Whenever I think of Linda Cardellini, I think of a quote from Community. To be fair, I am often thinking of Linda Cardellini and Community quotes, so it was inevitable that they would cross paths. Anyway, it’s from the season three episode “Regional Holiday Music” when Britta makes an unexpected appearance as the Mouse King (not a mute tree) in Greendale’s Christmas pageant. Upon seeing Britta, Dean Pelton looks down at his playbill, and with a disgusted tone in his voice, asks, “Oh, Britta’s in this?” That’s me with Linda Cardellini, except with a joyful, more thrilled spin. “Oh! Linda Cardellini’s in this!”

I am never not excited to see Cardellini in a television show or movie, and it’s often a surprise. The actress is not, to use a recent example, the reason I watched Capone (Tom Hardy was), but she’s the one who gives the most humane performance in the otherwise-mediocre film. Cardellini exists somewhere between an A-list lead and a steady character actor (she’s not Cate Blanchett, but she’s not Stephen Root, either), and she’s almost always the best thing in every project she’s in, for over 20 years. Let’s take a look at some of Linda Cardellini’s more notable roles, dating back to my favorite movie named after a fictional burger chain based on a Nickelodeon sketch series.

Good Burger

For years, I assumed Freaks and Geeks was the first thing I saw Linda Cardellini in. Nope! Before one of the greatest shows ever premiered, she appeared on 3rd Rock from the Sun, ABC’s Goosebumps-lite Bone Chillers, Boy Meets World (as a “mountain girl that has an interest in Cory” — girl, you could do better), and had small roles in Dead Man on Campus, the direct-to-video comedy The Prince and the Surfer (watching this ASAP), and my Cardellini introduction, the All That spin-off movie Good Burger. She plays a psychiatric center patient who develops a crush on Ed after telling him, “I’m a psychopath.” It’s, uh, not the most tasteful role (her character is described as an “insane girl” on Wikipedia), but to her credit, Cardellini goes all-in on playing Nickelodeon’s idea of “crazy.” If only she got to show off her dance moves like she would in another movie I’ll get to. She would later appear in an episode of Kenan & Kel as a different character, which mucks up the otherwise-narratively solid Kenan & Kel universe.

Freaks and Geeks

Freaks and Geeks might be, objectively speaking, the most perfect show ever? It’s funny, it’s sad, it’s painfully and wonderfully relatable, and because NBC canceled it after 12 episodes (with six more that eventually aired on Fox Family Channel), there’s no it-was-on-for-too-long dip in quality. Freaks and Geeks also launched the careers of many actors who are still working today, including Seth Rogen, James Franco, Jason Segel, Busy Philipps, Lizzy Caplan, John Frances Daley, Samm Levine, and Cardellini, who played Lindsay Weir, one of the more complicated teenage characters ever depicted on TV. She’s not a freak, but she’s not a geek, either. Maybe she’s a Deadhead? We’ll never know. Lindsay is searching for her identity, like every high school student ever.

Legally Blonde

Cardellini rarely plays villains — she’s too darn likable — but that makes her an excellent unassuming foil in Legally Blonde. And speaking of foil: think of all the tin foil that no-good murderer Chutney Windham required for her perm. Look, I’m not crazy enough to claim that Linda Cardellini gives the best performance in Legally Blonde (Reese Witherspoon does, obviously), but I will say that Chutney Windham is a much better name than Elle Woods. It’s easily the best character name in her filmography, with Wendy Corduroy from Gravity Falls in second place. Cordelia Starling is good, too.

Scooby-Doo and Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed

I was about 10 minutes into the direct-to-streaming Scoob! before I said to no one, “Man, at least the live-action movies had Linda Cardellini.” The She’s All That-ing of Velma in Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed isn’t great (who knew there was an attractive person beneath those hideous glasses!), but I stand by my assertion that Velma, Shaggy, and Scooby are the only essential members of Mystery, Inc. Shaggy and Scooby, because they’re always leaning on a bookcase that exposes the villain’s lair, or whatever; Velma, because she’s not blandly hunky dead-weight like Fred or a karate fanatic (???) like Daphne. No offense to Sarah Michelle Gellar, but seriously, what is Daphne’s defining characteristic? Velma is the effortlessly charming Smart One, and Cardellini is a natural at playing that character archetype.

