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Previously on NJPW: New Japan returned after over three months on hiatus! Naito showed off a new move, Uemura showed off bigger muscles, and the company showed wrestlers getting their temperature taken.

You can watch New Japan Pro Wrestling shows on their streaming service, NJPW World, which costs 999 yen (about 9 USD.)

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And now the Best and Worst of the first two nights of the first round of the NJPW World Special New Japan Cup, from June 16-17, 2020.

Best: HERE IN THE LAND OF THE ICE AND SNOW

Even before the June 16 opening match begins, it succeeds in building hype for the show through the continued miracle of Togi Makabe’s uncensored theme song. And maybe I was just riding the high of hearing a real song played on a wrestling show, but I thought Togi Makabe vs. Yota Tsuji kicked a whole lot of ass. It’s very minimal and aggressive, and especially with the body types of the wrestlers involved, it feels like a heavyweight bout from decades past. These eight minutes definitely energized me to watch more of this NJPW show, more of Makabe in this tournament, and more of Tsuji in the future.

Worst: No More Jado Matches; Society Has Progressed Past The Need For Jado Matches

The biggest point in the Yano vs. Jado match’s favor is that it seemed put together with the awareness that nobody really wants to see Jado wrestle in 2020. The setup from the beginning is more that Yano needs to out-cheat the three cheating members of the scaled-down Bullet Club than it is that Yano needs to beat Jado. The match is short and comedic and works around the 51-year-old not really being able to bump anymore, but it’s still not all that funny or entertaining. The top highlight: that the Master Thief’s new entrance video introduces him as “YouTuber Toru Yano.”

Worst: No More Honma Matches; Society Has Progressed Past The Need For Honma Matches

While the Jado match at least seems aware of its broken-down old man’s limitations, Hiromu Takahashi vs. Tomoaki Honma attempts to press on as if they don’t exist, and the match suffers for it.

I get the kind of thing they were going for. Hiromu and Honma both made impressive recoveries from serious neck injuries at very different points in their careers; Occam’s razor says to make that dynamic the story! But while Hiromu’s comeback has so far been successful in every way and he’s still as must-watch as he was before that night in San Francisco, Honma doesn’t look like he should be wrestling. Pre-injury Honma could pull off a spirited underdog performance, but now it’s not credible that he could last twenty minutes with almost anyone on the New Japan roster and it’s not fun to watch him try. This match oscillates between being boring and concerning.

This match at least provides some quality moments of Hiromu doing Hiromu things like trying to start a slow clap with the audience at home before hitting the John Woo. His breakdown backstage over the suppressed traumatic memory of Yano shaving his head in 2011 is also amazing. Hiromu has generally been doing everything with so much mania since the comeback that I basically believe what he said backstage at the Together Project Special, that he might actually be too overwhelmed if there was an audience at these shows.

Best: Dog Eat Dog

Tomohiro Ishii vs. El Desperado is Despy’s first singles match in NJPW proper since he broke his jaw last spring, and he makes the most of every minute of it. The one-on-one environment highlights how distinctive his selling and body language are, and we see the full range of the character over the course of this match. He starts with the strategy he showed he was going to use in the preview tag, targeting Ishii’s knees in order to set up for Numero Dos. It’s pretty effective, but when Ishii escapes too many times, Desperado gest frustrated and starts cheating, and when Ishii fights through the cheating, Desperado is finally worked up enough to show passion as well as skill as a straight-up fighter. Ishii tends to bring that out of people, and it makes for an NJPW match formula that manages to never feel formulaic.

Worst: I’m Just A Kidd And Life Is A Nightmare

The June 17 show starts less strongly than the previous night with dojo newbie Gabriel Kidd vs. teacup bodybuilder and junior heavyweight legend Taiji Ishimori. Kidd doesn’t really make an impression aside from a nice brainbuster late in the game, but Ishimori’s performance is noticeably bad.

At this point in his career, there’s a big difference between when Ishimori puts on his working boots for important matches and when he just kind of shows up to work, and this match is an example of the latter. Ishimori has a famously great offensive arsenal, but his control portions here aren’t very exciting because it feels like he’s going through the motions. He even directs his acting towards a crowd that wasn’t there (aside from the sarcastic (?) chant for himself, but just some of his mannerisms), which looks robotic and is something performers have largely avoided on NJPW’s no-fans shows so far.

Ishimori ultimately wins, of course, and at least sells his upcoming match with Kanemaru harder with his promo than he did with the match he just wrestled, bringing up his impressively bad, years-long record against Kanemaru by saying he’s “deathly allergic” to him. I’m guessing more of Ishimori’s good qualities as a wrestler will show up during that allergic reaction.

Best: Ue-More-A

After the opener, it’s time for everyone to remember what Kanemaru’s theme sounds like, and for a stronger Young Lion vs. guy who made his name in Pro Wrestling NOAH match. Both wrestlers in this match show a mix of urgency and brains, which looks really impressive coming from Yuya Uemura. He didn’t spend those months in the dojo just building up muscle mass and frustration; he also came up with some quality anti-Suzukigun strategy. He jumps Kanemaru right as he gets in the ring and actually manages to avoid being whipped into the barricades at the beginning of the match. And Kanemaru doesn’t have the flashiest offense or the visual hook of having just moved up a weight class (if pro wrestling had MMA weight classes), but everything he does feels like it has a purpose and that keeps it engaging.

Uemura’s clearly moved up a few levels and now looks like he’ll be a fun guy to watch whenever they do another BOSJ, but it’s not enough for him to get the win. Kanemaru pins him with Deep Impact shortly after a sequence when he goes to hit Uemura with the whiskey bottle instead of spit whiskey at him. He’s a Heel Master, but it’s a pandemic and he’s not that evil.

Best: No Main Event For Old Men

Minoru Suzuki vs. Yuji Nagata is the highlight of the tournament so far, and a standout performance for Nagata especially. Both 52-year-olds (this took place on Suzuki’s birthday!) completely embrace this as a battle between two tough-as-nails guys who really hate each other and whose contemporaries and rivals are retiring around them. It’s not the most athletic match, but it’s incredibly motivated. There’s no wasted action; you really feel like both Nagata and Suzuki are doing everything they’re doing for a reason.

Something that stands out about Nagata in this match is how much his former top guy qualities, the ones that never really go away if a performer doesn’t completely let them go, come to the surface. Aside from Nagata’s kicks and exploders still looking amazing, he dusts off the big match protagonist version of himself. The way he plays Suzuki trapping him in the corner is fantastic, like he sees there’s no escape and just decides to grit his teeth through getting forearmed in the face. It works really well as a contrast to Suzuki’s brand of toughness, which is rooted in a hedonism about the whole act of pro wrestling.

Nagata’s extremely doomed against Okada, but this match reminds everyone of all the reasons to root for him beforehand (and maybe check out some of his older matches in the meantime.)

Gedo’s Revenge

Our actual main event is a weird one: a Gedo vs. Kazuchika Okada match packed with all the shenanigans they could think of. The sheer amount of illegal activity is probably the match’s biggest strength because otherwise it would be even less believable that Gedo could last fifteen minutes with the guy who used to be the untouchable golden god of this promotion.

