GoneTrending

75-year-old Northern Irish music legend Van Morrison has been as productive as ever lately, as he has released eight albums over the past decade. The reception those projects enjoyed was mostly warm, but his next endeavor is more likely to ruffle some feathers: He’s planning to release a series of anti-lockdown songs.

Morrison said of the songs in a statement, “I’m not telling people what to do or think, the government is doing a great job of that already. It’s about freedom of choice. I believe people should have the right to think for themselves.”

BBC reports that Morrison will be releasing three songs in the near future, with the first of them, “Born To Be Free,” arriving next week. He sings on the track, “The new normal is not normal / It’s no kind of normal at all / Everyone seems to have amnesia / Don’t need the government cramping my style / Give them an inch, they take a mile.”

Meanwhile, he says on “No More Lockdown,” “No more lockdown / No more government outreach / No more fascist bullies / Disturbing our peace.” “As I Walked Out” also features the lyrics, “Well, on the government website from the 21st March, 2020 / It said COVID-19 was no longer high risk / Then two days later / They put us under lockdown.”

Northern Ireland’s health minister Robin Swann isn’t on board with the new songs, saying, “I don’t know where he gets his facts. I know where the emotions are on this, but I will say that sort of messaging is dangerous.”

This comes about a month after Morrison slammed the “pseudo-science” behind the coronavirus, writing on his website, “I call on my fellow singers, musicians, writers, producers, promoters, and others in the industry to fight with me on this. Come forward, stand up, fight the pseudo-science, and speak up.”

The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items could vary, as could the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday, and we are here to have some fun.

ITEM NUMBER ONE — Honestly, I’m just here for the anarchy

It seems impossible on maybe three or four different levels that the Emmys are this Sunday, but here we are. It’s weird. A few months ago there was nothing going on. Now, baseball, football, and basketball are all happening at once, and there’s an election heating up, and screw it, let’s hand out some television awards, too. It’s madness. It’s chaos. I kind of love it.

I especially kind of love it because this year’s ceremony will be unprecedented in a few ways, starting with the fact that there won’t be a live audience at all, and continuing to the thing where… uh, even the people in charge still don’t know exactly how any of it is going to work. From a report by CNBC:

“It is sort of a logistic nightmare,” Stewart said jokingly, according to media reports. “It’s gonna be great. How could it possibly go wrong?”

The production team as well as Kimmel seem to be taking the possibility of disaster in stride, fully expecting that things will go wrong and they will need to adapt quickly.

It gets even better when you think about the acceptance speeches, which will be broadcast live from the winners’ homes, thanks to a huge complicated production that involved shipping 130 cameras to 10 different countries so every nominee would be ready in case they win, and a Pentagon-like setup inside the Staples Center to monitor it all.

Producer Ian Stewart likened the daunting production process to “trying to watch 130 sports matches at the same time,” during a virtual round table with reporters Wednesday.

Nominees were sent a ring light, a laptop, a boom mic and a camera as part of the package. Winners will give their acceptance speeches and then be transferred over to a virtual press room to conduct quick press conferences with reporters.

I lied earlier. I don’t kind of love it. I completely love it. This is the most excited I’ve been to watch the Emmys since… hmm. I think this actually might be the first time I am excited to watch the Emmys. Look at that. Another precedent broken. It’s just the unknown of it all, the possibility that something could go wildly wrong and throw the whole thing into anarchy. I live for that. That is my favorite thing. Light the building on fire and hold the ceremony inside the flaming auditorium for all I care. Release a tiger. Let’s do it all.

That said, after plenty of thought, I have identified four potentially chaotic situations that could take the night right of its tracks, and I want to see them all.

THE “WE’RE JUST LIKE YOU” CONTEST

Celebrities are, by and large, more attractive and more wealthy than the people watching these shows at home. We love this at award shows, all the glamour and fancy clothes and jewelry that costs more than your car. I suspect we will not like it as much when we see them in their homes, during a pandemic. What I’m saying is that we should be prepared for a ton of Casual Friday-ass outfits and cameras set up in front of the blandest and civilian-looking corners of their beautiful California homes.

I hope one person goes the opposite way and films their acceptance speech wearing a ball gown while drinking champagne on a huge raft in their beautiful swimming pool that overlooks the Pacific. I would honestly respect it.

CHILDREN CRASHING AN ACCEPTANCE SPEECH

Basically just this video — one of my favorite things that has ever happened on television — but it’s Ted Danson’s house. Or Cousin Greg’s. Or Cousin Greg accidentally bursting into Ted Danson’s house mid-speech.

BIT CALAMITY

Ugh, so many people are going to try to get very cute with all of this, bit-wise, and most of them are going to be bad. Granted, bits are usually bad in these situations, but they could be extra bad here. My hope is that one of them goes so poorly that someone knocks over the lights or the entire camera and we are left watching a still shot of carpet and feet as people scurry around saying filthy cuss words. I kind of hope it happens to Olivia Colman, not because I bear her any ill-will (quite the opposite!), just because I think she would handle it in a very profane and charming way.