ER

Samantha Taggart is one of the better post-original cast additions to ER, even if she occasionally felt like a lesser Abby Lockhart (I could also write 1,500 words on Maura Tierney, and might!). So, it’s a shame that she ended up with John Stamos’ Tony Gates, who the Atlantic accurately refers to as the “final, and weakest, attempt the show ever made to introduce a Really Handsome Dude.” That being said, watch ER. It’s good!

Brokeback Mountain

I’m not saying being in a poorly edited YouTube video of Brokeback Mountain scenes set to “Unusual You” by Britney Spears is Cardellini’s greatest career accomplishment, but it’s top five, right? The Brokeback cast was stacked. Outside of Heath Ledger, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Michelle Williams, who were all nominated for Oscars, there’s also Cardellini, Anne Hathaway, Anna Faris, Kate Mara, David Harbour, and Randy Quaid.

Especially Randy Quaid.

Grandma’s Boy

For my recent Happy Madison ranking, I slotted Grandma’s Boy at #10, not because of the jokes that haven’t aged well, or Nick Swardson, or Oscar nominee Jonah Hill nuzzling between a stripper’s breasts, but for the scene where Linda Cardellini dances to “Push It” by Salt-N-Pepa at a party. It’s my favorite kind of performance: the one that’s too good for the terrible movie it’s in (it’s called pulling a Philip Seymour Hoffman).

Regular Show / Gravity Falls / Sanjay and Craig

Or, the reasons your kids know what Linda Cardellini sounds like.

Mad Men

You know who Linda Cardellini reminds me of sometimes? Alison Brie. They’re both equally adept at comedy and drama and in more of your favorite things than you realize, including Mad Men, where Brie plays Pete’s wife Trudy and Cardellini portrays Sylvia Rosen, the neighbor of one Don Draper… who she’s sleeping with, even though she’s married to Dr. Rosen. On one hand, I get it: he’s Jon Hamm, she’s Linda Cardellini — makes sense! On the other, they both know what they’re doing is wrong, and they get their comeuppance when Sally, that well-adjusted child, catches them in the act. Trudy would never (but re-make Thelma and Louise but with Alison Brie and Linda Cardellini).

New Girl

New Girl was about the wrong Day sister. I am 100 percent certain of this.

Green Book

One of my quarantine projects is watching every Best Picture winner, and I am dreading the day that I get to Green Book. So, instead of talking about one of the Academy’s more regrettable choices for the Oscars’ biggest prize, let’s remember that Linda Cardellini, who plays Tony Lip’s wife, was also in the music video for Outkast’s contribution to the Scooby Doo soundtrack, “Land of a Million Drums.” It’s archival footage, but still counts! Also, she won a gas fireplace on The Price Is Right. Outkast music video star and The Price Is Right contestant? An icon.

A Simple Favor

I agree.

The Curse of La Llorona

With the exception of The Nun, The Curse of La Llorona might be the most forgettable movie in The Conjuring Universe, but that’s not Cardellini’s fault. She has the thankless role of playing a mom who has to protect her kids from an evil spirit… you know how it works, you’ve seen a horror movie before. But Cardellini has solid chemistry with her child co-stars, no easy task, and it’s tempting to picture her in a horror movie that relies less on cheap jump scares and more on actual horror. All I’m saying is, The Babadook 2 starring Linda Cardellini. Make it happen.

Avengers: Age of Ultron / Avengers: Endgame

Get that Marvel money, Linda Cardellini. Get that Marvel money.

