Born To Be Free,” arriving next week. He sings on the track, “The new normal is not normal / It’s no kind of normal at all / Everyone seems to have amnesia / Don’t need the government cramping my style / Give them an inch, they take a mile.”

Meanwhile, he says on “No More Lockdown,” “No more lockdown / No more government outreach / No more fascist bullies / Disturbing our peace.” “As I Walked Out” also features the lyrics, “Well, on the government website from the 21st March, 2020 / It said COVID-19 was no longer high risk / Then two days later / They put us under lockdown.”

Northern Ireland’s health minister Robin Swann isn’t on board with the new songs, saying, “I don’t know where he gets his facts. I know where the emotions are on this, but I will say that sort of messaging is dangerous.”

This comes about a month after Morrison slammed the “pseudo-science” behind the coronavirus, writing on his website, “I call on my fellow singers, musicians, writers, producers, promoters, and others in the industry to fight with me on this. Come forward, stand up, fight the pseudo-science, and speak up.”

The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items could vary, as could the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday, and we are here to have some fun.

ITEM NUMBER ONE — Honestly, I’m just here for the anarchy

It seems impossible on maybe three or four different levels that the Emmys are this Sunday, but here we are. It’s weird. A few months ago there was nothing going on. Now, baseball, football, and basketball are all happening at once, and there’s an election heating up, and screw it, let’s hand out some television awards, too. It’s madness. It’s chaos. I kind of love it.

I especially kind of love it because this year’s ceremony will be unprecedented in a few ways, starting with the fact that there won’t be a live audience at all, and continuing to the thing where… uh, even the people in charge still don’t know exactly how any of it is going to work. From a report by CNBC:

“It is sort of a logistic nightmare,” Stewart said jokingly, according to media reports. “It’s gonna be great. How could it possibly go wrong?”

The production team as well as Kimmel seem to be taking the possibility of disaster in stride, fully expecting that things will go wrong and they will need to adapt quickly.

It gets even better when you think about the acceptance speeches, which will be broadcast live from the winners’ homes, thanks to a huge complicated production that involved shipping 130 cameras to 10 different countries so every nominee would be ready in case they win, and a Pentagon-like setup inside the Staples Center to monitor it all.

Producer Ian Stewart likened the daunting production process to “trying to watch 130 sports matches at the same time,” during a virtual round table with reporters Wednesday.

Nominees were sent a ring light, a laptop, a boom mic and a camera as part of the package. Winners will give their acceptance speeches and then be transferred over to a virtual press room to conduct quick press conferences with reporters.

I lied earlier. I don’t kind of love it. I completely love it. This is the most excited I’ve been to watch the Emmys since… hmm. I think this actually might be the first time I am excited to watch the Emmys. Look at that. Another precedent broken. It’s just the unknown of it all, the possibility that something could go wildly wrong and throw the whole thing into anarchy. I live for that. That is my favorite thing. Light the building on fire and hold the ceremony inside the flaming auditorium for all I care. Release a tiger. Let’s do it all.

That said, after plenty of thought, I have identified four potentially chaotic situations that could take the night right of its tracks, and I want to see them all.

THE “WE’RE JUST LIKE YOU” CONTEST

Celebrities are, by and large, more attractive and more wealthy than the people watching these shows at home. We love this at award shows, all the glamour and fancy clothes and jewelry that costs more than your car. I suspect we will not like it as much when we see them in their homes, during a pandemic. What I’m saying is that we should be prepared for a ton of Casual Friday-ass outfits and cameras set up in front of the blandest and civilian-looking corners of their beautiful California homes.

I hope one person goes the opposite way and films their acceptance speech wearing a ball gown while drinking champagne on a huge raft in their beautiful swimming pool that overlooks the Pacific. I would honestly respect it.

