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That Nikola Tesla is essentially the father of the modern electricity grid yet died broke in obscurity would seem to make him an ideal choice of biopic subject. Thomas Edison tried to destroy him in a smear campaign, George Westinghouse took his patents, JP Morgan cut off his funding, and hey, wasn’t there something about a death ray? Was Tesla a martyr to capitalism, too pure a scientist for the cold realities of business? Or perhaps a more prosaic example of high-octane mind that revved too high and burned out its clutch?

Tesla, a new film from Michael Almereyda (Marjorie Prime, Experimenter) starring Ethan Hawke as the inventor isn’t so gauche as to offer either of these obvious takes. It’s too tasteful to offer much of any take beyond “what if art?” Tesla‘s narrative devolves into a series of artistic choices. And maybe that‘s the take, that Nikola Tesla is whatever framing device we apply to him. Which is, like many things in Tesla, certainly a choice, though sort of a bloodless one.

The film is narrated, strangely, by Anne Morgan, played by Eve Hewson, aka the daughter of Bono from U2, who between this and The Knick has clearly found her niche as Victorian-era femme fatale (playing the daughter of a famous person is also apt). Hewson’s Morgan does double duty as the voice of God narrator who explains about Tesla being so mysterious and occasionally calls time out, Zack Morris-style, pausing Tesla‘s weirder scenes to explain why things probably didn’t happen this way in real life. She also occasionally compares historical figures in terms of how many Google results that figure’s name produces, a system of measurement that feels a bit like the movie equivalent of starting your essay with “Webster’s dictionary defines ’emancipation’ as…”

Anne Morgan narrates as Tesla first works in Edison’s workshop, then sets out on his own, inventing his sparkless alternate current induction motor, and teams up with Westinghouse while Thomas Edison (played by Kyle MacLachlan) tries to smear him by electrocuting animals and people. Through it all, Tesla himself says very little. Ethan Hawke’s forehead furrow does most of the heavy lifting, as Tesla oscillates between scared and annoyed at the world outside his mind. What’s this guy’s deal, anyway?

While Tesla himself is kind of a dud, Tesla‘s casting is consistently interesting, from MacLachlan as the pompous Edison, to Jim Gaffigan as Westinghouse and Ebon Moss-Bachrach as Tesla’s devoted assistant, Szigeti (Bachrach’s portrayal of Desi from Girls might be the enduring depiction of a 2010s fuckboi).

Hewson’s Anne Morgan eventually shows up in real-time, as a politically-minded rich girl who’s clearly in love with the flighty inventor. Why Tesla doesn’t reciprocate isn’t entirely clear, as Anne Morgan is both beautiful and obscenely rich. Though there is one scene where he jilts her at a roller-skate party because he hates the sight of her pearls. Is he just an eccentric, is that his deal? Their dynamic doesn’t quite fly because the film never quite captures the essence of either character; both feel more like collections of factoids.

In a way, Almeryda’s film splits the difference between slick, Aaron Sorkin-esque Rosebudding and new wavey, Sofia Coppola art-punk. Almereyda comes Sorkinly close to blaming all of Tesla’s future troubles on a jilted lady, before seeming to reconsider and drowning the narrative in ostentatious art. Almereyda shoots characters in front of painted backdrops, has Tesla sing Tears for Fears to the camera, and what the heck, even gives Thomas Edison an iPhone in one scene. Who cares? It’s only fashion.

It could’ve been a beautiful disaster, and yet Tesla‘s narrative retreats into its own navel almost at the exact point that it becomes convincing as an ideal lens for a portrait of the Victorian era. All that striving towards a scientific utopia seems to come from an abiding morbidity. They were all in love with dyin’, they were doin’ it in Menlo… Tesla survives multiple family members and Thomas Edison’s first wife dies young. Edison is so generally full of grief that he spends the latter part of his life working on a way to communicate with the dead. In Almereyda’s telling, Tesla also falls for the actress Sarah Bernhardt (Rebecca Dayan), famous mainly for her ability to die dramatically and who sleeps in a coffin to help prepare herself for the eternal slumber. Yet this age of discovery is also the gilded age, the playground of the robber barons, and all the hope and utopianism that seems to animate Tesla, Westinghouse, and Anne Morgan, eventually curdles from exposure to the dog-eat-dog realities of unchecked capitalism.

It’s an intriguing snapshot, and one we have to give Almereyda at least partial credit for — why include Bernhardt (a minor footnote at best in Nikola Tesla’s story) if not as a comment on the age? If this facet of the film had been sharp more Tesla could’ve been something special. Yet the captivating slice of Victorian life is drowned out by the feint towards the traditional biopic and the conspicuous contemporary touches. Almereyda making a show of himself as storyteller takes away from his story, and seems to betray a lack of confidence in it.

‘Tesla’ opens Friday, August 21st in theaters and on demand. Vince Mancini is on Twitter. You can access his archive of reviews here.

After months in the wilderness, the 2020 NBA Draft order is (finally) set. Though the draft itself was originally scheduled for June, the fallout from COVID-19 put things on hold and, while most of the attention remains on the league’s bubble in Orlando, all 30 teams can now move forward with the knowledge of the 60-pick order.