The two easiest answers for why Gedo was able to last so long are 1) maybe they needed the show to go at least two hours, and 2) he is the booker of New Japan Pro Wrestling. When the easiest ways to explain what’s happening on a wrestling show are the smarky meta ones, you know the show is doing something wrong. Some of Gedo’s offensive success does make sense in kayfabe though because 1) he used to be Okada’s manager and should know everything about the Rainmaker as a wrestler, and 2) some of his weapon attacks are with objects that should hurt a lot! I’ll buy Okada continuing to sell being attacked with a spanner and then kicked in the belly many times for a while. It would be very hard to do cardio after that.

The match’s opening with Okada being ready for the tricks of Gedo’s he’d seen before, then being waylaid by Gedo’s backup tricks was fun and well-executed. But overall, this match just strains believability too much by asking the audience to believe that the Okada character would have this much trouble with a much smaller, 51-year-old man who wrestles about two singles matches a year, has been more relevant as a manager than a wrestler for a while now, and is known by many to be a powerful backstage figure.

Best: Next Time On New Japan Pro Wrestling

The tag matches previewing future singles matches are usually the most skippable parts of New Japan shows, but the eight-man tags in the middle of both of these shows are highlights, with everyone involved bringing the physical and dramatic intensity of wrestlers working hard to sell their next bout and make up for not being able to wrestle for months.

I’d say the stronger one in terms of both action and drama is the Suzuki, Taichi, ZSJ, and Kanemaru vs. Tanahashi, Ibushi, Nagata, and Uemura match from June 16, which makes everyone and every upcoming match look good, but especially the two we still haven’t seen yet: Ibushi vs. Sabre and Tanahashi vs. Taichi. Some Dangerous Tekkers tag teamwork is a reminder that oh yeah, they are a legitimate tag team now and this feud is really about the tag titles, and we get to see Ibushi enter the ring with Kill Bill sirens already fully blaring in his brain.

This feud and its internal singles feuds have also been elevated by some of the best backstage promos of the tournament so far, especially from the bad guys. Both teams make sure to talk about both the tag titles and the tournament, and everyone is confident they’re going to wrestle their partner in the second round. Taichi goes extra hard on the mic, insulting all of NJPW’s foreign wrestlers who aren’t Zack (unlike his partner, they weren’t courageous and professional enough to stay in Japan), on Tanahashi’s quarantine weight (Taichi only gained weight to keep up with him), and on the whole concept of love. ZSJ’s main points are how hot Ibushi is and how he beats him every year in the New Japan Cup; these are also quality promo material. As much as I love Golden Ace, I think I’m more pro-Dangerous Tekkers as tag champions just because I want them to keep cutting promos together.

The Chaos (Goto, Yoshi-Hashi, Yoh, and Sho) vs. L.I.J. (Evil, Sanada, Bushi, and Shingo) match the next night stands out less as a tag match, but does a good job of hyping up Sho vs. Takagi II. Sho is very focused on Shingo from the beginning while Shingo tries to play things a little cooler, but when they’re actually wrestling, both are convincingly invested and continue to work well together. Also, Sho’s hair is clearly Like This now so he can do intense emo stares at his arch-rival from underneath it.

The standout promos from NJPW’s no-fans shows so far that aren’t from Hiromu or Dangerous Tekkers come from the Sho-Shingo rivalry, definitely helped by having the most to talk about. Backstage at the comeback show, Sho played things as if his match with Shingo is happening as a natural step in their rivalry, saying “You told me that you’d wait for me to reach you.” Without even hearing this first, Shingo completely rebuts it by saying he doesn’t see any change in Sho since the last time they faced off, and point out that he just got this match by luck. On the 17th, Shingo admits he was wrong and that Sho has improved a little, but Sho acknowledges that Shingo was right; he did get this match by luck and he needs more than luck to win.

An interesting thing about their dynamic is that it’s not really face vs. heel. Takagi’s pretty harsh with Sho, but he’s also been rooting for him, in his own way, since their singles match last year. Shingo seems to actually want Sho to step up; he’s not just bragging about being on a higher level in order to keep Sho down. And though getting in the ring with Takagi sends Sho from zero to rage mode in about three seconds, he also clearly respects him and never acts like he needs to defeat him out of revenge or moral obligation. It’s something he now needs to do, even more than he needed to heading into BOSJ last year, in order to show he’s reached another level as a wrestler.

All this points, I think, to Sho losing next week and to these characters continuing to be linked together past this tournament. You can point to the New Japan Cup bracket and think about how NJPW was starting to re-heat this rivalry earlier this year but didn’t originally make it part of this tournament as evidence of this, but it also makes sense in kayfabe as the natural next step in the story. Takagi seems like he has the right balance of focus on this rivalry and this match while also looking forward to the rest of the tournament, facing other people in L.I.J., and eventually facing Naito. Meanwhile, Sho seems focused only on this match as a personal and professional accomplishment, but he doesn’t sound all that confident about it, or like the wrestler he needs to be in order to break out in his career.

To get back on a meta-level, if this angle keeps going as well as it has been, when Sho does actually get this win, it should be really compelling as a match, a dramatic climax, and the crowning of an up-and-coming star, and that’s the kind of moment that really needs an audience. It deserves the soundtrack and the palpable emotional investment of all the women who make Roppongi 3K signs – and the rest of the NJPW fandom whose glue gun skills I haven’t had the opportunity to judge. This doesn’t make me any less excited to see Sho and Shingo clothesline the baby oil off of each other on Monday; it just also makes me look forward to match number three at some point in the future. (Unless I’m completely wrong and Sho wins! In which case, good for him, but kind of a weird choice for a no-fans show!)

And on the no-fans aspect of these shows, I think that the first two installments of the New Japan Cup didn’t do as good of a job of consistently filling the empty atmosphere as the Together Project Special, but they were still always really easy to watch. Some matches were much better than others, but overall, the shows both were only two hours of almost entirely wrestling that featured very different lineups each day of people who haven’t wrestled on TV in a while. NJPW has so far made it very easy to just tune into these and see how they go.

I’ll see you back here next week after we see how more of these go with a Best and Worst breakdown of Dangerous Tekkers vs. Golden Ace, Sho vs. Shingo, and the rest of the first round of the right side of the bracket.

Hulu launches into July with a buzzed-about comedy from Andy Samberg and some quality films from a roster of diverse voices. Samberg’s Palm Springs — a more mellow Russian Doll venture — sees him hilariously struggling with time travel alongside Cristin Milioti. It was a Sundance breakout, and Samberg is the perfect leading man for this kind of bad comedy trip. The Assistant and I Am Not Your Negro are two more movies worth checking out this month, both with a social-justice bent that feels timely.

Here’s everything coming to and leaving Hulu this July.

Palm Springs (Hulu original streaming 7/10)
This highly-anticipated comedy from SNL alumn and Brooklyn Nine-Nine star Andy Samberg feels like a spiritual successor to a Bill Murray classic, a millennial Groundhog’s Day except this story is set in the sunny world of Palm Springs. Samberg’s Nyles meets Sarah (Cristin Milioti) at a wedding, and the two are pulled through a weird portal that causes them to repeat the same day, over, and over again. Honestly, it’s the perfect quarantine watch.