CHILDREN CRASHING AN ACCEPTANCE SPEECH

Basically just this video — one of my favorite things that has ever happened on television — but it’s Ted Danson’s house. Or Cousin Greg’s. Or Cousin Greg accidentally bursting into Ted Danson’s house mid-speech.

BIT CALAMITY

Ugh, so many people are going to try to get very cute with all of this, bit-wise, and most of them are going to be bad. Granted, bits are usually bad in these situations, but they could be extra bad here. My hope is that one of them goes so poorly that someone knocks over the lights or the entire camera and we are left watching a still shot of carpet and feet as people scurry around saying filthy cuss words. I kind of hope it happens to Olivia Colman, not because I bear her any ill-will (quite the opposite!), just because I think she would handle it in a very profane and charming way.

A SUPERVILLAIN HIJACKS THE BROADCAST FROM A HOLLOWED-OUT VOLCANO AND DEMANDS A RANSOM TO RELINQUISH CONTROL

Can’t rule it out. Even better if the supervillain instead demands the Best Actress award be given to Rhea Seehorn, who was somehow not even nominated. Even better if the supervillain is Rhea Seehorn herself, fueled by rage at the snub and ready to exact her revenge.

Can’t rule that out either, I guess. Enjoy the show!

ITEM NUMBER TWO — How far do you think you could throw Baby Yoda?

The trailer for the second season of The Mandalorian dropped this week, which brings up an important point that I brought up one time in the Uproxx slack and got yelled at about, but will do again here in the interest of, I don’t know, science? Whatever, here goes: How far do you think you could throw Baby Yoda?

Don’t look at me like that. It’s a fair question. He’ll be fine. We can put down a big air mattress in the landing area. And he can probably control his own flight in the air if it gets dicey. I bet he’ll like it, to be honest. He’ll be fine. He’ll be fine.

But seriously, what do you think? There are a bunch of unknowns here that need to be sorted out, I guess. How much does Baby Yoda weigh? Is he a dense little guy? What’s the best way to throw him? Just kind of heave him forward like a chest pass? Or are we thinking this is like an Olympic hammer throw situation?

Like this, but with Baby Yoda.

I know I could not throw Baby Yoda very far because I am disabled (spinal cord injury, wheelchair, etc.), but I’m interested in how far YOU think YOU could throw Baby Yoda. Think about it a lot this weekend. Feel free to email me your estimated distance and reasoning when you figure it out. I am barely joking about this. Sometimes a weird thought gets into my head and I absolutely cannot get it out. This is one of those times. Let’s talk through it.

ITEM NUMBER THREE — Some shows I am looking forward to, as of this week, when I first heard about them

Good news and bad news. Bad first: No one is making a show about Korg. Yet. No one is making a show about Korg yet. Someone should, though, because Korg is the best. Maybe you can make a show about Korg. I bet you can do it. You’re smart and funny and ambitious. You could make a good show about Korg, I bet. Think about it.

Good news: I posted the Korg video for two important reasons:

• I like it a lot and really wanted to post it
• The man who created and voiced Korg, filmmaker and rascal Taika Waititi, has a new television project in the works at HBO Max

To the trades!

The WarnerMedia-backed streamer has handed out a straight-to-series order to Our Flag Means Death, a period comedy loosely based on the adventures of Stede Bonnet, a pampered aristocrat who abandoned his life of privilege to become a pirate. Created by showrunner David Jenkins, Waititi will exec produce and direct the pilot.

Taika Waititi’s hit rate is absurd, between Ragnarok and Jojo Rabbit and What We Do in the Shadows, so it is the official position of this column to get pretty freaking jazzed about any and all upcoming projects he’s involved in, especially if they feature pampered fancy boys named Stede who want to become pirates. Yes, please and thank you. This will do just fine.

And guess what: There’s more good news. Another interesting show was announced this week, this one a completely deranged-sounding project from Steven Conrad, creator of my beloved Patriot, a show I will continue yelling at you to watch even after you’ve watched it. (“Watch it again, then!”)