Bloodline / Dead to Me

If I was hunting for a “unified theory” of Netflix superstar Linda Cardellini, I’d say this: I recently watched It Happened One Night, and there’s a scene where a bus driver drives the bus off the road, causing a mother to faint and her young son to begin weeping. Clark Gable’s character Peter rushes into action, first checking on the passed-out woman, then the crying kid, then the bus driver to find out what happened. He’s in complete control of the situation. That’s how I feel watching Linda Cardellini. Even if the movie itself stinks, a metaphorical bus crash, you’ll still be able to walk out of the theater saying, “Well… at least Lindsay from Freaks and Geeks was really good in it.” And if she’s in something great, she’s probably one of the main reasons why it was great.

Trust is an important component in the relationship between actors and viewers: we trust Tom Cruise will save the day in Mission: Impossible, but would you feel the same way about Jeremy Renner as the new Ethan Hunt? I think I speak for everyone when I say: lol. I trust Linda Cardellini, because for over 20 years, she hasn’t let me down.

I guess my biggest complaint about Betty is that it is torture. Not the show itself, or the plot, or the characters, or the acting. Those are all great. It’s the summer of it all that is killing me. Everyone is outside and hanging in groups and eating ice cream and popsicles and doing cool summer stuff that is not going to be an option for most of us this summer due to a virus whose name starts with six letters that also spell out the name of a decent beer to drink in the summer with a hunk of lime wedged into the bottle. That part is torture. Everything else is good, though. It’s a very cool show.

In fact, I don’t think there’s a cooler show on television. HBO handed a six-episode series to Crystal Moselle — director of the 2018 film Skate Kitchen, which shares a big chunk of story and cast with the show — and she in turn created a show that’s not entirely like anything else on television right now, or in recent memory. It’s breezy and fun and serious and… it’s just very cool. And a blast to watch. And features one of my favorite television characters of the year. But we’ll come back to that.

Some facts: Betty follows a group of teenage female skateboarders in New York as they, to quote various press materials, “navigate the male-dominated world of New York skateboarding.” And it is about that. Kind of. There are lots of cutaways to skateboard tricks and most of the action takes place in skate parks or on the way to or from a skate park. It’s mostly about friendship and growing up, though. There are large chunks of the show that just feature the characters talking about whatever they want, in a way that does nothing to advance any specific plot but builds out the show’s world to make it feel lived-in and real. Sometimes life is about stuff happening. Most of the time life is what you do between stuff happening. Betty gets that and makes it compelling. It’s a cool trick.

That’s not to say nothing happens on the show. Plenty of stuff happens, and is still happening. One of the characters, Janay (Dede Lovelace), is dealing with a male friend who was accused of unwanted sexual advances at a party. Another, Honeybear (Moonbear), has very conservative parents who don’t get just about any of her skater/artist deal. Another, Camille (Rachelle Vinberg), is new to the group and super-talented and stuck between the male skaters she admires and the females who support her. Another, Indigo (Ajani Russell), is a child of massive privilege who prefers to hang with the skaters and sell weed pens for a goofball drug dealer named Farouk who calls everyone — male, female, presumably dogs and cats — “buddy.” Everyone has something going on, but it’s rarely been the heavy focus of any episode. It’s just who they are, and they bring it with them wherever they go.

This brings us to Kirt, played by Nina Moran. Kirt is the best. She’s a stoner in baggy shorts and a backward hat who carries herself with the same energy as The Dude from The Big Lebowski if The Dude were a queer teen New York skateboarder. Most of the time. Sometimes she heaves a skateboard through a window in a misplaced attempt to support her friends. Sometimes she’ll break off a hookup right in the middle to go look for a popsicle. She calls everyone “bro” or “dude” regardless of gender or age and, yes, I would watch an entire episode where she and Farouk go on a road trip — Farouk drives a clunker van, although I feel like you probably knew that already, just by filling in the blanks — where they get lost and have entire hour-long conversations consisting of only the words “dude” and “buddy.”