A SUPERVILLAIN HIJACKS THE BROADCAST FROM A HOLLOWED-OUT VOLCANO AND DEMANDS A RANSOM TO RELINQUISH CONTROL

Can’t rule it out. Even better if the supervillain instead demands the Best Actress award be given to Rhea Seehorn, who was somehow not even nominated. Even better if the supervillain is Rhea Seehorn herself, fueled by rage at the snub and ready to exact her revenge.

Can’t rule that out either, I guess. Enjoy the show!

ITEM NUMBER TWO — How far do you think you could throw Baby Yoda?

The trailer for the second season of The Mandalorian dropped this week, which brings up an important point that I brought up one time in the Uproxx slack and got yelled at about, but will do again here in the interest of, I don’t know, science? Whatever, here goes: How far do you think you could throw Baby Yoda?

Don’t look at me like that. It’s a fair question. He’ll be fine. We can put down a big air mattress in the landing area. And he can probably control his own flight in the air if it gets dicey. I bet he’ll like it, to be honest. He’ll be fine. He’ll be fine.

But seriously, what do you think? There are a bunch of unknowns here that need to be sorted out, I guess. How much does Baby Yoda weigh? Is he a dense little guy? What’s the best way to throw him? Just kind of heave him forward like a chest pass? Or are we thinking this is like an Olympic hammer throw situation?

Like this, but with Baby Yoda.

I know I could not throw Baby Yoda very far because I am disabled (spinal cord injury, wheelchair, etc.), but I’m interested in how far YOU think YOU could throw Baby Yoda. Think about it a lot this weekend. Feel free to email me your estimated distance and reasoning when you figure it out. I am barely joking about this. Sometimes a weird thought gets into my head and I absolutely cannot get it out. This is one of those times. Let’s talk through it.

ITEM NUMBER THREE — Some shows I am looking forward to, as of this week, when I first heard about them

Good news and bad news. Bad first: No one is making a show about Korg. Yet. No one is making a show about Korg yet. Someone should, though, because Korg is the best. Maybe you can make a show about Korg. I bet you can do it. You’re smart and funny and ambitious. You could make a good show about Korg, I bet. Think about it.

Good news: I posted the Korg video for two important reasons:

• I like it a lot and really wanted to post it
• The man who created and voiced Korg, filmmaker and rascal Taika Waititi, has a new television project in the works at HBO Max

To the trades!

The WarnerMedia-backed streamer has handed out a straight-to-series order to Our Flag Means Death, a period comedy loosely based on the adventures of Stede Bonnet, a pampered aristocrat who abandoned his life of privilege to become a pirate. Created by showrunner David Jenkins, Waititi will exec produce and direct the pilot.

Taika Waititi’s hit rate is absurd, between Ragnarok and Jojo Rabbit and What We Do in the Shadows, so it is the official position of this column to get pretty freaking jazzed about any and all upcoming projects he’s involved in, especially if they feature pampered fancy boys named Stede who want to become pirates. Yes, please and thank you. This will do just fine.

And guess what: There’s more good news. Another interesting show was announced this week, this one a completely deranged-sounding project from Steven Conrad, creator of my beloved Patriot, a show I will continue yelling at you to watch even after you’ve watched it. (“Watch it again, then!”)

Back to the trades!

Created by Conrad, the Mega City Smiths story unfolds via the stop-motion animation of baby dolls repurposed as a grown-up cast of characters. The series hinges on an investigation into the mysterious disappearance of fictional metropolis Mega City’s most famous magnate. Two intrepid detectives follow the case, rallying to fight against their city’s dangerous corruption, at a high cost to themselves and their families, all in pursuit of a gentler place to call home.

What a weird sounding show! I am typically very much against creepy dolls masquerading as humans. No thank you to that, I say, occasionally adding a “feh.” But, as with Taika, Conrad gets the benefit of the doubt on this one because of his track record. Because I loved Patriot so much. I’ll watch your nutso dollcop show, you freak! I’ll watch it and I’ll probably love it despite every fiber of my body sounding alarm bells and smashing warning buzzers. I don’t know if I have a higher compliment to give than this. We’re headed towards “okay, fine, I’ll forgive Tarantino his skeezy feet closeups even though feet are revolting” territory here. Huge development.

ITEM NUMBER FOUR — I’m sorry, but I respect it

There’s a Madonna biopic on the way, which is not a surprise because Madonna has been a huge star and an icon for like four decades now. Any musician with that track record eventually gets a biopic. Those are the rules. Billy Joel will get one someday and your mom will be so excited. No, this is all very normal. Where it gets weird is the second part: The upcoming Madonna biopic will be directed by… Madonna.

In what seems to be an unprecedented creative move, the pop icon will direct a film about her life and career — one that’s been heavily teased on her social media accounts, through script sessions with her Oscar-winning co-writer Diablo Cody.

Please leap past the thing where Madonna is directing her own life story. We’ll loop back around to that, I swear. For now, please focus on this aspect of it all: Picture the actress who eventually gets cast as Madonna taking direction on how to correctly portray Madonna from Madonna herself. I mean, no pressure, but Jesus Christ, you know? I have this image in my brain of, like, Florence Pugh as Madonna trying to work her way through a scene as the real Madonna keeps yelling CUT and saying “Actually, I did it like this.” Poor Florence Pugh. Also, cast Florence Pugh in this. That would be cool.