Back to the trades!

Created by Conrad, the Mega City Smiths story unfolds via the stop-motion animation of baby dolls repurposed as a grown-up cast of characters. The series hinges on an investigation into the mysterious disappearance of fictional metropolis Mega City’s most famous magnate. Two intrepid detectives follow the case, rallying to fight against their city’s dangerous corruption, at a high cost to themselves and their families, all in pursuit of a gentler place to call home.

What a weird sounding show! I am typically very much against creepy dolls masquerading as humans. No thank you to that, I say, occasionally adding a “feh.” But, as with Taika, Conrad gets the benefit of the doubt on this one because of his track record. Because I loved Patriot so much. I’ll watch your nutso dollcop show, you freak! I’ll watch it and I’ll probably love it despite every fiber of my body sounding alarm bells and smashing warning buzzers. I don’t know if I have a higher compliment to give than this. We’re headed towards “okay, fine, I’ll forgive Tarantino his skeezy feet closeups even though feet are revolting” territory here. Huge development.

ITEM NUMBER FOUR — I’m sorry, but I respect it

There’s a Madonna biopic on the way, which is not a surprise because Madonna has been a huge star and an icon for like four decades now. Any musician with that track record eventually gets a biopic. Those are the rules. Billy Joel will get one someday and your mom will be so excited. No, this is all very normal. Where it gets weird is the second part: The upcoming Madonna biopic will be directed by… Madonna.

In what seems to be an unprecedented creative move, the pop icon will direct a film about her life and career — one that’s been heavily teased on her social media accounts, through script sessions with her Oscar-winning co-writer Diablo Cody.

Please leap past the thing where Madonna is directing her own life story. We’ll loop back around to that, I swear. For now, please focus on this aspect of it all: Picture the actress who eventually gets cast as Madonna taking direction on how to correctly portray Madonna from Madonna herself. I mean, no pressure, but Jesus Christ, you know? I have this image in my brain of, like, Florence Pugh as Madonna trying to work her way through a scene as the real Madonna keeps yelling CUT and saying “Actually, I did it like this.” Poor Florence Pugh. Also, cast Florence Pugh in this. That would be cool.

Anyway, to the “directing your own biopic” thing, before you get all shouty, consider this.

That Madonna, whose staggering five-decade career has seen countless musical reinventions and a run at filmmaking and acting, would direct her own journey from New York City’s slums to the heights of global stardom is beyond rare. The super-famous are often involved peripherally as creative consultants and executive producers in their own adapted stories (like recent awards players like “Bohemian Rhapsody” and “Rocketman”).

At least this way is honest about it. If it sucks, we can point right at the source instead of at some third-party director whose hands were secretly tied behind the scenes. I have thought about this a lot (90 seconds as I’m writing this paragraph), and I have no choice but to respect it just for the sheer audacity of it all. And because it made me picture a version of Walk Hard that was directed by Dewey Cox. So even if nothing else comes from any this, it might give someone fodder for a new biopic satire. That’s not nothing. A Walk Hard or a Popstar only comes along so often. We should appreciate anything that might get us back to that land of plenty.

ITEM NUMBER FIVE — The robots are swearing at us

I will need more time to wrap my head around the general concept of humans programming robots to cuss at us for our own enjoyment, but while I’m doing that (and it could be weeks), you can think on this: The Samuel L. Jackson app from Alexa is getting an update that will make it five times more profane.

As part of Jackson’s new repertoire on Alexa, if you ask “Hey Samuel, roast me” you will get responses including “Why the f— do you want to be roasted? You really think you can handle that?” and “I’m just gonna ignore that request, because if I really roast you, your sorry ass will be destroyed on impact.”

Again, this is weird, right? Like, it’s cool, in theory, but it’s also weird. Imagine explaining it to someone from the 1970s.

“What’s the future like? Do you guys have robots?”

“Hell yeah. Lots of them.”