The Assistant (film streaming 7/20)
Ozark breakout Julia Garner stars in this tense #MeToo thriller with Succession’s Matthew Macfayden. Garner plays Jane, a recent college grad who just scored an assistant job at a film production company. When she begins noticing her boss sexually harassing young women around the office, she tries to do something about it and runs into various roadblocks from the higher-ups. It’s a dark, seedy drama and Garner is brilliant in it.

I Am Not Your Negro (documentary streaming 7/3)
Hulu’s adding a handful of great films from Black creatives but this James Baldwin doc feels the most powerful. Based on his unfinished manuscript Remember This House, the film digs into America’s history of racism through Baldwin’s first-hand accounts of civil rights leaders like MLK Jr. and Malcolm X, and his own experiences fighting for equality. It’s educational, enlightening, and heartbreaking.

Here’s the full list of titles coming to Hulu in July:

Avail. 7/1
1000-lb Sisters: Complete Season 1
90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days: Complete Season 3
90 Day Fiance: The Other Way: Complete Season 1
BBQ Rig Race: Complete Season 1
Beyond the Headlines: The College Admissions Scandal with Gretchen Carlson: Complete
Season 1
Biography: Chris Farley – Anything for a Laugh
Bobby Flay’s Barbecue Addiction: Special
Buddy vs. Duff: Complete Season 1
Burgers, Brew & ‘Que: Complete Seasons 1-3, 5
Deadly Women: Complete Season 13
Eat, Sleep, BBQ: Complete Season 1
Family By the Ton: Complete Season 2
Ghost Hunters: Complete Season 1
Homicide Hunter: Complete Season 9
House Hunters: Complete Season 154 – 159
Intervention: Complete Season 20
Jamie and Doug Plus One: Complete Season 1
Kids BBQ Championship: Complete Season 1 & 2
Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath: Complete Season 3
Man vs. Master: Chef Battle: Complete Season 1
Married at First Sight: Complete Seasons 1-3
Psychic Kids: Complete Season 1
Say Yes to the Nest: Complete Season 1
Seven Year Switch: Complete Seasons 1 & 2
Sex Sent Me to the ER: Complete Season 3
Shark Week 2018
Shark Week 2019
The American Farm: Complete Season 1
The Day I Picked My Parents: Complete Season 1
The Grill Dads: Complete Season 1
The Strongest Man In History: Complete Season 1
The Toe Bro: Complete Season 1
The UnXplained with William Shatner: Complete Season 1
Twisted Sisters: Complete Season 2
UFOs: Secret Alien Technology
UFOs: Secret Missions Exposed
Ultimate Summer Cook-Off: Complete
Unpolished: Complete Season 1
Welcome to Plathville: Complete Season 1
12 and Holding (2006)
2001 Maniacs (2005)
52 Pick-Up (1986)
A Bridge Too Far (1977)
A Complete History of My Sexual Failures (2009)
A Kid Like Jake (2018)
A Mighty Wind (2003)
A Storks Journey (2017)
An Eye for a Eye (1966)
The Axe Murders of Villisca (2017)
The Bellboy (1960)
Beloved (2012)
Best In Show (2000)
Between Us (2017)
Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970)
Birdwatchers (2010)
Boogie Woogie (2010)
The Bounty (1984)
Brokedown Palace (1998)
Buffy, the Vampire Slayer (1992)
Bug (1975)
Buried (2010)
Cadaver (2009)
California Dreamin’ (2009)
Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter (1974)
Catcher Was A Spy (2018)
The Catechism Cataclysm (2011)
Change of Plans (2010)
Cheech & Chong’s Still Smokin’ (1983)
Cinderfella (1960)
Citizen Soldier (2016)
The Client (1994)
Cold War (2012)
The Color Purple (1985)
Cortex (2008)
The Cured (2018)
Danger Close (2019)
Dark Touch (2013)
Day Night Day Night (2007)
The Devil’s Candy (2017)
The Devil’s Rejects (2005)
Dheepan (2016)
Die Hard 4 (Live Free or Die Hard) (2007)
Downhill Racer (1969)
The Edukators (2005)
Eloise’s Lover (2009)
Exorcismus (2011)
The Eye (2008)
The Eye 2 (2005)
Father of My Children (2010)
Filth & Wisdom (2008)
Flashback (1990)
The Flat (2012)
Footloose (1984)
For Your Consideration (2006)
The Forbidden Kingdom (2008)
Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
The Forgiveness of Blood (2012)
Freddy Vs Jason (2003)
Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991)
Furlough (2018)
Girls! Girls! Girls! (1962)
Grizzly Man (2005)
Hateship, Loveship (2014)
Hornet’s Nest (2014)
Hot Rod (2007)
House of 1000 Corpses (2003)
The House That Jack Built (2018)
The Inevitable Defeat of Mister & Pete (2014)
Iron Eagle IV: On the Attack (1999)
Justin Bieber: Never Say Never (2011)
Kung Pow: Enter the Fist (2002)
The Last Mistress (2008)
Len and Company (2016)
Liar, Liar (1997)
Love Songs (2008)
The Man from London (2009)
The Man Who Could Cheat Death (1959)
March of the Penguins (2005)
Mary Shelley (2018)
Match (2015)
Moonstruck (1987)
My Cousin Vinny (1992)
The Necessities of Life (2009)
Nick Nolte: No Exit (2009)
Nights and Weekends (2009)
The Ninth Gate (2000)
Norma Rae (1979)
The Patsy (1964)
Phase IV (1974)
Polisse (2012)
Poseidon (2006)
Post Grad (2007)
Rabbit Hole (2011)
Rebel in the Rye (2017)
Right at Your Door (2007)
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)
Room of Death (2008)
Search for General Tso Chicken (2015)
The Shock Doctrine (2010)
The Shrine (2011)
Sliver (1993)
Speed 2: Cruise Control (1996)
Spider-Man 3 (2007)
Spiderhole (2011)
Spring Forward (2000)
Starting Out in the Evening (2007)
Sugar Hill (1994)
Sunset Strip (1999)
Tales From the Golden Age (2011)
Tank 432 (2016)
The Tenant (1976)
Tetsuo III: The Bullet Man (2011)
Things to Come (2016)
This Christmas (2007)
Three Blind Mice (2009)
Three Musketeers (2011)
Trapped Model (2019)
The Trip (2011)
The Trip to Italy (2014)
The Trip to Spain (2017)
Trishna (2012)
Trivial (2007)
The Truth About Cats & Dogs (1996)
Waiting for Guffman (1997)
Waiting Room (2008)
We Are What We Are (2011)
We Have Pope (2012)
The Weather Man (2005)
The Wedding Planner (2001)
West Side Story (1961)
When A Man Comes Home (2010)

Avail. 7/2
The Whistlers (2020)

Avail. 7/3
I Am Not Your Negro (2016)
To The Stars (2019)