Anyway, to the “directing your own biopic” thing, before you get all shouty, consider this.

That Madonna, whose staggering five-decade career has seen countless musical reinventions and a run at filmmaking and acting, would direct her own journey from New York City’s slums to the heights of global stardom is beyond rare. The super-famous are often involved peripherally as creative consultants and executive producers in their own adapted stories (like recent awards players like “Bohemian Rhapsody” and “Rocketman”).

At least this way is honest about it. If it sucks, we can point right at the source instead of at some third-party director whose hands were secretly tied behind the scenes. I have thought about this a lot (90 seconds as I’m writing this paragraph), and I have no choice but to respect it just for the sheer audacity of it all. And because it made me picture a version of Walk Hard that was directed by Dewey Cox. So even if nothing else comes from any this, it might give someone fodder for a new biopic satire. That’s not nothing. A Walk Hard or a Popstar only comes along so often. We should appreciate anything that might get us back to that land of plenty.

ITEM NUMBER FIVE — The robots are swearing at us

I will need more time to wrap my head around the general concept of humans programming robots to cuss at us for our own enjoyment, but while I’m doing that (and it could be weeks), you can think on this: The Samuel L. Jackson app from Alexa is getting an update that will make it five times more profane.

As part of Jackson’s new repertoire on Alexa, if you ask “Hey Samuel, roast me” you will get responses including “Why the f— do you want to be roasted? You really think you can handle that?” and “I’m just gonna ignore that request, because if I really roast you, your sorry ass will be destroyed on impact.”

Again, this is weird, right? Like, it’s cool, in theory, but it’s also weird. Imagine explaining it to someone from the 1970s.

“What’s the future like? Do you guys have robots?”

“Hell yeah. Lots of them.”

“What do they do? Like, make dinner, do laundry, mow the grass, all the stuff we get tired of doing?”

“This one calls you a piece of shit sometimes.”

“… Why?”

“I dunno. We like it?”

Yeah, I’ll need some time with this. Especially because it gets even weirder.

Note that Jackson didn’t need to sit in recording studio to speak the thousands of new phrases for Alexa. His virtual voice is synthesized using Amazon’s Neural Text-to-Speech technology, which replicates speech patterns after being “trained” by a set of a person’s voice recordings.

I want to hate this. I want to hate that we’re training robots to be rude to us using the artificially-generated voices of our most beloved figures. It should be so easy to hate it. The problem is that it kind of fits along perfectly with the best idea I’ve ever had in my entire stupid life.

So, yes. Very conflicted. Will report back.

READER MAIL

If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or whatever you want, shoot them to me on Twitter or at [email protected] (put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line). I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.

From Julie:

I just wanted to thank you for the Ted Lasso recommendation. My husband and son and I watched all the available episodes this week and it was exactly as calming and joyous as you promised. (My son has been running around the house shouting “Danny Rojas! Football is life!” all week.) It was a much needed mental break in the middle of a tornado. Please don’t stop recommending fun, nice shows like this. Especially now.

Julie, do not worry. I will gladly continue recommending shows that are fun and nice, in large part because that’s just about all my brain can handle right now. Dave on FX/Hulu is fun as heck if you like shows that are mostly dick jokes but have heart. What We Do in the Shadows is just silly as all hell. There’s a new season of Big Mouth coming soon and that show is completely nuts and occasionally heartfelt but mostly a crazy goof parade. Joe Pera Talks With You is the nicest show on television and most episodes are like 12 minutes or less. Schitt’s Creek is a delight if you still haven’t seen it yet for some reason.

There you go! Nice shows! Log off and go watch them! Until the middle of November at least.

AND NOW, THE NEWS

To Canada!

Police in Canada believe a sophisticated network of criminals is targeting transport trucks across the country, after seven hot tubs and C$230,000 (US$175,000) worth of beef were stolen in a brazen daylight theft.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a Canadian beef and hot tub heist. I can’t possibly explain how happy this makes me. Beef and hot tubs! Hot tub and beef! Stolen in the same week! In Canada! The same country that famously fell victim to a multimillion-dollar maple syrup heist! What is going on up there?!

The article gets into the specifics, the short version of which goes something like this: Employees at warehouses around Canada have been getting tricked by criminals who show up with fraudulent paperwork and run off with trucks full of stuff — hot tubs, beef, etc. — before the employees realize what happened. Which is interesting, I guess, but it’s mostly just information I needed to give you to put this truly incredible quote in context.

“It’s the first time in my 12 years of policing that I’ve seen this type of thing, certainly this amount of hot tubs or stolen beef,” Cpl Rob Gilles of the RCMP’s Thorsby detachment told the Guardian.

“Certainly this amount of hot tubs or stolen beef.” I love that part of the quote very much because it implies there is an amount of hot tubs and stolen beef that he is accustomed to dealing with. Just not this much. I wonder what the line is. Three stolen hot tubs? Four? I could ask questions about this forever, but I won’t, because the plot is about to thicken.

In both instances, the drivers said they were from the same company and presented forged documents. Police believe the two events are linked, but said the matter was part of an ongoing investigation.