“What do they do? Like, make dinner, do laundry, mow the grass, all the stuff we get tired of doing?”

“This one calls you a piece of shit sometimes.”

“… Why?”

“I dunno. We like it?”

Yeah, I’ll need some time with this. Especially because it gets even weirder.

Note that Jackson didn’t need to sit in recording studio to speak the thousands of new phrases for Alexa. His virtual voice is synthesized using Amazon’s Neural Text-to-Speech technology, which replicates speech patterns after being “trained” by a set of a person’s voice recordings.

I want to hate this. I want to hate that we’re training robots to be rude to us using the artificially-generated voices of our most beloved figures. It should be so easy to hate it. The problem is that it kind of fits along perfectly with the best idea I’ve ever had in my entire stupid life.

So, yes. Very conflicted. Will report back.

READER MAIL

If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or whatever you want, shoot them to me on Twitter or at [email protected] (put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line). I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.

From Julie:

I just wanted to thank you for the Ted Lasso recommendation. My husband and son and I watched all the available episodes this week and it was exactly as calming and joyous as you promised. (My son has been running around the house shouting “Danny Rojas! Football is life!” all week.) It was a much needed mental break in the middle of a tornado. Please don’t stop recommending fun, nice shows like this. Especially now.

Julie, do not worry. I will gladly continue recommending shows that are fun and nice, in large part because that’s just about all my brain can handle right now. Dave on FX/Hulu is fun as heck if you like shows that are mostly dick jokes but have heart. What We Do in the Shadows is just silly as all hell. There’s a new season of Big Mouth coming soon and that show is completely nuts and occasionally heartfelt but mostly a crazy goof parade. Joe Pera Talks With You is the nicest show on television and most episodes are like 12 minutes or less. Schitt’s Creek is a delight if you still haven’t seen it yet for some reason.

There you go! Nice shows! Log off and go watch them! Until the middle of November at least.

AND NOW, THE NEWS

To Canada!

Police in Canada believe a sophisticated network of criminals is targeting transport trucks across the country, after seven hot tubs and C$230,000 (US$175,000) worth of beef were stolen in a brazen daylight theft.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a Canadian beef and hot tub heist. I can’t possibly explain how happy this makes me. Beef and hot tubs! Hot tub and beef! Stolen in the same week! In Canada! The same country that famously fell victim to a multimillion-dollar maple syrup heist! What is going on up there?!

The article gets into the specifics, the short version of which goes something like this: Employees at warehouses around Canada have been getting tricked by criminals who show up with fraudulent paperwork and run off with trucks full of stuff — hot tubs, beef, etc. — before the employees realize what happened. Which is interesting, I guess, but it’s mostly just information I needed to give you to put this truly incredible quote in context.

“It’s the first time in my 12 years of policing that I’ve seen this type of thing, certainly this amount of hot tubs or stolen beef,” Cpl Rob Gilles of the RCMP’s Thorsby detachment told the Guardian.

“Certainly this amount of hot tubs or stolen beef.” I love that part of the quote very much because it implies there is an amount of hot tubs and stolen beef that he is accustomed to dealing with. Just not this much. I wonder what the line is. Three stolen hot tubs? Four? I could ask questions about this forever, but I won’t, because the plot is about to thicken.

In both instances, the drivers said they were from the same company and presented forged documents. Police believe the two events are linked, but said the matter was part of an ongoing investigation.

THE BEEF AND HOT TUB HEIST WERE RELATED

POSSIBLY

AND THERE’S AN ONGOING INVESTIGATION

ONGOING

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN

IS THERE A TASK FORCE

CAN I BE ON IT

CAN I BE ON THE BEEF AND JACUZZI HEIST TASK FORCE

CAN I TELL EVERYONE MY NAME IS DETECTIVE BEEF JACUZZI

COME ON

HOLD ON

THERE’S ANOTHER BLOCKQUOTE COMING

Earlier this summer, crab meat valued at more than C$1m was stolen in the province of New Brunswick, according to reporting by the Globe and Mail. In the seafood heist, drivers also used forged transport documents.