Avail. 7/5
Outcry: Complete Season 1

Avail. 7/8
BOFURI: I Don’t Want to Get Hurt, so I’ll Max Out My Defense: Season 1, Episodes 1-8

Avail. 7/9
Toilet-bound Hanako-kun: Season 1, Episodes 1-8

Avail. 7/10
Palm Springs (Hulu Original)
Cake: Season 3 Premiere
CMA: Best of Fest: Special
Smile Down the Runway: Season 1, Episodes 1-8

Avail. 7/11
China: The Panda Adventure (2001)
Horses (2002)
The Secret of Life on Earth (1993)

Avail. 7/13
My Scientology Movie (2015)
The Rest Of Us (2019)

Avail. 7/15
Diary of a Prosecutor: Complete Season 1
Plunderer: Season 1, Episodes 1-12
Promised Neverland: Complete Season 1
Search: WWW: Complete Season 1
The Weekend (2019)

Avail. 7/17
Into the Dark: The Current Occupant: New Episode Premiere (Hulu Original)

Avail. 7/19
Marianne & Leonard: Words of Love (2019)

Avail. 7/20
The Assistant (2019)

Avail. 7/21
Sorcerous Stabber Orphen: Season 1, Episodes 1-9
The Last Full Measure (2019)

Avail. 7/22
Bolt (2008)

Avail. 7/26
2099: The Soldier Protocol (2019)

Avail. 7/27
Jamie: Keep Cooking and Carry On: Complete Season 1
Good Deeds (2012)

Avail. 7/28
Maxxx: Complete Season 1

Avail. 7/29
Infinite Dendrogram: Season 1, Episodes 1-8
Ladhood: Complete Season 1

Avail. 7/30
In My Skin: Complete Season 1
Bull (2019)
The Flood (2019)

Avail. 7/31
Brassic: Complete Season 1
A Certain Scientific Railgun T: Season 3, Episodes 1-11

Here’s what’s leaving Hulu in July:

Leaving 7/31
A Life Less Ordinary (1997)
Batman Begins (2005)
Billy the Kid (2013)
The Chumscrubber (2005)
Constantine (2005)
The Dark Knight (2008)
Destiny Turns on the Radio (1995)
Diary of a Hitman (1991)
The Forbidden Kingdom (2008)
Freddy Vs Jason (2003)
Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991)
The Graduate (1967)
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998)
Lady in a Cage (1964)
Men With Brooms (2002)
Moll Flanders (1996)
Mutant Species (1995)
Planet 51 (2009)
Race for Your Life, Charlie Brown (1977)
The Skull (1965)
Slums of Beverly Hills (1998)
Soul Food (1997)
Sprung (1997)
Tamara (2006)
Tank Girl (1995)
Thelma & Louise (1991)
Universal Soldier (1992)
Wayne’s World 2 (1993)

Bandcamp is continuing its commitment to artists in light of the pandemic by waiving fees on a select number of days. In the spirit of giving, many artists have elected to donate all proceeds earned from Bandcamp to various charities. Soccer Mommy’s Sophie Allison has done just that with her creative Soccer Mommy & Friends Singles Series. For the series, the singer teams up with various indie artists to share covers and other new recordings in the name of charity.

Allison kicked off the series by working with Jay Som and Beabadoobee and donating the money raised to both National Bail Out and Oxfam’s COVID-19 relief fund. Now, the singer has called upon MGMT’s vocalist Andrew VanWyngarden to offer his version of one of her songs. VanWyngarden chose to remix “Circle The Drain” from the singer’s recently-released album Color Theory. Allison, meanwhile, pulled from MGMT’s back catalog and covered “Indie Rokkers,” from their 2005 debut EP.

In a statement, Allison praised MGMT’s music: “I love MGMT so it was hard to pick a song to cover. They have so many great ones. I ended up choosing ‘Indie Rokkers’ because I thought it would fit my voice and my style the best. I also just thought it’d be cool to do a deep cut since a lot of people have already covered some of the bigger MGMT songs.”

VanWyngarden echoed Allison’s admiration and expressed his excitement about the project: “V psyched to try out adding some additional seasoning to the already tasteful sounds of Soccer Mommy. With the proceeds going to great organizations like Oxfam COVID relief and The National Bailout fund, it made it even more spicy.”

Listen to Soccer Mommy cover “Indie Rokkers” and VanWyngarden remix “Circle The Drain” below.

David Koepp has kept a low profile over the last few years. Sure, his name popped up when it was reported he wrote a screenplay for Indiana Jones 5, but then that film went another direction. (Ahead, Koepp does explain why Indiana Jones is so difficult to crack.) But it’s hard to ignore his last two projects was doing a pass on the script for The Mummy, which was to kick off the ill-fated Dark Universe. And before that, yes, he directed Mortdecai.

So, yes, from the outside looking in it sure seems like the narrative here is he went back to a pared-down, back to basics film like the psychological thriller hitting demand this weekend, You Should Have Left (about a married couple vacationing in a remote house in Wales), as a result of his last couple of films. But it never actually works like that. Especially with someone like Koepp who has been involved in so many blockbusters over the years. He wrote Jurassic Park! So, of course, when I bring this up, Koepp immediately admits, yes, of course, it’s because of The Mummy and, especially, Mortdecai.

Last time I spoke with you was for Premium Rush. I brought that movie up to Michael Shannon a couple of years later and he leaned back in his chair and said, “Ah, Bobby Monday,” like he was reminiscing about an old friend.

I miss that guy. Shannon is awesome. You have to adjust to his style, which is odd and is filled with pauses. He may stop for 20 seconds. That doesn’t mean he’s done with his sentence. So you just kind of hang with it.

You Should Have Left seems like you went bare bones?

It is certainly pared down to its story of centrals. I try hard to write kind of all over the map, but I try to write in all genres. Sometimes the biggest hits are the ones that are the great big movies, so those tend to be more memorable. But in terms of the movies I’ve directed, this is I think my seventh, it is my seventh, and they tend to be much more focused and intense and somewhat personal. And we wanted to do something about a marriage. And we wanted to explore this idea of a marriage that’s fatally flawed and that we know from the first scene, this doesn’t work, there is a big problem with the marriage, she’s way too young for him. And we’ve all seen that in Hollywood movies, but they usually try to hide it. And we want to do something where it was front and center.

Yeah that was noticeable right away.

And it had to be, because otherwise it just becomes a distraction and it’s “Hollywood’s at it again.”

Kevin Bacon plays a banker. In the book, he’s a screenwriter. Too close to home?

I don’t think there’s anyone in the world who wants to see a movie about a screenwriter.

Well, it’s a very popular book.

It’s different than a movie though. And, also, movies about writers who go to houses in remote locations? There’s a few that pop to mind that are pretty prominent.

Yeah, that’s been done.

And I think Mr. King has the copyright on that one.

Why a banker? Is it just how we feel about bankers these days to begin with?

Well, there is a faint aura of guilt around them, don’t you think?

I do.

Yeah, and we don’t know if he’s guilty or not. Certainly, that’s one of the motors of the movie. It’s a very Catholic movie. I grew up and went to Catholic school in the Midwest.