In the coming days, trade winds will blow and (often conflicting) intel will emerge, particularly when it comes to the top picks in the lottery. Now that the order is in place, however, it is time for a post-lottery mock draft, with the Minnesota Timberwolves now holding the ace of the deck in the form of the No. 1 overall pick.

1. Minnesota Timberwolves – Anthony Edwards (G, Georgia)

This is the consensus choice in the hours after the lottery and, honestly, it is easy to see why. The Wolves already have key pieces at point guard (D’Angelo Russell) and center (Karl-Anthony Towns), with Edwards as a consensus top-three pick to slide into the shooting guard spot long-term. It shouldn’t surprise anyone, though, if Edwards isn’t the choice when the draft arrives, as Gersson Rosas is a Daryl Morey disciple that won’t be shy about taking another player (i.e. LaMelo Ball) if his board doesn’t reflect Edwards as the top player. As for last year’s first round pick, while Jarrett Culver plays on the wing, he could theoretically play the 3 alongside Edwards.

2. Golden State Warriors – James Wiseman (C, Memphis)

Can I go ahead and project a trade? No? Okay, it’s too early to do that, but I firmly believe a trade is the most likely outcome with this choice. Candidly, LaMelo Ball is my No. 1 overall player and the Warriors should at least consider him, but there isn’t much buzz about that potential pairing. Moreover, the Warriors don’t have a center of the future (or the present, really) and Wiseman’s upside is tantalizing. This is not what I would do, even if the pick isn’t traded, but there is at least some smoke around Wiseman for the Warriors.

3. Charlotte Hornets – LaMelo Ball (G, Illawarra Hawks)

With all respect to Devonte Graham and Terry Rozier, neither should dissuade the Hornets from taking the best player available at this pick. As noted above, things could shift, either with Ball going to Minnesota or in the No. 2 spot after a trade, but Charlotte lands my No. 1 overall player at No. 3 overall. That would obviously be a big win for MJ and company.

4. Chicago Bulls – Deni Avdija (F, Maccabi Tel Aviv)

This is the first pick on the board in which things are far less clear. Among intel-based evaluators, there certainly isn’t a consensus about Chicago will do and, with a first-time general manager at the helm, there isn’t a track record to follow, either. The Bulls, like almost any team in the NBA, could use a two-way player with some creation equity, and Avdija is a highly regarded prospect in many circles. This isn’t a home run swing in my view, but he makes sense for a team that doesn’t have many options in this mold.

5. Cleveland Cavaliers – Onyeka Okongwu (C, USC)

It’s something of an open secret that the Cavs might have interest in Avdija but, with the Israeli forward off the board, Cleveland still has to make a selection. They could (and should) consider Auburn wing Isaac Okoro as an on-ball defensive ace, but the Cavaliers should be open to a number of avenues. Cleveland does have the Andre Drummond conundrum and Kevin Love remains under contract, but Okongwu is a talented, versatile big man with a high floor and tangible upside to be a high-end starting center.

6. Atlanta Hawks – Isaac Okoro (G/F, Auburn)

The most popular mock draft choice for the Hawks is Tyrese Haliburton, and that wouldn’t be a bad option for Atlanta. Still, Okoro is a player the Hawks are thought to favor, and he is a local product for good measure. Okoro’s biggest question comes with his jump shot but, even if that doesn’t develop in full, he can rely on being the best on-ball defender in the draft and a hyper-athletic player who can attack the rim and get to the free throw line. You can never have too many wings, and the Hawks add another option that can pair with Cam Reddish and De’Andre Hunter in a potentially stingy defensive combination.

7. Detroit Pistons – Killian Hayes (G, Ulm)

Somewhere in the shadowy corners of the league, there is skepticism on Hayes that I don’t fully understand. He slips out of the top-10 (!) in some post-lottery mock drafts and, as a player ranked in my top-5, that is tough to parse. Alas, the Pistons have a long-term need for a primary creator and I think Hayes is the best bet available to fill it. Detroit could certainly evaluate other options like Tyrese Haliburton, but Hayes is more of an on-ball threat and, with only Derrick Rose to operate in that role effectively at the moment, the Pistons land on the best player available that also plugs a hole.

8. New York Knicks – Obi Toppin (F/C, Dayton)

It is unquestionably brutal for the Knicks to be sitting at No. 8 overall, especially with a glaring need for a primary offensive initiator. New York could reach for someone like Cole Anthony or Kira Lewis, and that shouldn’t be ruled out. However, Toppin would help New York’s offense and he is a big-name player that is worthy of this draft slot. Toppin’s defensive profile is genuinely worrisome, but his offense might be the safest thing in the entire draft, and he would give R.J. Barrett and Mitchell Robinson a running mate with offensive versatility and skill.

9. Washington Wizards – Devin Vassell (G/F, Florida State)

The best-case scenario for the Wizards might be Okongwu falling to No. 9, as Washington desperately needs a competent long-term option at center. That isn’t available here, though, and Vassell is both the best player available and a snug fit. The Wizards are hoping that John Wall comes back at full strength to pair with Bradley Beal and fuel a high-powered offense. Vassell isn’t going to be a primary offensive option in all likelihood, but he is a 3-and-D player with great instincts and the Wizards don’t have many players like that.