THE BEEF AND HOT TUB HEIST WERE RELATED

POSSIBLY

AND THERE’S AN ONGOING INVESTIGATION

ONGOING

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN

IS THERE A TASK FORCE

CAN I BE ON IT

CAN I BE ON THE BEEF AND JACUZZI HEIST TASK FORCE

CAN I TELL EVERYONE MY NAME IS DETECTIVE BEEF JACUZZI

COME ON

HOLD ON

THERE’S ANOTHER BLOCKQUOTE COMING

Earlier this summer, crab meat valued at more than C$1m was stolen in the province of New Brunswick, according to reporting by the Globe and Mail. In the seafood heist, drivers also used forged transport documents.

I know the most likely explanation here involves selling these things on the black market, but I’m going to go ahead and keep pretending there’s some Canadian maniac — or group of maniacs — planning the most outrageous end of summer cookout in the history of the world. Just dozens of people lounging in hot tubs and gorging on crabs and beef. If we see a story in the next few days about a hijacked Molson truck, we’ll know I’m onto something.

Detective Beef Jacuzzi reporting for duty.

It was never a question of whether Jim Hopper, who appeared to die (“die”) in the Stranger Things season three finale, would return in season four — it was how would he would return. Actor David Harbour was initially cagey about the identity of “the American,” but now he’s straight-up comparing Hopper’s resurrection to that of Gandalf from the Lord of the Rings. “I knew. We knew. We had talked about it,” he told Total Film. “I just wanted to preserve the fantasy for everyone. And it’s such a weird position that we’re in now with so much media, that everybody wants to talk to you about it.”

I would prefer to talk to Harbour about playing Oscar the Grouch or his Vegas marriage to Lily Allen (yes, that Lily Allen, the one who wrote a song about how her brother Alfie, a.k.a. Theon on Game of Thrones, is lazy as hell), but I understand his point.

Harbour claims Stranger Things creators the Duffer brothers told him from the get-go about Hopper’s arc. “I’ve had those discussions with them from the very first season. We were always interested in that idea of the Gandalf resurrection – Gandalf the Grey who fights the Balrog and then becomes Gandalf the White. It’s the idea of the resurrection of the character. And mythologically, Hopper, in a sense, had to change. I mean, you couldn’t go on the way he was going on. He has to resurrect in some way,” he explained.

I’m sorry. I still can’t get over the Lily Allen thing.

It’s adorable, and I have no idea why it makes me so happy. Mazel tov to them!

(Via Total Film)

Remember Bill O’Reilly? You know it’s been a long few years for the memory of his Fox News domination to fade so quickly after his 2017 ouster following revelations that he paid out over $30 million for sexual harassment settlements. Media analyst Howard Kurtz once described him as “the biggest star in the 20 year history at Fox News,” but O’Reilly was quickly relegated to his own sidelines after, uh, stories about him grunting like a wild boar. He tried podcasting and then started a bizarre conspiracy theory about clothing sizes, and now, he’s reminding everyone that he’s still kicking.

Following Joe Biden’s competent performance at Thursday night’s CNN Town Hall, O’Reilly grew suspicious because — and this is just a guess — he’s not used to seeing a candidate arrive prepared for an event? In all fairness, it has been an atypical last three-and-a-half years. He may not realize that watching a president shout about opening up the schools while a pandemic rages (and saying something entirely different in the background) is not normal. O’Reilly appears to now believe that shenanigans are afoot (because Trump declared that Biden is “sleepy Joe,” and the GOP constantly makes suggestions about his mental acuity), and Biden must somehow be cheating.

“Looks to me that Biden had an idea of what the questions would be,” the former evening talk titan declared. “At least areas of questioning.”

Twitter is calling it: O’Reilly and friends are “SHOOK.” They can’t seem to wrap their heads around a rival candidate (who they accused of having dementia) succeeding at a town hall, so they don’t see past the flawed logic of accusing him of memorizing dozens of questions and answers. As one user put it, “You can’t make this crap up!”

Aaaaand a friendly reminder:

As Kanye West continues his Twitter crusade against Universal and Def Jam for ownership of his masters, some sources have reinterpreted elements of his contracts — which he posted page-by-page to Twitter a few days ago — to insinuate that Jay-Z “sold out” Kanye for ownership of his own Reasonable Doubt masters in 2005. As part of Jay’s agreement to take over as Def Jam president, he made a deal with then-CEO LA Reid for ownership to revert to himself in exchange for his shares in Roc-A-Fella Records, where Kanye was originally signed.

A few outlets have since reported this as a “shady business move” on the part of Jay, believing this meant Jay sold the masters of all his Roc-A-Fella artists to Def Jam in exchange for control of his own. However, as a subsidiary of Def Jam, Roc-A-Fella’s catalog would have already fallen under ownership of Def Jam in the first place, so this reading betrays a dire misunderstanding of how things work.

Meanwhile, Kanye himself made sure to set the record straight on Twitter, posting a screenshot of a post from one such outlet and warning, “Don’t let the system pit us against each other.” He reminded followers that he still considers Jay his “brother,” despite their falling out, and that he has “eternal love for all artist that have been through and are still trapped this crooked system.” He also suggested that “Jay still doesn’t get his own masters back for ten years,” a revelation sure to delight the infamously private Jay.