Anytime I ask, it never turns out to be something like this, but it’s hard to not look at your involvement in a movie like The Mummy, and then look at this, and think it’s kind of an answer, back to basics, to all that.

[Laughs] It’s totally the case!

And then this is the time it is. Alright.

It was more a reaction, The Mummy was something I worked on fairly briefly as a writer, but it was more of a reaction to the last movie I directed, which was the biggest budget I’d worked with, had great big movie stars in it and had big, big problems.

Are we talking about Mortdecai?

That’s the movie. And it was a critical and commercial and personal disaster. Now, those are very cleansing experiences, but what they make you think is, first of all, “I’m never going to do this again.” But then once you’re over that, you think, “Let’s do get back to the basics. Let’s tell a story about three interesting people. Let’s focus it. I don’t want to have a big budget. I don’t want to have that kind of pressure, and let me get back to telling the kind of story that I really like.”

Why won’t you say its name?

I don’t know. You know how like backstage you say “the Scottish play?” You don’t say Macbeth. It’s the same thing.

Okay.

So I’m glad I made that because I think it’s important to try stuff that you think you might fail at, something you’ve never done before. Something that feels like a risk and so that you’re on the high wire a little bit, because sometimes you do great work that way. The problem with the high wire is sometimes you fall. So that time I fell. And then you want to say, “Okay, what are the stories that I got into this for in the first place?” And my favorite movie is Rosemary’s Baby. So the idea of a marriage in a creepy place really resonates with me.

Well, I will say, if you ever wrote a book about your experience making Mortdecai, I would buy it.

Well, I’m not going to.

Yeah, I kind of got the hint when you’re not even saying the name of the movie that you’re probably not going to delve into it much more.

They don’t all work out.

Well, on a positive note, when you’re feeling down, do you just look at your resume? You’ve written a very high number of the biggest hit movies of the last 30 years.

Whenever something worked and people like it and go see it and say decent things about it, I always think, “Well, that gives me another 18 months in Hollywood. So I better make the most of it.” Because there are tons of people who have stories to tell, and you better keep telling good or interesting or daring ones or get out of the way so they can tell theirs.

I’ve seen a lot of people talking about The Paper recently. A movie about two Black kids being railroaded by the police for a murder. Have you seen that being brought up? What’s your opinion of that movie today?

I love that movie. It does come back up from time to time. And I’m glad, because it’s a very good-hearted movie and it’s also something of a time capsule. We didn’t know it at the time, but I think it came out in ’94 and the internet was just starting to really upend things. And by the end of the decade, of course, journalism would have completely changed, never to change back. So it’s a period piece. It very quickly became a period piece. And I hope that in the future, if and when journalism movies are made, we don’t lose that. Really, I mean, for me, the whole reason to make that movie and to write that movie was for the 3:00 p.m. meeting, when the crusty yet benign journalists are sitting around in a room trying to figure out what the story is and being funny and irreverent, and yet trying to do their jobs. And I hope that aspect of journalism never goes away.

Why is it so difficult to crack an Indiana Jones 5 script? I obviously haven’t read yours so I have no idea why it isn’t being used. But why is it that all these scripts seem to come and go with that movie particularly?

[Laughs] If I knew!

Okay. Good point.

I don’t know. Look, they’re hard because the first one and the third one are incredibly beloved. The character’s indelible, and that’s an enormous amount of pressure. And I don’t think anybody ever wants do one that is less than… I think the last one had a lot of stuff that really worked and had some stuff that didn’t. I’m sure whatever was wrong was my fault. I’m not trying to blame anybody. But nobody wants to do it unless it’s spectacular. And spectacular is hard to come by. So I guess the short answer would be, “because it’s hard.”

That’s probably the right answer?

Yeah. I think that’s probably it.

‘You Should Have Left’ will be available to stream via VOD this weekend. You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter.

Trippie Redd has been a major presence in hip-hop for a few years now, which makes it easy to forget that he’s still a very young guy. In fact, today (June 18) is his 21st birthday. Now, Trippie has celebrated the milestone by dropping a new song, “Dreamer.”

The track begins by sampling the classic viral video in which a young kid struggles repeatedly while trying to speak about dreams. From there, the song takes on a strong alternative rock influence, carried by a guitar riff and other traditionally rock instrumentation, with the addition of more electronic-sounding percussion. Trippie plays the role of provider on the track, singing, “I can touch your soul and tell you what you wanna hear / I’ll warm you when you’re cold, I keep you safe, nothing to fear.”

In a statement, he spoke about his musical philosophy, saying, “I like making timeless music. You’ve got to think of a timeless concept — love, hate, anger, sadness — all that shit is timeless. And if you can make something without it just meaning one thing, people can feel it and turn it into their own. That’s what makes it timeless.” He also spoke about his upbringing, saying he first wanted to make music after his older brother, an aspiring rapper, died in a car accident when Trippie was ten years old. “I took his dream and did it myself,” Trippie said.

Listen to “Dreamer” above.

For a guy who mostly made his name playing a series of slovenly weasels, Ben Mendelsohn is having a surprising renaissance as the loving but melancholic father. Fresh off his turn as the haunted cop father in HBO’s The Outsider, Mendolsohn once again plays sad dad in Babyteeth, this time in his natural Aussie accent, anchoring an unforgettable ensemble piece about tragedy and dysfunction. It’s hard to know where exactly Babyteeth is going at first, but it gets its hooks in so deep that when you finally have to let it go it’s exquisitely painful.

Mendelsohn plays Henry, a vaguely disheveled, sagely bedraggled (is there any other kind of Ben Mendolsohn character?) psychiatrist in the Sydney suburbs (you can always tell a film shot in Australia by the ever-present hum of insects and birds) who keeps a weekly appointment with his wife, Anna (Essie Davis from The Babadook). They meet up every Tuesday to have sex and discuss Anna’s medication, with a dynamic that you first interpret as an illicit affair, which is probably the point. Babyteeth, from director Shannon Murphy and writer Rita Kalnejais, always keeps us half a step off balance. Their film has that a sense of casual naughtiness, a straightforward love of innocent mischief common to the best Australian movies, which in this case serves to leaven the central tragedy.

Henry and Anna are attempting to cope, in different ways, with their sick teenage daughter, Milla (Eliza Scanlen from Little Women and Sharp Objects). Milla, meanwhile, is trying to be a teenager while dealing with health problems way outside her maturity-grade, all while living with parents who seem to be unraveling — probably because of her. When she meets squirrelly drug addict Moses (Toby Wallace) at the train station, it’s hard to tell whether her attraction to him is rebellion, schoolgirl crush, or both.

When Moses, meanwhile, a fine-boned feral boy with high cheekbones, a chiseled rat-tail, and the odd face tattoo, takes a shine to Milla, it’s hard to tell if he’s attracted to this underage girl (he’s 23) or just all the drugs she has access to. Even in a movie full of heavy hitters Wallace’s performance as Moses stands out as iconic.