10. Phoenix Suns – Tyrese Haliburton (G, Iowa State)

This is a great landing spot for Haliburton and a good pick-up for the Suns. While many refer to Haliburton as a point guard due to his passing and absurdly high basketball IQ, he isn’t an explosive on-ball player by any means. In Phoenix, he doesn’t necessarily have to be, with Devin Booker serving as the No. 1 option offensively. Haliburton can function as a ball-mover, use his strong off-ball defensive play-making ability, and knock down shots as a catch-and-shoot three-point marksman.

11. San Antonio Spurs – Patrick Williams (F, Florida State)

There is major buzz on Williams as a riser during the pre-draft process, even if that might sound funny due to the virtual nature of the proceedings. He is a 6’8 combo forward with an NBA-ready frame and genuinely explosive athleticism. Defensively, there is a lot to like, and perhaps the Spurs can unlock some of his utility on the offensive end. Williams has real upside to explore if you can plug him in to the right situation, and Gregg Popovich can be trusted to do that.

12. Sacramento Kings – Saddiq Bey (F, Villanova)

I promise I’m not trying to make a KANGZ joke, but Sacramento could do just about anything here. Obviously, the Kings aren’t in the market for a pure point guard with De’Aaron Fox on board, and Sacramento does have a bit of a back-log at shooting guard with Buddy Hield and Bogdan Bogdanovic, although the latter is a restricted free agent this offseason. The rest of the roster is ripe for addition, though, and Bey is a prospect that NBA teams seem to like. Defensively, there are real questions, but he was a knock-down shooter at Villanova and there is some relative safety in what he can bring.

13. New Orleans Pelicans – Tyrese Maxey (G, Kentucky)

Much like Sacramento, the board is wide open for New Orleans. Maxey is a player that scouts are split on and, in my view, he is getting the Kentucky treatment of a player that wasn’t optimally utilized in college. Maxey was a top-flight high school prospect for a reason, however, and he would give the Pelicans another secondary ball-handler with a fun in-between game and the ability to defend both guard spots.

14. Boston Celtics (via Memphis) – Precious Achiuwa (F/C, Memphis)

Achiuwa is a prospect that is hard to get a hold on, especially with NBA teams seemingly (much) higher on his prospects than outside observers. I have faith in Boston to maximize his skill set, though, and that includes plenty of work as a hyper-athletic, rim-running small-ball center in certain looks. The Celtics could go a number of directions with three picks in the first round, but Achiuwa is widely seen as a lottery pick in league circles, and he slides in under the wire.

15. Orlando Magic – Cole Anthony (G, North Carolina)

This would be a big fall for Anthony, and I’m not wholly comfortable with that. For one, Anthony was in a brutal situation at North Carolina without much help, and his efficiency numbers suffered for it. On the other hand, this would be a soft landing spot for his skill set, with the ability to potentially play with Markelle Fultz and/or operate as Orlando’s primary ball-handler. The Magic still need to add another guard to the mix, and this is a great value.

16. Portland Trail Blazers – Aaron Nesmith (G/F, Vanderbilt)

Nesmith isn’t the size of a full-blown small forward (he’s listed at 6’6, 213 pounds) and, as virtually everyone has noted, the Blazers do need someone in that mold. With the way this mock is moving, though, that player isn’t really available without a reach, and Nesmith is a strong value. His appeal is his three-point shooting, with off-the-charts numbers this season, but Nesmith is also a capable, strong defender in a supporting role.

17. Minnesota Timberwolves (via Brooklyn) – Jalen Smith (F/C, Maryland)

There is real buzz that Smith is now entrenched as a top-20 guy in the eyes of many. While he might be a center long-term, the fit is interesting in Minnesota, with Smith able to back up Karl-Anthony Towns and potentially play alongside him in certain looks. The Wolves might also look to use this pick in a trade but, if they stay put, this would be reasonable.

18. Dallas Mavericks – Aleksej Pokusevski (F/C, Olympiacos B)

Pokusevski is perhaps the most interesting player to monitor in the entire draft. Our own Brian Schroeder recently extolled his virtues and, from an upside perspective, few can match what he brings to the table. On the flip side, he hasn’t played against a high level of competition and it would take some gall for a team in the lottery to pull the trigger.

19. Brooklyn Nets (via Philadelphia) – Josh Green (G/F, Arizona)

This is a touch high for Green, but Brooklyn is in a fascinating spot. The Nets should probably try to turn this pick into a ready-made NBA player via trade but, if they don’t, Green is perhaps the best remaining player to slide into a pure supporting role around Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving.

20. Miami Heat – Kira Lewis (G, Alabama)

Lewis is much higher than this on my big board, but he’s a one-position player and there aren’t that many teams that have glaring point guard needs. For Miami, Lewis is a coup, with tangible upside as a starting-level point guard and Goran Dragic set to hit the free agent market, whenever free agency actually begins.

21. Philadelphia 76ers (via Oklahoma City) – Tyrell Terry (G, Stanford)

This is probably a bit higher than some have Terry, but the fit is snug in Philadelphia. The 76ers have a desperate need for shooting and, while Terry has some limitations in terms of size and the ability to get to the rim, they would be mitigated next to Ben Simmons.