Kanye left off with a promise that “I will see to it that we all get our masters.”

The 2019-20 NBA season did not end the way Giannis Antetokounmpo and the Milwaukee Bucks wanted, but on an individual level, this campaign will end the same as the last for the reigning league MVP. According to Adrian Wojnarowski of ESPN, Antetokounmpo has been named the NBA’s Most Valuable Player for the second year in a row, adding to his personal trophy case for the second time this year — the Greek Freak was also named the league’s Defensive Player of the Year.

Per Marc Stein of the New York Times, the official announcement is coming a little later this afternoon, but even before news of Antetokounmpo’s second consecutive coronation became official, it was hard to see anyone beating him for this award. For how good LeBron James was during the 2019-20 season, Antetokounmpo was flat-out dominant, averaging career-best marks in scoring (29.5 a game) and rebounding (13.6 a night) while pitching in 5.6 assists, a steal, and a block per game. The cut-off for MVP voting was before the NBA’s COVID-19 hiatus in March, and in that time, Antetokounmpo led the Bucks to a league-best 53-12 record.

With the win, Antetokounmpo becomes the 12th player to win consecutive MVP awards, and the first since Steph Curry went back-to-back in the 2014-15 and 2015-16 seasons. It is unclear whether Antetokounmpo won this award unanimously, something that only Curry has accomplished.

Jon Hamm has adopted a new rescue dog, and sadly, he didn’t name his new pooch “Dog Draper,” but it’s still a heartwarming tale.

According to the non-profit animal welfare group I Stand With My Pack, at only four months old, Splash was abandoned twice at a shelter by would-be adopters over the summer because he had “too much puppy energy.” The welfare group stepped in to find a good home for the boisterous pup, and man, did they knock it out of the park. After being contacted by the group, Hamm scooped up Splash who now “lives a fairy tale life,” according to an Instagram post from I Stand With My Pack:

Considering Hamm’s history of advocating for rescue dog adoption, and his emotional heartbreak when his beloved dog Cora died, Splash is in good hands. You can also see videos of the good boy’s puppy energy that made him too much of a handful for lesser mortals than the handsome Mad Men star below:

Splash isn’t the only thing that Hamm has rescued lately. The actor recently signed on to to be the latest leading man to revive the classic Fletch series made popular by Chevy Chase in the ’80s. Hamm and Superbad director Greg Mottola have a reboot ready to go at Miramax, and this time, Fletch might actually happen. Here’s the official synopsis:

In a mysterious chain of wild events, Fletch finds himself in the middle of multiple murders — one of which pins him as a prime suspect. While on a quest to prove his innocence, Fletch is tasked with finding his fiancée’s stolen art collection, the only inheritance she’s acquired after her father goes missing and is presumed dead. Zev Borow, consulting producer of the Lethal Weapon TV series, will be penning the feature adaptation.

Here’s hoping they’ll film near a nice park for Splash.

(Via I Stand With My Pack on Instagram)

Donald Trump has been threatening to ban TikTok in the US for some time now, and it looks like that is getting closer to actually happening. Today (September 18), the Trump administration said it will ban downloads of the app (and WeChat) starting Sunday, September 20 due to national security and data privacy concerns regarding the Chinese-owned companies behind the apps.

During an appearance on Fox Business Network, Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross said his office will order a full ban of the app, not just on new downloads from app stores, by November 12. He noted, however, that discussions for a deal that would include data safeguards could give American TikTok users continued access to the platform.

A press release from the US Department Of Commerce notes that after the weekend, “Any provision of service to distribute or maintain the WeChat or TikTok mobile applications, constituent code, or application updates through an online mobile application store in the US” will be prohibited.

TikTok general manager Vanessa Pappas has addressed the news in a response to Instagram head Adam Mosseri. In response to a potentially misleading headline, Mosseri tweeted, “Careful with this headline, the ban is only of *new downloads* of TikTok, an outright ban will happen on 11/12 unless a deal is made. I’ve said this before, but a US TikTok ban would be quite bad for Instagram, Facebook, and the internet more broadly.” Pappas them chimed in, “We agree that this type of ban would be bad for the industry. We invite Facebook and Instagram to publicly join our challenge and support our litigation. This is a moment to put aside our competition and focus on core principles like freedom of expression and due process of law.”

While not strictly a music app, TikTok has had an undeniable impact on the music industry, helping hits like Doja Cat’s “Say So” and Drake’s “Toosie Slide” to immense popularity.

NBA fans will probably look back at this middle part of Giannis Antetokounmpo’s career with intrigue when he finally wins a championship. Let’s be honest: Even after two straight early exits, the odds favor Giannis one day raising the Larry O’Brien trophy, meaning the way we look at Giannis has to be through the lens of how that happens as opposed to whether he breaks through. Things around Giannis will certainly change between now and then, but the past two years have shown that ultimately, Giannis Antetokounmpo, for all his brilliance, needs to keep improving for the Bucks to become champions.