I know the most likely explanation here involves selling these things on the black market, but I’m going to go ahead and keep pretending there’s some Canadian maniac — or group of maniacs — planning the most outrageous end of summer cookout in the history of the world. Just dozens of people lounging in hot tubs and gorging on crabs and beef. If we see a story in the next few days about a hijacked Molson truck, we’ll know I’m onto something.

Detective Beef Jacuzzi reporting for duty.

It was never a question of whether Jim Hopper, who appeared to die (“die”) in the Stranger Things season three finale, would return in season four — it was how would he would return. Actor David Harbour was initially cagey about the identity of “the American,” but now he’s straight-up comparing Hopper’s resurrection to that of Gandalf from the Lord of the Rings. “I knew. We knew. We had talked about it,” he told Total Film. “I just wanted to preserve the fantasy for everyone. And it’s such a weird position that we’re in now with so much media, that everybody wants to talk to you about it.”

I would prefer to talk to Harbour about playing Oscar the Grouch or his Vegas marriage to Lily Allen (yes, that Lily Allen, the one who wrote a song about how her brother Alfie, a.k.a. Theon on Game of Thrones, is lazy as hell), but I understand his point.

Harbour claims Stranger Things creators the Duffer brothers told him from the get-go about Hopper’s arc. “I’ve had those discussions with them from the very first season. We were always interested in that idea of the Gandalf resurrection – Gandalf the Grey who fights the Balrog and then becomes Gandalf the White. It’s the idea of the resurrection of the character. And mythologically, Hopper, in a sense, had to change. I mean, you couldn’t go on the way he was going on. He has to resurrect in some way,” he explained.

I’m sorry. I still can’t get over the Lily Allen thing.

It’s adorable, and I have no idea why it makes me so happy. Mazel tov to them!

(Via Total Film)

Remember Bill O’Reilly? You know it’s been a long few years for the memory of his Fox News domination to fade so quickly after his 2017 ouster following revelations that he paid out over $30 million for sexual harassment settlements. Media analyst Howard Kurtz once described him as “the biggest star in the 20 year history at Fox News,” but O’Reilly was quickly relegated to his own sidelines after, uh, stories about him grunting like a wild boar. He tried podcasting and then started a bizarre conspiracy theory about clothing sizes, and now, he’s reminding everyone that he’s still kicking.

Following Joe Biden’s competent performance at Thursday night’s CNN Town Hall, O’Reilly grew suspicious because — and this is just a guess — he’s not used to seeing a candidate arrive prepared for an event? In all fairness, it has been an atypical last three-and-a-half years. He may not realize that watching a president shout about opening up the schools while a pandemic rages (and saying something entirely different in the background) is not normal. O’Reilly appears to now believe that shenanigans are afoot (because Trump declared that Biden is “sleepy Joe,” and the GOP constantly makes suggestions about his mental acuity), and Biden must somehow be cheating.

“Looks to me that Biden had an idea of what the questions would be,” the former evening talk titan declared. “At least areas of questioning.”

Twitter is calling it: O’Reilly and friends are “SHOOK.” They can’t seem to wrap their heads around a rival candidate (who they accused of having dementia) succeeding at a town hall, so they don’t see past the flawed logic of accusing him of memorizing dozens of questions and answers. As one user put it, “You can’t make this crap up!”

Aaaaand a friendly reminder:

As Kanye West continues his Twitter crusade against Universal and Def Jam for ownership of his masters, some sources have reinterpreted elements of his contracts — which he posted page-by-page to Twitter a few days ago — to insinuate that Jay-Z “sold out” Kanye for ownership of his own Reasonable Doubt masters in 2005. As part of Jay’s agreement to take over as Def Jam president, he made a deal with then-CEO LA Reid for ownership to revert to himself in exchange for his shares in Roc-A-Fella Records, where Kanye was originally signed.