Moses is a uniquely Australian take on The Hopelesss Scumbag You Can’t Help But Love, always clad in small shorts with some filthy but fashionably patterned shirt billowing off his wiry frame like Steven Tyler’s mic stand. Like Shia LaBeouf in American Honey you can practically smell Moses through the screen, yet even as he steals drugs from his family he maintains his Tiger Beat cover boy sexuality, irresistible to Milla and for anyone older, the kind of kid you want to simultaneously hug and whack upside the head with rolled-up newspaper. He’s sweet, he’s an idiot, he’s a puppy who constantly shits on the carpet.

When Game Of Thrones was trying to wrap up, it seemed we had many conversations about the difference between gardeners and architects. That is, storytellers who start with a plot outline (architects) vs. those who start with a few characters and try to imagine what they’d do and sort of let the story grow from there (gardeners). I can’t say I know anything about Kalnejais and Murphy’s process, and there certainly are plot events that stand out as turning points in retrospect, but it’s the ultimate credit to their abilities that Babyteeth certainly seems to define a gardening project. Not a moment in it feels contrived or out of place, even as it’s consistently surprising.

Other players in this drama include: Henry and Anna’s pregnant trashy neighbor (on whom Henry may have a crush), Moses’s long-suffering family, and Milla’s passionate Russian music teacher (who may have history with Anna). In the midst of a swirling tragedy they eventually come to a unique homeostasis, where everyone’s individual instabilities somehow complement one another perfectly enough to create a stable whole. It represents the ultimate dream of family. The tragedy is how fleeting it all is in the end.

Yes, Babyteeth is the kind of movie that will rip your heart out. But it will be a good cry. You’ll be glad you took the ride.

‘Babyteeth’ is currently available on VOD. Vince Mancini is on Twitter. You can access his archive of reviews here.

With only five days left on its shoot, The Card Counter was forced to shut down production due to the global pandemic. The gambling thriller is set to be writer/director Paul Schrader‘s follow-up to the critically acclaimed First Reformed, and according to Deadline, the film will finally get a chance to wrap in July after being cleared local authorities in Mississippi and the Screen Actors Guild.

HanWay Films has also provided a first look at Oscar Isaac as lead character William Tell, a gambler and combat veteran who’s out for revenge.

Given Schrader’s penchant for controversial remarks, The Card Counter made headlines back in March when its production was abruptly shut down not just out of caution, but because an actor who flew in for a scene tested positive for COVID-19. Considering the film was so close to wrap, it’s understandable that Schrader would be frustrated, but he went on a Facebook rant that took things a little too far.

“Production halted five days before wrap by my pussified producers because an LA day player had the coronavirus,” Schrader posted. “Myself, I would have shot through hellfire rain to complete the film. I’m old and asthmatic, what better way to die than on the job?”

Here’s the official synopsis:

Issac plays William Tell, a gambler and former serviceman who sets out to reform a young man seeking revenge on a mutual enemy from their past.

Tell just wants to play cards. His spartan existence on the casino trail is shattered when he is approached by Cirk (Tye Sheridan), a vulnerable young man seeking help to execute his plan for revenge on a military colonel. Tell sees a chance for redemption through his relationship with Cirk. Gaining backing from mysterious gambling financier La Linda (Tiffany Haddish), Tell takes Cirk with him on the road, going from casino to casino until the unlikely trio set their sights on winning the World Series of poker in Las Vegas. But keeping Cirk on the straight-and-narrow proves impossible, dragging Tell back into the darkness of his past.

The Card Counter has no official release date at the time of publishing.

(Via HanWay Films, Deadline)

Cardi B continues to be a target of off-color criticisms from the peanut gallery, but she still refuses to take any of their insults. The latest questionable critique compared Cardi to the Aunt Jemima brand mascot after Quaker Oats, the brand’s parent company announced it would discontinue Aunt Jemima due to its offensive roots. As usual, Cardi clapped back, wondering why so many conservative commenters try to bring her down with disingenuous juxtapositions.

In this case, the anonymous detractor posed the question, “Aunt Jemima is degrading to Black women but Cardi B isn’t?” In response, Cardi came back with a question of her own: “Why you conservative Republicans always use my name to get viral tweets?” she wondered. “‘Cause how me & Aunt Jemima correlate? Aunt Jemima is degrading because it’s a symbol that implies black women are only good to be massa servant or cookin’ nanny — THATS WHY!” Cardi deleted the tweet, but her point was clear: “Don’t come for me.”

Cardi, of course, has a point. Most of the criticisms that get leveraged against her are rooted in racism, misogyny, or both. Comparing Cardi to Aunt Jemima is reductive, ignoring all the aspects of her personality by suggesting she herself is a caricature of the worst stereotypes of Black people — stereotypes born not out of any inherent morality, but out of white supremacist thinking. By attacking her for embracing her sexuality, many of her critics reinforce the sexist idea that women should adhere to a restrictive presentation for men’s approval.

Still, Cardi seems to hold her own. From threatening to “dog walk” Tomi Lahren to forcing an apology out of KTLA anchor Doug Kolk, Cardi often turns the tables on her detractors, forcing them to confront the meanings behind their attacks.

Cardi B is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

The Killers’ upcoming album Imploding The Mirage was originally slated for a release this spring but has since been put on hold during the pandemic. Even still, the group continues to share previews of the record, the latest being the driving single “My Own Soul’s Warning.” On Wednesday, The Killers joined iHeartRadio for a livestream fundraiser where they pulled from their upcoming release as well as their back catalog. The band also paid homage to Jimmy Buffett with a meaningful cover of his song “A Pirate Looks At 40.”

The Killers’ iHeartRadio livestream raised funds for NAACP and marked the first time since the pandemic that the group has joined together in full to perform music. During the set, the band played their poignant track “Land Of The Free,” with added lyrics dedicated to George Floyd as well as their breezy Imploding The Mirage single “Caution.” Halfway through their performance, The Killers pivoted away from their own music and instead elected to highlight Buffett’s 1975 track.

Introducing the cover, The Killers’ vocalist Brandon Flowers commended Buffett for his songwriting expertise: “I grew up, I think like a lot of people, knowing about ‘Margaritaville’ and maybe ‘Cheeseburger In Paradise’ and both, actually, fantastically written songs. But when you really go a little deeper into the catalog, there is a whole treasure trove by Jimmy Buffett. He’s a master class songwriter, actually, and I’m learning from him.”

Watch The Killers cover “A Pirate Looks At 40” above, at around the 9-minute mark.

Previously on the Best and Worst of NXT: El Hijo del Fantasma unmasked as SANTOS ESCOBAR, a cool WWE circa 2011-sounding name that could’ve just as easily been “El Chapo Gonzalez.” Also, NXT’s spookiest freshman theater standouts gave Adam Cole a big hourglass to show him his time is almost up.

If you’d like to read previous installments of the Best and Worst of NXT, you can do that here. Follow With Spandex on Twitter and Facebook. You can also follow me on Twitter, where everything and everyone is terrible.

And now, the Best and Worst of WWE NXT for June 17, 2020.