There’s more fun in imagining the system a new coach might run or what type of Eric Bledsoe trade could put the Bucks over the top, but Giannis is arcing up the same learning curve many NBA stars have traversed over time. LeBron James had to round out his offensive game as a shooter and post play-maker before becoming a champion. Michael Jordan had to bulk up, outwit the Bad Boys, and learn to trust his teammates. Greatness has a way of tricking us into blaming those who don’t have it, but greatness is also a spectrum. Giannis is great, but he needs to be better.

That means that until Giannis puts together a signature postseason performance, his shortcomings will always be a major reason why — right alongside any other player’s performance or the decisions made by the team’s various coaches and executives — the Bucks do not win.

Milwaukee built its team around what Giannis is great at. They averaged the shortest offensive possessions in the league in large part because they had basketball’s best fast-break finisher and one of its best turnover creators. Those turnovers were most often created because the Bucks deployed Brook Lopez as a deterrent at the rim and let their wings fly around the court, because that’s what Giannis is best at. Nearly three-quarters of their shots came from the most valuable spots on the court — the rim and the three-point line — which ranked seventh in the NBA. They got to their spots by incorporating Giannis as a drive-and-kick giant, a screener, and a post player. Without a great point guard, Giannis has had to become a chameleon on offense, even if it’s obvious he’s best around the basket.

The soon-to-be two-time MVP’s stat line in nine Bubble playoff games — 27 points, 14 rebounds, and six assists a night — hide the disappointment of his performance. Giannis clearly learned a few lessons from the Raptors’ suffocating six-game dismantling of Milwaukee last year, as he was more comfortable launching from three and more aggressive creating his own shot against Miami, but one thing was unchanged. When the Bucks couldn’t get an easy shot in transition, Giannis could not consistently create good shots for himself and his teammates to match the Heat’s scoring. The Bucks’ game plan was stifled pretty easily. Because of their roster makeup and dedication to to their scheme, Milwaukee needed Giannis to be otherworldly to reach its ceiling and he just wasn’t.

To be fair, the Heat in particular were a difficult matchup for Giannis and the Bucks because of Bam Adebayo, one of the only players in the NBA capable of matching Giannis’ length and athleticism. But the Heat front office also deserves credit for quietly building a stable of forwards who are functionally strong, a long-underrated quality among NBA defenders and one that is vital to contain Giannis. From Adebayo to Andre Iguodala to Jae Crowder to Jimmy Butler, the Heat were able to throw a variety of defenders at Giannis who were all able to match his physicality.

Giannis’ go-to move in the half court is simply to lower his shoulder, create space by ramming into his defender, and then hit them with a spin move or euro-step for an easy layup or a kick-out to beat a rotating defense. Because he is still not an elite ball-handler and doesn’t throw teammates open like the NBA’s best passers, defenses can home in on his drives. Miami was ready to do so, and they were happy giving him space for the first step, knowing they’d corral him and force either a turnover or a contested shot.

In a surprising Game 1 defeat, Giannis tallied six turnovers because of Miami’s aggressive stunting and his reliance on his inside scoring game against a Heat team that stonewalled him in the paint.

By Game 3, Giannis did adjust, and was able to get the ball on the move in more advantageous situations, but the Heat were ready for that, too. Not only did he go 0-7 from deep, he was inefficient all over the court and was flummoxed by Miami’s ability to show multiple defenders as he drove to the rim.

It looked as if Giannis was seeing ghosts. Miami pulled him all the way out of his comfort zone, forcing him into errant threes and even more puzzling fallaway jumpers and pull-ups inside the arc. The Greek Freak looked troublingly mortal through no fault of anyone but himself.

Obviously, there are issues that go beyond Antetokounmpo — the overall construction of the team, Mike Budenholzer’s startling rotations that every single person tabbed as an issue after Game 1, and the fact that the players just did not rise to the occasion as a collective. Milwaukee generated the third-best expected effective field goal percentage in the playoffs yet had just the seventh-best actual efficiency. In other words, they missed shots they should have made, and it was felt even harder after a regular season in which the inverse was true, and the Bucks out-performed their expected efficiency and had the highest effective field-goal percentage in the NBA. A coach’s job with the offense is to create advantages for his players, and there are hundreds of ways to do that. But a star’s job is to take that in and adjust to what he sees on the floor, and where Budenholzer missed, Giannis couldn’t make up for it like he could in the regular season.

The challenge is not unique to Giannis. It’s not as if Frank Vogel is reinventing basketball in Los Angeles, but LeBron James always has a secondary plan. Kawhi Leonard can get to his spot and make shots in isolation whenever he wants (albeit, Denver did a great job of making his life difficult late in their series to bounce the Clippers). Even the shooting-averse Jimmy Butler was able to take and make more jumpers against Milwaukee’s conservative defense in the second round.

To get to the next level, Giannis probably needs to focus less on the outside, where he made just 32.5 percent of his threes, and more about how to be excellent inside. Miami’s defensive pressure exposed that he has still not made the leap as a passer that we’re seeing from Jayson Tatum this postseason. At the same time, Giannis made just 7-19 shots from the restricted circle to the free-throw line in the playoffs. For all his improvements as a finisher, defender, post player and transition killer, Giannis now is largely an elite version of the long-limbed Greek Freak who entered the league in 2013, but there isn’t much new polish to his game. In two straight postseasons, Giannis has not had the capacity to adjust. Adding some effective counters to his head down, attacking the rim style — such as a floater or short midrange pull-up as defenders back up to set up the wall at the restricted area — would make it much more difficult to scheme him out of effectiveness.