A few outlets have since reported this as a “shady business move” on the part of Jay, believing this meant Jay sold the masters of all his Roc-A-Fella artists to Def Jam in exchange for control of his own. However, as a subsidiary of Def Jam, Roc-A-Fella’s catalog would have already fallen under ownership of Def Jam in the first place, so this reading betrays a dire misunderstanding of how things work.

Meanwhile, Kanye himself made sure to set the record straight on Twitter, posting a screenshot of a post from one such outlet and warning, “Don’t let the system pit us against each other.” He reminded followers that he still considers Jay his “brother,” despite their falling out, and that he has “eternal love for all artist that have been through and are still trapped this crooked system.” He also suggested that “Jay still doesn’t get his own masters back for ten years,” a revelation sure to delight the infamously private Jay.

Kanye left off with a promise that “I will see to it that we all get our masters.”

The 2019-20 NBA season did not end the way Giannis Antetokounmpo and the Milwaukee Bucks wanted, but on an individual level, this campaign will end the same as the last for the reigning league MVP. According to Adrian Wojnarowski of ESPN, Antetokounmpo has been named the NBA’s Most Valuable Player for the second year in a row, adding to his personal trophy case for the second time this year — the Greek Freak was also named the league’s Defensive Player of the Year.

Per Marc Stein of the New York Times, the official announcement is coming a little later this afternoon, but even before news of Antetokounmpo’s second consecutive coronation became official, it was hard to see anyone beating him for this award. For how good LeBron James was during the 2019-20 season, Antetokounmpo was flat-out dominant, averaging career-best marks in scoring (29.5 a game) and rebounding (13.6 a night) while pitching in 5.6 assists, a steal, and a block per game. The cut-off for MVP voting was before the NBA’s COVID-19 hiatus in March, and in that time, Antetokounmpo led the Bucks to a league-best 53-12 record.

With the win, Antetokounmpo becomes the 12th player to win consecutive MVP awards, and the first since Steph Curry went back-to-back in the 2014-15 and 2015-16 seasons. It is unclear whether Antetokounmpo won this award unanimously, something that only Curry has accomplished.

Jon Hamm has adopted a new rescue dog, and sadly, he didn’t name his new pooch “Dog Draper,” but it’s still a heartwarming tale.

According to the non-profit animal welfare group I Stand With My Pack, at only four months old, Splash was abandoned twice at a shelter by would-be adopters over the summer because he had “too much puppy energy.” The welfare group stepped in to find a good home for the boisterous pup, and man, did they knock it out of the park. After being contacted by the group, Hamm scooped up Splash who now “lives a fairy tale life,” according to an Instagram post from I Stand With My Pack:

Considering Hamm’s history of advocating for rescue dog adoption, and his emotional heartbreak when his beloved dog Cora died, Splash is in good hands. You can also see videos of the good boy’s puppy energy that made him too much of a handful for lesser mortals than the handsome Mad Men star below:

Splash isn’t the only thing that Hamm has rescued lately. The actor recently signed on to to be the latest leading man to revive the classic Fletch series made popular by Chevy Chase in the ’80s. Hamm and Superbad director Greg Mottola have a reboot ready to go at Miramax, and this time, Fletch might actually happen. Here’s the official synopsis:

In a mysterious chain of wild events, Fletch finds himself in the middle of multiple murders — one of which pins him as a prime suspect. While on a quest to prove his innocence, Fletch is tasked with finding his fiancée’s stolen art collection, the only inheritance she’s acquired after her father goes missing and is presumed dead. Zev Borow, consulting producer of the Lethal Weapon TV series, will be penning the feature adaptation.

Here’s hoping they’ll film near a nice park for Splash.

(Via I Stand With My Pack on Instagram)