Best: THE ROAR OF THE CROWD STOMP YOUR FEET TO THE GROUND GIVE IT ALL TO ME NOW CAUSE YOU CALLED TO ME CALLED TO ME

As someone who’s been writing about NXT since Bayley and Sasha Banks were transitioning from jobbers to full-fledged characters, I’m thrilled I got to watch the Women’s Tag Team Champions make good on their promise from 16 months ago and defend the belts on NXT. It brings a peaceful quiet to my brain to see them looking like themselves again, wrestling like themselves again, and connecting modern, main roster continuity to my favorite era; a time when women’s wrestling was turning a corner from disrespected to in-demand and CFO$ roamed the Earth. Like a lot of things that’ve happened since quarantine, I only wish there could’ve been a real Full Sail crowd there to react and watch them perform. It’s like finding out your favorite band is playing a show down the street but it’s happening in some dude’s living room. At the very least they could’ve gone the “unique camera angles and enhanced audio” route and given us a CGI crying Izzy.

If you haven’t been following Raw and Smackdown, you lucky dog, the Women’s Tag Team Championship is suddenly in the spotlight again after a shaky first year that even saw Bayley and Sasha’s inaugural run peter out and devolve into smark conjecture. Their opponents for NXT are Tegan Nox and Shotzi Blackheart, which is great because Nox feels and wrestles like Bayley if she had Sasha’s confidence, and Blackheart is like Banks if she had classic Bayley’s reckless enthusiasm. They aren’t direct analogues or anything, but they’re close enough that they mesh together in the ring like the current characters are wrestling the younger versions of themselves.

The champions retain, of course, using their vennern know-how. Bayley uses her and her partner’s lifetime membership in the Eddie Guerrero match of the month club to introduce a steel chair only for it to be a distraction that allows her to reverse a submission in her team’s favor. It’s a fun main event that feels important and consequential whether it really can be or not right now, and I wish there were regular stop-ins for successful NXT alumni to remind the audience they can still go and that Vince McMahon’s tunnel vision perspective on what wrestling should look like isn’t and can’t be the only option. The only major complaint is that Sasha never interacted with Shotzi Blackheart’s tank and robbed me of a really fantastic “Sasha Tanks” joke. Can Shotzi at least call her submission finish the Tank Statement?

After the match, a babyface-again-somehow Io Shirai shows up to take them to Suplex City and make me think Exclamation Point Exclamation Point Exclamation Point at the prospect of Shirai vs. Banks one-on-one, Shirai vs. Bayley one-on-one, or, in a perfect world, an NXT vacation away from Nia Jax for Kairi Sane and a title opportunity for the Sky Pirates. If the BroSerweights didn’t exist, the Sky Pirates would be the ultimate why didn’t we get more of this NXT tag team.

As a brief aside, I wrote a big thing here about how easy it’d be to turn Bayley face by having her start spending time in NXT again and finding herself, sort of like the pro wrestling equivalent of Only Yesterday, but after making that Crying Izzy joke, I think you need to keep her condescending and casually cruel, in and out of NXT, for however long it takes Izzy to grow up and finish training. Imagine years of Champ Karen only for her to be confronted by the physical and emotional manifestation of the spirit she’d worked so hard to bury and move beyond? Remember, Bayley isn’t Evil Bayley because she had some big personality change, Bayley’s Evil Bayley because she desperately wants to fit in, and Sasha’s the only person who acts like her friend but also comes from that old peer group from which Bayley never got love. I bet if Charlotte Flair or Becky Lynch had started acting like her best friend she would’ve mirrored them, too.

Best: Head Under WALTER

Speaking of Charlotte Flair, please enjoy Breezango mocking Imperium by becoming “Emporium” and entering to the Charlotte Flair version of ‘IV. Allegro con fuoco.’ Can you believe Tyler Breeze has still never held a championship in NXT or WWE? All Fandango’s ever won is a season of game show NXT. Ridiculous.

Breezango once again does Pretty Well against the Tag Team Champions, but aren’t able to win the big one. They end up distracted by the random appearance of Malcolm Bivens and Indus Sher, looking like Mr. Rogers got put in charge of The Twins from The Matrix Reloaded, and a run-in day-saving from Oney Lorcan and Danny Burch. All Elite’s tag division is redonkulous right now, so it makes sense the promotion that brought tag team wrestling back into the zeitgeist would want to show how good it’s division still can be, even if they’ve been handicapped by quarantine and travel bans*.

The tag teams cause a kerfuffle and Dirty Curty forgets which of the champs is legal. He picks the wrong one and gets DDT’d by the other. Like the old saying goes, you live by the putting your opponent’s head in your armpit and falling backwards, you die by the putting your opponent’s head in your armpit and falling backwards. One day I hope Breeze and Fandango are able to pull off an upset and become champs, even if it’s only for a week and just an excuse to get the title from one heel team to another. Be nice to my boys!

*It is so weird to hear WALTER’s music and know there’s still no chance of WALTER showing up. It’s like hearing the ice cream truck and running outside with your money in your hand only to watch it cruise past you and disappear down the street.

Best: Priests Vs. Southerners

A match made in Heaven … a match made in telling you you’re going to Hell!

After getting a strong victory over hoss division also-ran Killian Dain and wrestling like a total babyface, Damian Priest changes out of his ladies’ patchwork mesh wrestling pants and into his skinny jeans with the 35 wallet chains in time to wander out into the parking lot and discover his tires have been slashed by arrogant hillbilly Cameron Grimes. Grimes has gone full Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel now, literally hooting and hollering his way through even normal lines of dialogue. Dude might as well be dressed like an old-timey prospector. The next person who feuds with him should be trying to steal his gold.

Just wanted to quickly say how much I’m digging Priest’s work lately, and how Cameron Grimes’ character growth from “man who wears hat” to “chaotic neutral good old boy who is too loudly southern to get along with anybody and might just be a really intelligent chimpanzee” is Dr. Britt Baker levels of ambitious, but welcomed.

Worst For The Promo Parade, Best For The Matches It Creates

I’m so tired of promo parade booking at this point that I can’t get invested in it even when it’s full of characters I like, setting up matches I want to see.

On this week’s show, NXT Champion Adam Cole (baby) is in a couple of backstage segments and then awkwardly transitions that into the ring so people can start interrupting him with promos of their own. First it’s Keith Lee, who has been randomly confronting Cole backstage over the past couple of weeks and probably knows Cole’s calling him out over the NXT North American Championship to avoid the NXT Championship itself being the thing they beef over. Before that can go anywhere, Johnny Heel Turn interrupts looking like a Portal turret and says HE is the one who should be getting random additional title matches. Keith launches into a terrible bit about how Candice LeRae told him being fallen on and injured by a 320-pound man during a wrestling match is better than sex with her husband, but thankfully Finn Bálor interrupts to save the segment and try out some of the new wrestling jargon he learned on Wikipedia.