Superstars define the playoffs, and so far Giannis has not proven himself up to the task. It is why he has not competed for a championship yet and also why it will be so fascinating to watch as he improves and eventually gets there. Milwaukee’s roster options, Giannis’ contract situation, and Budenholzer’s job status will dominate the offseason dialogue around Milwaukee, but in the end, it will all come back to whether Giannis can adjust to the teams that have outwitted him the past two years and excise his postseason woes.

The 2020 Emmys are nearly upon us and the most cutthroat category this year might just be the Best Supporting Actor in a Drama race.

That’s because three members of the Roy family are vying for that statue and, like their Succession alter-egos, they’ll do anything to come out on top – or to top from the bottom, really, who knows with this show. Of course, the actual actors – Kieran Culkin, Matthew Macfayden, and Nicholas Braun – seem like lovely gentlemen who would never debase themselves by giving in to the heady temptation of competition but their counterparts certainly would so we’re going to predict the winner of this dick-swinging contest the only way a Roy would respect: by indulging the fragile ego of our inner frat bro.

That’s right, we’re getting in the mud and deciding this thing Boar on the Floor-style. The only rule? There are no rules (though we do recommend chanting “Boar on the Floor” while reading the rest of this nonsense to really tap into the Stalin-esque spirit of it all).

Round 1

Tom Wambsgans / Matthew Macfayden

The first piggie to oink for his sausage is the “C*nt of Monte Cristo” himself. Mr. Shiv Roy had a rollercoaster of a season, negotiating an open-marriage with his wife on their honeymoon, learning Shiv had become Logan’s new heir apparent, ascending the ATN ranks only to walk his top news anchor through an awkward “Are You a Neo-Nazi” questionnaire – and that’s before company-wide lockdowns, embarrassing dinner party games, and a D.C. trial sucked his balls clean out of his sack. He’s not the most outwardly aggressive of his competitors, but Tom did eventually stand up for himself near the end of season two, and Macfayden played his gradual transformation quietly enough that the simple act of robbing Logan Roy of his fried chicken drumstick sent shockwaves through the fandom.

It’s a tricky magic act to pull off, especially when you’re trying to keep a sopping wet blanket like Tom afloat amidst a sea of vicious, bloodthirsty sharks like the Roy family. Out of everyone on the show, Tom might’ve shown the most growth in season two, even though he was constantly sh*t on by his wife and her siblings. And Macfayden managed to bring some much-needed awareness to forgotten STD’s with this zinger: “You don’t hear much about syphilis these days. Very much the Myspace of STDs.” And he did it with a straight face.

Current Position: On the floor, full-heartedly oinking. He’s murdered Carl, but no one really cares because he’s just so good at looking pathetic.

Cousin Greg Gregory / Nicholas Braun

The next Roy ready to claw his way out of this bag of live raccoons and to the Emmys (virtual) stage is the sweetest, most beautiful Ichabod Crane f*ck that’s ever graced our TV screens. Cousin Greg, or Gregory as he now wishes to be called, also went through a transformation in season two. He got a haircut and a promotion, he committed his first successful act of blackmail, he was pelted with water bottles during a tense moment of “executive-level business,” he became a cocaine dealer, then addict, and he performed word Jiu-jitsu during a Senate hearing. Greg, like Tom, is a social pariah but he so effectively hides his inner sleaze-ball that we’re normally left with the uncontrollable urge to stuff his beanstalk frame into our average-sized arms and shield him from the sh*t tornado that’s sure to destroy his chosen family.

Greg — and by extension, Braun — had a couple of things going for him this season. He’s beloved by the fans because he’s able to convince us he’s really just an aww-shucks guy who’d be happy with a $5 million inheritance unlike the rest of these greedy maggot-pies and he spends most of the season finding ways to fight back in his toxic relationship with Tom. He did manage to negotiate and then reluctantly blackmail his business boyfriend into an open relationship during the middle of a live-shooter situation, so that has to count for something, right?

Current position: This fungus-ridden piglet is hopped up on cocaine and the stretch of Braun’s limbs rivals Reed Richards. He’s here to play.

Roman Roy / Kieran Culkin

Our third and final contestant has entered the arena and you’re higher than Techno Gatsby pre-bed-shitting if you think this slime puppy isn’t going to risk it all for some recognition. Roman started this season – this show, really – as a bit of a train wreck. Well, a train wreck would imply something happened to make him go off the rails but we’re pretty sure “f*cked up little weasel” is in his actual DNA. No, Romulus is like a tiny dog, one of those constantly yapping kinds, who goes around humping everything in sight. It’s gross and funny at the same time, but eventually, after a few minutes of watching it rail a stuffed teddy bear in the face, the illusion that this cute, fluffy little being is anything more than an animal ruled by its base instincts shatters and you just want a shower.