22. Denver Nuggets (via Houston) – Theo Maledon (G, ASVEL)

It would be easier to send a full-blown wing to Denver but, with Josh Green already off the board, the options are few and far between. In Maledon, the Nuggets get an offensively gifted combo guard to potentially pair with Jamal Murray long-term.

23. Utah Jazz – R.J. Hampton (G, New Zealand Breakers)

I honestly don’t think Hampton will slide this far, but there is some buzz that he could be drafted lower than many believed a few months ago. This is definitely an upside-based pick for the Jazz but, at No. 23, it is a lot more palatable if it doesn’t work. Hampton could work with Donovan Mitchell as a combo guard with size and athleticism, and he wouldn’t be tasked with a huge workload in the early portion of his career.

24. Milwaukee Bucks (via Indiana) – Desmond Bane (G/F, TCU)

The Bucks don’t have a ton of needs, but the track record of Mike Budenholzer-led teams points to a ready-made, older contributor in the draft. Budenholzer isn’t the central decision-maker, of course, but Bane is a high-level 3-and-D prospect that could genuinely help a team in a small role immediately.

25. Oklahoma City Thunder (via Denver) – Jaden McDaniels (F, Washington)

It feels like at least one team will fall in love with what McDaniels could be. That team is Oklahoma City in this mock, with the Thunder having a long track record of targeting tools-y pieces with defined weaknesses.

26. Boston Celtics – Leandro Bolmaro (G, Barcelona)

This could be a draft and stash for the Celtics, with Bolmaro still under contract at the highest level in Europe. Ultimately, Bolmaro profiles as a tenacious on-ball defender with some creation equity and, well, Boston probably isn’t using three first-round picks on players they will roster in 2020-21.

27. New York Knicks (via LA Clippers) – Nico Mannion (G, Arizona)

After not getting a point guard in the lottery, the Knicks may target a backcourt option with their second pick. Mannion’s star has faded after being a projected lottery pick a year ago, but he still has fans in the league. This isn’t an upside swing, but it would be appropriate value.

28. Los Angeles Lakers – Malachi Flynn (G, San Diego State)

The Lakers should be in the market for another guard that can run an offense and defend. Flynn checks both boxes, and he is a highly competitive player that won at a high level in college. There are other options, from Grant Riller to Cassius Winston, but this is an archetype that plays for Los Angeles.

29. Toronto Raptors – Isaiah Stewart (C, Washington)

Stewart is a tough player to profile, in part because his fit in the modern game is potentially tenuous. Toronto finds a way to maximize big men, though, and the Raptors may have a role in the future as Marc Gasol and/or Serge Ibaka age or leave in free agency. It shouldn’t surprise anyone if Masai Ujiri invests in a center here, even if it’s not Stewart.

30. Boston Celtics (via Milwaukee) – Xavier Tillman (C, Michigan State)

The Celtics don’t seem likely to use all three picks but, if they want to pair Precious Achiuwa with someone else in the frontcourt, Tillman would be a great option. He is a tremendous defender with a sky-high basketball IQ, and Tillman can be utilized effectively as a short-roll threat offensively. It certainly isn’t an upside swing but, in a scenario in which they’ve already taken a swing on Achiuwa and a stash in Bolmaro, a player with a high floor isn’t a bad thing.

You’d be forgiven for wondering where the real Vic Mensa was for the past few years. After the release of his critically hailed but commercially underperforming debut album The Autobiography, it may have seemed like the 2014 XXL Freshman had gone a little off the rails, appearing more often on TMZ than on streaming services’ curated playlists and veering off into his rock-centric side project 93Punx. He even got into a little hot water over his 2018 BET Hip-Hop Awards Cypher verse, calling out the recently deceased XXXTentacion as a domestic abuser.

But this New Music Friday, longtime Vic Mensa fans received a gift they’d been waiting on for years. V Tape, Vic’s first all-rap project since 2018’s Hooligans EP, finds the outspoken Chicago rapper running back to rap with a vengeance, showing flashes of the hungry young artist from 2013’s Innanetape, polished by years of experience and maturity. Featuring brazen tracks like “Vendetta” and “Dirt On My Name” alongside vulnerable confessionals such as “XGames” and “Rebirth,” Vic addresses, well, all the criticisms and missteps of the last few years, putting everything on front street with a newfound clarity and lightness that comes with age and surviving life’s storms. It’s his best work in years. Welcome back, Vic.

Watch Vic Mensa’s video for EP single “Machiavelli” featuring Eryn Allen Kane above.

V Tape is out now via Roc Nation Records. Get it here.

The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items could vary, as could the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday, and we are here to have some fun.

ITEM NUMBER ONE — I love it

Lovecraft Country is very good. That’s the first order of business here, in part because — as our Kimberly Ricci discussed in her review — it is true and worth noting as often as possible, and in part because I’m going to be doing some spoiling of this week’s episode in a second, and I’d like to give you every reasonable opportunity and motivation to go watch it before I do that. There are not a lot of shows on anywhere right now, let alone good ones. Get in there.