William Regal interrupts everyone — that’s four interruptions in this one segment, if you’re keeping score — to announce WAR GAMES that next week Lee will defend his North American Championship in a triple threat against Bálor and Gargano, with the winner moving on to a “winner take all” champion vs. champion match shortly thereafter. Important matches with high stakes, featuring key character who have a lot to lose? Count me the fuck in. I’m begging you, though; give us consequences. No goofy count-outs or draws or stolen pins this time. Just set up the pins and knock them down. NXT used to be brilliant at this, and I think they still can be with a little prompting. It’ll be worth it the next time you want people to get hype about a match you announced and believe it’s going to give them some kind of lasting emotional experience.

Best: Latter Day Santos

NXT has finally showed us what those in the know have known for years: El Hijo del Fantasma, by any name, is one of the best wrestlers on the planet. The guy can wrestle his ass off, he’s got the best dive in the business by (and for) a mile, he can play characters, he can cut promos in Spanish, he can speak perfect English — better English than most native English speakers, if we’re being honest — and he’s tough enough to, for example, put Drake Maverick through a table with a Phantom Driver and send him directly to the Local Medical Facility. Santos is the jam, has already been one of the best and most underutilized guys in any promotion he’s ever been in, and will be a huge star, especially after Vince McMahon realizes he’ll be able to deliver urine lobs and poop jokes without getting “what” chants.

P.S. if he’s the son of El Fantasma, changed his name to “Santos,” and has two henchmen, please call his group Junior Dos Santos.

P.P.S. Phantom Driver is a great name for a finisher and my favorite Victor Sjöström film.

Worst: Crud From A Stone

Here’s the latest match in the Xia Li vs. Aliyah feud that will still be happening when the rest of us are dead and gone. Xia Li and Aliyah are the most low stakes John Cena and Randy Orton ever. This one ends when Robert Stone (brand) gets on the apron but is too drunk and/or depressed to help, so he just vomits into the ring Scott Hall-style. Xia is understandably distracted, and Aliyah manages to roll her up and pin her after two attempts, because Aliyah still can’t properly roll someone up reliably on the first try. I’m not sure if Robbie E pretending to be Aron Stevens instead of Zack Ryder is going to turn that from a Worst to a Best.

Note: Between Kayla Braxton getting slimed and Bob Stone throwing up everywhere, I’m fairly certain Bruce Prichard is out as WWE’s creative lead and has been replaced by Moose from You Can’t Do That On Television. Robert Stone threw up in the ring? WHATTA YA THINK’S IN THE BURGERS?

Also On This Episode

Velveteen Dream, seen here looking like the All That logo, insists he’s a solo act who was just repaying a favor to Dexter Lumis. Dexter Lumis confirms that they are best friends forever by locating Dream’s magical couch room, planting a boardwalk caricature of the two of them, and sneaking away before Dream and find him and, presumably, turn him purple or vanish him with a snap. I don’t know how Dream’s pocket universe works. I’m still too invested in the friendship between and a wrestler given supernatural powers by a magic mirror containing the soul of a Prince impersonator and a serial killer who just wants to have friends and draw cartoons.

Mercedes Martinez is “coming soon” despite already being here, and she’s the only one allowed to wear a mask at the tapings!

Pitch: The NXT Women’s Championship division’s still crowded even after some ill-advised call-ups — does Bianca Belair still “go” to Raw at all? — so you should team up Mercedes Martinez with Kacy Catanzaro and call them “Mercedes Bends.” Shut up, I’m tired.

Timothy Thatcher has gone full Stu Hart, calmly explaining submission holds in a thick regional accent while mercilessly stretching his poor students. I just wish they’d filmed this in someone’s dirty basement. I’d like this more if WALTER hadn’t already done the same segments but better on NXT UK last year. Just put Thatch in Imperium already.

Kayden Carter takes a break from attending every single show taped at the Performance Center and standing in place for several hours to get in the ring and lose to Dakota Kai. Kai unlocked bonus stat buffs now that Raquel Gonzalez is dressing like a member of Harlem Heat. Dakota Kai wants the gold, sucka!

Bronson Reed literally and figuratively squashes PC Christ figure Leon Ruff and then issues a challenge to Karrion Kross. This is a good idea, especially coming right after he found out Keith Lee broke the big fancy hourglass he gave to Adam Cole as an intimidating gift. That came out of the school’s fall play budget, Keith, you’re gonna have to pay for that! Bronson vs. Karron is a good match to book to show that Karrion can wreck big opponents just as easily as small ones, which is essential if you’re planning to run him into double champ Keith Lee at some point. Part of me hopes Reed ends up following Kross around as a subordinate, if only for the amount of “thicc tock” jokes I could make.

Finally, The Undisputed Era send Roderick Strong to Undisputed Therapy to deal with the trauma of being thrown into the trunk of a car and briefly kidnapped by Dexter Lumis. Above is a photo of his therapist, Dr. Lyle Von Fürstenberg, who is (obviously) just Kyle O’Reilly in a costume. I don’t know what’s more interesting, Roddy having PTSD and sprinting away from the back of every car in terror, or Adam Cole and Bobby Fish seeing their friend in pain and thinking, “let’s dress up Kyle like a therapist and fuck with him.” They should’ve taken him to see Dr. Rachel Bonnetta from Backstage.

Quick question, why is Dr. Lyle just Sami Zayn with Bob Belcher’s voice? Who cares, he’s a Canadian national treasure.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week

Birdman

How did Tozawa not recruit Kacy for his new Ninja Warrior stable?

Zelina Vega watching this Santos promo right now

Endy_Mion (ed. note: yes, I put this right after Sailor Moon on purpose)

Poor Robert and his brand. They really should have shipped him up with Riddle as his manager. Called the label “Bromancing the Stoned”

notJames

Mauro: “The THICC BOY made mince meat out of Cheezburger!”
Beth: “Um, that’s not…”
Tom: “…NXT rolls on!”

The Voice of Raisin

Dakota: I choooose…Raquel Gonzalez!
Tegan: Tsk…I choose Kacy Catanzaro
Dakota: Oh oh! Mr. Boggs, would you like to be on our team?
Wade Boggs: You got yourself a stablemate.
Tegan: Ugh…I’ll take Kayden.

AddMayne

Breezango: This Ain’t Imperium! XXX

Caz

hooray it’s IO SHOWS UP AND MURDERS EVERYBODY, the idea I pitch in all my work Zoom meetings but nobody ever agrees to

Dave M J

Sasha Banks is fantastic, obviously, but my favorite thing about her is the fact that she will die to anybody’s offense to make them look like a threat.

troi

I refuse to believe Undisputed Era would take Roddy to a real therapist and not a stripper wearing glasses.

LUNI_TUNZ

I wish there was someway Shotzi could be in the crowd while Shotzi was in the ring wrestling.

That’s it for this week’s Best and Worst of NXT. We’re not sure you ever actually read this part or do what we ask (or if you even scroll down through the top 10 comments of the week), but hey, it would really help us if you commented down below and shared the column if you liked or laughed at anything. The world’s tough, and that makes this kind of thing a lot easier.

Join us here next week for Damian Priest doing 1999 movie karate against the Lynyrd Skynyrd band member who slashed his tires, Bronson Reed getting sent to the crossroads by Karrion Kross, and a triple threat match for the North American Championship with WINNER TAKE ALL ramifications. GO KEITH GO! See you then!