That’s what it’s like watching Roman Roy inch his way closer to his father’s right hand this season. He makes a valiant effort at playing it straight, mingling with the common folk, dressing up in Dirk Turkey costumes, and pretending to give a sh*t about his dad’s company, but it’s all a show. What Roman really wants is love – I mean, more money and power wouldn’t hurt either, but yeah, love. He’s willing to do anything – sacrifice his brother, endure physical abuse from his dad, shrug off a failed space launch with some cringe-worthy rocket scientist jokes – in order to be accepted and respected by his family members. The problem, one that Culkin illustrates beautifully throughout the second season, is that Roman is hardwired to self-destruct. He can’t help but tie his own noose, so even when he’s making strides in terms of his career ambitions – like surviving a tense hostage situation – or his personal relationships – like his budding mommy kink exchange with Gerri – eventually, it’s all going to come crashing down.

Current position: Roman’s already accepted the fact that no amount of anti-bacterial gel will wipe the America off of him, so he’s not afraid to get dirty and because there is no line separating Kieran and his character, the two are now interchangeable.

Round 2

Wambsgans / Macfayden

You can’t make a Tomlette without breaking a few Gregs so Macfayden’s going for the jugular. Is Braun’s character really a supporting player in this game or is he just Matthew Macfayden’s glorified fluffer? Who deserves that gold-plated figurine? The man who says “Latte Me” or the boy who runs to get the latte?

Cousin Greg Gregory / Braun

The claws are out. Braun doesn’t want them to be. He hates to use this leverage, but he’s got principles guys and he’s starting to figure out the meaning of the term “self-respect” so here it goes: Toms Wambsgans swallowed his own load. Is that who you want representing you, Television Academy voters? An actor who can successfully convince you he swishes his own spunk like milky mouthwash?

Roman / Keiran

Kieran’s amped up on adrenaline and the knowledge that no one’s going to give a f*ck about how cute Macaulay was as a kid this holiday season because the pandemic will delay the release of Christmas. Worse, he actually believes he can win this. But not by sitting back and hoping Braun and Macfayden rip each other to shreds (or give in to their white-hot sexual tension). No, he’s a man of action, so here’s a list of all of the ways Roman was a good boy this season: He bought a sports team for his daddy (it wasn’t the team he liked but that really shouldn’t factor into this); he did some backdoor dealing to make the Pierce negotiation go through (turns out he torpedoed it by going off-script but again, no relevance here); he survived a hostage situation by playing a crude game of F*ck, Marry, Kill with his bros; he stood up for Kendall when he was on the chopping block; and he showed just a hint of vulnerability when he proposed to marry Gerri (or kidnap her, or consume her flesh, it’s really all the same). See what a good boy Roman was. A very good, very naughty, dirty boy. And didn’t Kieran play him so well? Don’t you secretly believe he jacked off in that bathroom scene? DON’T YOU?!

Round 3

Wamsbgans / Macfayden

Not only did Tom eat Logan’s fried chicken, he told Shiv he thinks he’s unhappy most of the time like two minutes before. Who else but Macfayden could pull off that kind of emotional whiplash in the same episode? Your move, Greg.

Cousin Greg Gregory / Braun

Gregory said he touched Bill Gates and Braun made us all believe that was actually worthy of a humblebrag. And that’s after we all collectively realized big tech was destroying our society. Braun could brainwash us into thinking Mark Zuckerberg was a chill dude to playing Animal Crossing with and we’d buy it hook, line, and sinker. He’s a talented, clever little minx and his body looks like the human equivalent of the Wacky Wavy Tube Man. It’s truly neck and neck.

Roman / Kieran

Roman emotionally matured enough throughout the season to recognize his own trauma and Kieran laughs like a hyena which is, oddly, adorable. He’s the perverted, vile, misbehaving sex symbol America deserves right now.

Final Round

Wambsgans / Macfayden

But Tom filibustered that Senate hearing with his sheer stupidity by refusing to acknowledge he even knew a Gregory Hirsch, and Macfayden pulled that off even though Braun was sitting right behind him in the scene. The cahones on this dude. And, he didn’t want to have to play this card, but you all know how horny you’ve been for Mr. Darcy during this quarantine, and it’s not the Colin Firth version that’s been tickling your naughty bits.

Cousin Greg Gregory / Braun

Gregory’s tired. The moral depths he’s sunk to in order to survive this cabal of baby-feasting jackals has left his oversized frame so fatigued, even “doin the old cocaine” won’t help. And Braun’s got another alt-rock ballad to perform. He reneges with a profound Grexit speech: “If it is to be said so it is.”

Roman / Kieran

Kieran lost interest in this game before it even began. He just stayed in it to facilitate the implosion of Tom and Greg’s bromance because he loves destroying things that are good and he wants to see Macfayden and Braun at each other’s throats. If he loses, he’ll claim the whole show was rigged. If he wins, he’ll brush it off as some circle-jerk door prize that doesn’t really mean anything before changing his Twitter bio to something unbearably pretentious and gifting the statue to the dude who plays Frank, telling him to use it as an anal dildo or something.

Wambsgans / Macfayden

Congratulations Macfayden, you play a blubbering, clay-brained codpiece so well, we’re hoping you win an Emmy for it.