The series premiere introduced us to the main characters and sent them on a journey to Massachusetts, through various Jim Crow era sundown towns where they deal with racist shop owners and even more racist cops. It’s tense at times and ominous at others and just about as well-done as you can do any of it, which should not be a huge surprise, as it comes from producer Jordan Peele, a man who has pretty much nailed the “horrors of racial injustice crossed with the horrors of, like, horror” genre. The whole thing builds to a scary scene in the woods where the cops have the three main characters lying face down on the ground with guns pointed at them. Things look bleak and bad. There is no immediately obvious method of escape.

Until!

SURPRISE MONSTER ATTACK.

A couple of things worth touching on here:

• Please consider this your periodic reminder that nothing good has ever happened in the woods
• It is always fun to see bad guys get eaten by monsters

This last thing is the big one. There’s something so freeing about it, so cathartic. Is it nice to see a villain get brought to justice through the regular channels and found guilty by a jury of his peers before being locked away? Sure. Do I, in general, in real life, support the extrajudicial murder of bad people as a means of punishment for their actions? No, I do not. But do I absolutely love to see a villain get chomped in half or swallowed whole by a mythical hellbeast with teeth the size of steak knives? Ladies and gentlemen, I do.

I’m not sure I can even explain it. There’s something very clean about it all, something that eliminates the moral messiness by splattering a literal mess of organs across the screen. Like, I can’t be blamed for the gruesome death of the evil party here, and I don’t have to do a mental lambada about the dicey issues surrounding a fictional human getting bloody revenge on his enemies. It’s a monster! A soulless bloodthirsty demon! It’s supposed to do this! It’s not even making a moral judgment about anything. It’s just chomping the nearest meat-adjacent thing, which happens to be a blackhearted goon I wanted to see punished anyway. My hands are clean! Let’s not think too deeply about it!

It’s one of the many reasons a movie like Jurassic Park is so much fun. You can set the good guys on a mission of survival that gives the audience heart palpitations, but you can also just have a big old dinosaur eat a creep or two. Bingo bango, problem solved. One less issue on our heroes’ plates. More movies and television shows should adopt surprise monster attacks. The West Wing would have been way more fun if a pterodactyl swooped in a flew off with whoever was giving President Jed trouble some week. Just once. Just one pterodactyl attack out of nowhere to keep everyone honest. I say this as someone who, for a period of months a few years back, repeatedly advocated for a bear to maul Pete Campbell from Mad Men, despite the fact that he worked inside a skyscraper in Manhattan. I’m as consistent as I am completely out of control.

So, yes, Lovecraft Country has me hooked so far. It’s a stunning visual accomplishment and a very cool bit of storytelling and a bunch of racist cops got mangled by a surprise monster attack in the woods. I can’t ask for very much more.

ITEM NUMBER TWO — Bahwuhbbuh bayyyeth

It is and quite possibly always will be the position of this column that Maya Rudolph’s voiceover work as Connie the Hormone Monster in Big Mouth, and specifically her pronunciation of the two word phrase “bubble bath,” is award-worthy. Any award. Emmy, Pulitzer, Peabody, Nobel, Presidential Medal of Freedom, one of those really tall plastic trophies they give to kids who win a soapbox derby, whatever. It just needs to be recognized by someone, somewhere. Preferably someone holding a trophy. Although I suppose I will settle for “a late-night host who has a very popular podcast.” Which brings us to Rudolph’s appearance on Conan O’Brien’s podcast.

Conan spent a solid chunk of the interview praising her voice work and digging into her process, because he is a professional. And he got the scoop on the “bubble bath” thing, a three-syllable phrase that she makes an entire meal out of, dragging the words out and hitting each B with a percussive puffed cheek breathiness that is fun but almost impossible to imitate. Listen to the queen, then read this explanation: “I remember sort of doing it and I remember sort of being egged on to… can you find more? Can you actually find more? And we were trying to make — I think maybe initially because she’s meant to be a hormone monster we were trying to make her voice a roller coaster. Just like a roller coaster of emotions. So it was sort of that low, high, low dipping stuff.”

Rudolph went on to explain the actual mouth work required to make the sounds in question. She says the phrase “should slowly bubble out of the back of your throat,” which sounds very unhealthy, like an acid reflux situation. Or, I suppose, you can read it to mean the voice comes from a deep, possibly possessed location in her soul, one that simmers and bubbles up when she accesses it, causing it to escape her lips almost involuntarily. This kind of makes sense, actually. Listen to her say it. Listen to it a hundred times. You could do worse on a Friday.

ITEM NUMBER THREE — Into the Bat-verse

Well guess what: Ben Affleck is playing Batman again. Kind of. He is kind of playing Batman again. Not in a full-on Bat movie, or in another one where his chin and Henry Cavill’s chin destroy a city. He’s appearing as Batman in the upcoming movie about The Flash, which sounds very Spider-verse-y.

The Flash movie, which is planned for release in summer 2022, will feature fast-moving hyper-hero Barry Allen, played by Ezra Miller, breaking the bonds of physics to crash into various parallel dimensions, where he’ll encounter slightly different versions of DC’s classic heroes.

Again, very Spider-verse-y. Which is fine. And which I point out mostly to remind everyone how good Into the Spider-verse is. And which leads us to the more interesting part of this, the part that doesn’t get the big splashy headlines like “AFFLECK TO RETURN AS BATMAN” but is fascinating to me.

Affleck won’t be the only Batman making a comeback; a few more of the alternate-dimension heroes who turn up in the Flash movie will be figures we’ve seen before. Michael Keaton’s Batman from the 1989 Tim Burton film is also set to appear in what [director Andy] Muschietti said was a “substantial” part.

I have no idea how this will or is supposed to work and, in the short term, I do not want to know. I want to live inside the possibilities. I want to imagine a 68-year-old Michael Keaton in the Batsuit just whupping on bad guys and quipping some Keaton-y quips. Michael Keaton rules. Ben Affleck is fine. I still think he should be focusing on my as-yet-unwritten sequel to The Accountant — The Accountant II: In The Red — but I can deal with this if it gets Michael Keaton back in the Batmobile for a few minutes. I’m not unreasonable.

ITEM NUMBER FOUR — Lord in heaven help me, I cannot stop looking at these pictures of Jim Belushi on his weed farm

Jim Belushi has a new reality show on Discovery. It’s called Growing Belushi and it takes place on his Oregon weed farm and, yes, this is where you’re probably discovering that longtime sitcom star Jim Belushi is now an Oregon weed magnate. The world is full of wonder and surprises, all the time. I say this not to poke fun at Belushi, who appears to be a full-on legitimate advocate for the healing powers of cannabis. He’s given a number of interviews about it all as the show gets rolling and in many of them he discusses his brother John and how legalized medical marijuana could have altered the tragic history there.

Belushi mentions his brother several times — John’s wife, Judy, appears in the series, along with Aykroyd — and says he thinks Belushi’s drug use, and eventual overdose death in 1982, was partly caused by a traumatic brain injury he suffered while playing high school football.

“I saw my brother have a seizure in my house and we didn’t know what that was from,” he says. “It was from banging his head and getting his bell rung. That’s what I believe. If Johnny was a pothead, he’d be alive today.

So that’s fine. Good, even. But I cannot be expected to focus on that when there are pictures like the one at the top of this section just floating around the internet. Look at it! Look at the hat/cigar/smirk situation happening there! I want it as a mural on the side of a building that faces a busy highway. And it’s not the only absolutely brain-curving promotional image from the show. Look at this one!

And this one!

And THIS one!

I don’t know what it is exactly about these pictures that has taken over my entire brain, but rest assured, I will be staring at them until I figure it out. I will be thinking about this quote, too…

Belushi seems to have a special bond with his plants. He names them, talks to them, plays the harmonica to them. He even has a particular playlist that involves “baby-making music” in the morning, reggae around noon and blues and funk later in the day. “And then when I harvest them, I play gospel music for them to let them know that they’re going into the light to heal,” he said.

… but mostly, I will be staring at the pictures. I want to start living my entire life with “Jim Belushi on his weed farm” energy, which is not something I ever expected to type or think at any point in my life. And yet, here we are, with another reminder that the world is always about 20-25 percent weirder than you think it can possibly be.

ITEM NUMBER FIVE — The funniest thing The Crown could do

This is the new teaser for the upcoming fourth season The Crown. The big story here is the introduction of Gillian Anderson as Margaret Thatcher and Emma Corrin as Princess Diana, and you can see Diana in her wedding dress in the clip, which has set royal-watching types ablaze with excitement. I’m very happy for them. Everyone needs a few moments of joy right now, however you get them.

The teaser does bring up my favorite Crown-related issue, though, one that I’ve brought up when discussing other projects that are based on real-life events: There is nothing stopping them from taking a hard left this season and going full-on fan-fiction. How great would that be? Three seasons of painstaking historical accuracy and then, blammo, Jason Statham shows up in a tank and tells the Queen they’re under attack from, I don’t know, aliens from another galaxy. Or they can introduce The Joker out of nowhere. Let Olivia Colman defeat a supervillain in character as the Queen of England. The only thing limiting the possibilities is your own imagination, producers of The Crown.

I would enjoy this. I would enjoy this so much. Just for the anarchy of it all. The pure, unfiltered chaos that would rush forth from the British press when they get to, let’s say, episode six of the new season and Olivia Colman picks up a rocket launcher and blasts a spaceship out of the sky. Just turn the whole thing right onto its jewel-adorned head. Do it for me. And Olivia Colman. I think she would enjoy it, too. She seems very fun.

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From Levi:

As we’ve all seen, our lives have been completely changed with the pandemic. When do you think TV and movies will catch up to the pandemic, and feature characters living in a post-COVID world? Example: Detectives having to undergo 14 day quarantine because they might’ve came in contact with someone with symptoms? Or people wearing masks in tv shows? Or, fingers crossed, the rise of lucha libra wrestling?

Levi, this is an interesting question. I have two conflicting thoughts about it:

• This is probably inevitable and will start as soon as this spring, once shows start figuring out how to work in these conditions and tell stories that feel real and relevant
• I do not want it

I don’t know. Sometimes I like it when shows lean into current events to give the audience a look at the world from a new perspective. Lately, I… have not liked it. I don’t have the space in my brain for it. There’s enough going on in there right now, overloading the machinery and frying the motherboard as it tries to process a global pandemic that has been going on for almost six months now. I’m looking for an escape. I’m looking to shut things down for 30-60 minutes at a time, to have fun, to watch nice people goof around as though the world is not on fire. It’s one of the reasons I like Ted Lasso so much.

It’s probably also why I just pitched a bazooka-toting Queen of England battling aliens and/or The Joker. We’re all doing great out here!

AND NOW, THE NEWS

To England!

A British inventor who set out to create a more environmentally friendly ice cream truck broke a Guinness World Record when the food-dispensing vehicle was declared the world’s fastest.

Okay, first of all, hell yes. I am very much on-board with any story that introduces the concept of the world’s fastest ice cream truck in its opening sentence.

Second of all, HELL YES. Tell me everything about this at once.

Guinness said Edd China broke the record for the world’s fastest ice cream truck when he took it to a top speed of 73.921 mph at Elvington Airfield in Yorkshire, England.

Wait.

Hold on.

Hollllllllllld on.

The land speed record for an ice cream truck is only 74 miles an hour? That seems… low. I know ice cream trucks are not exactly aerodynamic missiles but… I mean, 74 miles an hour? I feel like we could break this as early as next month if we really put our minds to it. I bet you could find an old ice cream truck and outfit it with NOS and crack 80, no problem. This is suddenly very important to me. I want one of us to hold the record for the world’s fastest ice cream truck. I’m so consumed by it that I appear to have skipped right over the fact that the man who currently holds the record for the fastest ice cream truck is named Edd China.

This is madness.

The inventor said his ice cream truck originally had a Mercedes Sprinter diesel engine until he used his conversion kit to make it run on electricity.

China said he is hoping to make his conversion kit publicly available in the near future to allow ice cream trucks to continue their work without polluting the air.

You cannot imagine how much I want to live in a world where a fleet of environmentally safe ice cream trucks are screaming through the streets and drifting around hairpin turns while their drivers heave sprinkle-covered cones out the window in the general direction of delighted children who hurry out of their house to watch them zoom by like it’s a NASCAR race. In a way, it’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Iggy Azalea and Tinashe — two artists bouncing back after drawn-out bouts of label drama — linked up this week to release the new single “Dance Like Nobody’s Watching.” Over a funky, uptempo bassline, the two freshly independent artists share an empowering message of carefree self-reliance. The song’s message hits even harder in light of both Iggy and Tinashe’s struggles through the past few years and independent success once they secured their artistic freedom.

Iggy, who was initially signed to T.I.’s label Grand Hustle, saw her debut album released through Def Jam, debuting at No. in 2014 after her fourth single, “Fancy” with Charli XCX, saw massive success and peaked at No. 1 on the Hot 100. However, despite the album’s success, Azalea’s follow-up album, Digital Distortion, was pushed back several times while her contract was shuffled from one subsidiary of UMG to another. Eventually, she was able to secure a release from her deal (or was dropped), establishing her own record label and signing a distribution deal with Empire to release the defiant comeback album, In My Defense. “Dance Like Nobody’s Watching” will serve as the lead single for her upcoming third studio album End Of An Era.

Meanwhile, Tinashe released her own independent album, Songs For You, in November 2019 after being released from her 2013 RCA Records contract. Although her own debut album Aquarius was one of the most solid debuts for a new female artist in years, the label was unable to define her sound, pushing for more pop-oriented records while Tinashe herself wanted to pursue the original, moody R&B sounds that garnered her fans in the first place. While the partnership produced two more albums, Nightride and Joyride, her fans celebrated her release from the label as the return of her creative control was obvious in the reception to Songs For You.

Watch the lyric video for Iggy Azalea and Tinashe’s “Dance Like Nobody’s Watching” above.

Have mercy? Doesn’t sound like it’s happening with Operation Varsity Blues.

Back in May, Lori Loughlin and husband Mossimo Giannulli pleaded guilty in the college admissions scandal, but they surely did not want to end up with prison time as a part of that deal. It was fully on the table, however, given that they pleaded guilty to the federal crimes of wire and mail fraud. There will be fines, and at least for Giannulli (Lori’s sentencing will come later today), an actual sentence of time behind bars.

As USA Today reports, U.S. District Judge Nathaniel Gorton handed Giannulli, who he described as guilty of a “breathtaking fraud,” five months in prison:

“I accept the… plea agreement negotiated by the government and Mr. Giannulli and I conclude that the agreed sentence… is sufficient but not greater than needed for punishment,” Gorton said. “There is no mystery about the outcome.”

Five months is most decidedly longer than the 14 days that Felicity Huffman received in September 2019, although that doesn’t account for any difference in offense level. In addition, the legal system was possibly feeling more generous with Huffman, given that she cooperated and struck a plea deal much earlier in the scandal’s timeline.

As mentioned above, Loughlin will appear before the court for her own sentencing on Friday afternoon. Prosecutors have recommended that she receive two months for her participation in a scheme to admit their two daughters into the University of Southern California while as faux recruits to the crew team. The prosecutors did concede that Loughlin was “less active” in the scheme than her husband, but we’ll see how strict or lenient the judge is feeling soon.

(Via USA Today)

There are 11 seasons of The X-Files, two movies, and that Simpsons episode, so the world isn’t lacking in Mulder and Scully content. But it’s still always nice to see David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson together, or in the case of the video below, “together.”

The X-Files duo — along with co-stars Mitch Pileggi (Skinner), Robert Patrick (Doggett), Annabeth Gish (Monica Reyes), unmistakable “Humbag” standout The Enigma; creator Chris Carter; writer Vince Gilligan; and director Michelle MacLaren, among others — virtually reunited to raise funds for the World Central Kitchen and provide lyrics to the show’s eerie and iconic theme song. (Anderson unfortunately doesn’t appear until the end.) There are few never-skip television theme songs; The X-Files had one of them.

Variety reports that “executive producer Frank Spotnitz’s desire to help the needy during the ongoing coronavirus pandemic saw him devise a challenge for The X-Files fans to write bespoke lyrics for the show’s instrumental theme tune. The winning tune was written by fans Jennifer Large and Rebecca McDonald.” The lyrics go:

Deep conspiracies
Unsolved mysteries
Spooky UFOs
Files that have been closed

It works much better with musical accompaniment, so crank that Mark Snow-composed instrumental (or better yet, the Pure Moods remix) and sing along.

(Via Variety)

Maluma is among the performers at this year’s MTV VMAs ceremony, and for his time in the spotlight (alongside CNCO), he wants to do something that used to be commonplace but isn’t anymore: Perform for a live audience. That’s not just wishful thinking, as he apparently has a plan to make that happen.

TMZ reports that the duo is casting “super fans” to join them for an outdoor performance at the VMAs, but precautions will be taken. The casting call notes that fans must live near New York City, bring a guest (as long as they live together), get a coronavirus test on August 23 before self-isolating with their guest until the day of the show, on August 30.

Aside from performing, Maluma also earned himself a nomination this year, as his J. Balvin collaboration “Queì Pena” is up for Best Latin. CNCO also has a pair of nominations, in Best Quarantine Performance and Best Choreography.

Meanwhile, DaBaby and Black Eyes Peas were recently added to the list of this year’s performers, so they’ll be joining Maluma, CNCO, Doja Cat, BTS, J Balvin, The Weeknd, Roddy Ricch at this year’s ceremony.

Find the full list of this year’s VMAs nominees here.

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

It’s been a busy week around the Association. The playoffs are in full swing, and the story lines have already started their usual twists and turns, as certain teams have surprised us, while others have been exactly who we expected them to be. Friday represents something of pivot point in many series, as a slate of Game 3s will reveal which teams have the upper hand in their respective matchups.

One such team is the Utah Jazz, which are currently tied 1-1 with the Denver Nuggets. In their opener earlier this week, the got a historic 57-point outburst from Donovan Mitchell, despite the losing effort, but were able to even the series in Game 2. They’ve had to do it all without Mike Conley in the lineup, who left the bubble last weekend to attend the birth of his son, Elijah.

On Wednesday, news emerged that Conley had returned to Orlando and was undergoing quarantine with the hopes of returning for Game 3 on Friday, and it now appears that he will be back in the starting lineup for his team when they tip off, according to ESPN’s Adrian Wojnarowski.

Jordan Clarkson has stepped up big time for Utah in Conley’s absence, putting up 26 points, four rebounds, and three assists in their Game 2 win. But Conley was finally finding his way back to form in the eight seeding games after struggling before the hiatus. Prior to leaving Orlando, he was averaging 18 points and five assists per game, and his steady hand and postseason experience will add a needed dimension to the Jazz attack.

In the week since Nas’s offhand reference to Doja Cat in his new single “Ultra Black,” fans who perceived the line as a slight against the younger rapper have wondered whether she’ll offer a response in the form of a record of her own. While she did sarcastically remark on the lyric during a recent Instagram Live session, some still want to see her drop a bar or two about it in a song. During another Live, it seemed they might get their wish, but in typical Doja Cat fashion, the “Like That” rapper used the opportunity for more good-natured trolling instead.

“The song that I have coming out is called ‘Nas,’” she quipped. “But only if you abbreviate it. It’s three words.” She points out that the title was actually coincidental, commenting, “It’s funny, because that was before the fact. If you know what I’m talking about, you know what I’m talking about.” The song in question is the previously teased “N****s Ain’t Sh*t,” which went viral on TikTok after she played a snippet during a pre-scandal Live.

Nas’ new single riled some communities on social media — and amused others — when he referred to Doja Cat’s recent chat room controversies on “Ultra Black.” “We goin’ ultra black, unapologetically black,” he cracks. “The opposite of Doja Cat.” The line perpetuates a social media narrative that Doja Cat is “anti-Black” because of an old song on which she used a slur to come to grips with her complicated feelings about being mixed. The song’s title, “Dindu Nuffin,” is a slur used online to make light of Black people’s fraught relationship with the police, while the song itself resurfaced as Doja was being accused of participating in racist chats. However, Doja has since apologized for the track and denied visiting chat rooms frequented by white supremacists.

Check out Doja’s “N.A.S.” tease above.