Here’s the wildest part, or at least the wildest part for people who don’t know the story behind Skate Kitchen: none of the show’s core five skaters are actors. They weren’t actors, at least, not until all this got going. They were legit skateboard kids who Moselle ran into on a train and became fascinated by. It probably contributes a great deal to the very natural feel of the show. A lot of times, shows about teenagers suffer from a Theater Kid vibe that is always lurking a few inches below the surface. There’s too much polish, too much training for anything to feel fully authentic. This is not meant to imply that Betty is amateur hour. Lovelace especially has a serious arc to carry and is doing it well. There’s something to be said for pointing a camera at people with natural charisma and letting them do their thing. Betty is more professional than that, but not much. I mean this in a very good way, I swear. It’s loose and relaxed to a degree that matches its tone perfectly. Like I said earlier: unlike any other show on television.

The result of it all has been a fun late-spring watch, in large part because, again, it’s just very cool. The characters are cool, the stuff they’re doing is cool, the real-like skaters playing them are cooler than you’ll ever be. Hell, even the time slot is cool: Friday at 11 p.m., like it has no interest in shoving itself in your face, like it’s perfectly happy to sit back and let you find it if you happen to be in the right place at the right time.

It’s one of my favorite things about television in 2020, stumbling into a show like this that catches you off-guard. I had no reason to expect the show to be bad, but it is a little surprising — and more than a little fun — that I, a dude in his 30s who grew up in the suburbs and never mounted a skateboard, is now this invested in a show about female skateboard teens in the big city. There’s a lot of stuff out there that can open your world up a little if you seek it out. That’s cool. Television is cool. Betty is really, really cool.

I could use fewer shots of people eating ice cream together on a sidewalk, though. That’s still torture, only because it might be the closest any of us actually gets to having a summer this year. But it’s, like, good torture. If you work for HBO and need a pull quote for the show to put in commercials or on a billboard, there you go. Here to help.

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Last Updated: May 28th

“Thriller” is kind of a catch-all term for movies that bleed into multiple genres. It can describe films rich with drama, action, crime, and quite possibly horror. That’s why its Netflix category is such a hodgepodge of entries, varying in tone, subject matter, and quality. A good thriller, though, is going to be suspenseful for any number of reasons. An unstoppable killer. An unsolvable mystery. A gripping world that draws viewers into it. A sympathetic character fighting for survival. Something that can keep an audience on the edge of its seats. And based on that, here are the 15 best thrillers on Netflix right now.

Related: The Best Horror Movies On Netflix Right Now

15. The Platform (2019)

Run Time: 94 min | IMDb: 7/10

This Spanish-language sci-fi flick is all kinds of f*cked up, but in the best way. The film is set in a large, tower-style “Vertical Self-Management Center” where the residents, who are periodically switched at random between floors, are fed by a platform, initially filled with food, that gradually descends through the levels. Conflicts arise when inmates at the top begin eating all the food, leaving the people lower down to fight for survival.

14. Under The Skin (2007)

Run Time: 108 min | IMDb: 6.3/10

Scarlett Johansson stars in this sci-fi thriller about an other-worldly woman with a dark agenda. The film sees Johansson using her sex appeal to lure unsuspecting men to their watery doom while beginning to contemplate her own existence with every new partner she seduces. It’s a subtle reverse of rape culture, with themes of race and immigration mixed in, but if all of that goes over your head, you’ll at least enjoy seeing Johansson off a bunch of frat bros and rapists.

13. Enemy (2019)

Run Time: 91 min | IMDb: 6.9/10

Jake Gyllenhaal stars in this complete mindf*ck from director Denis Villeneuve about a man who goes in search in his doppelganger after spotting him in a movie and uncovering sinister secrets about himself in the process. Gyllenhaal plays both Adam, a quiet professor, and Anthony, an outspoken actor, who eventually meet and disrupt each other’s lives, but whether both men exist or whether they’re just figments of the same man’s consciousness is up to you to figure out.

12. It Comes At Night (2017)

Run Time: 86 min | IMDb: 7.4/10

Writer/director Trey Edward Shults followed up his unnerving family portrait in 2015’s Krisha with a look at another family under the most desperate of circumstances. After an unknown illness has wiped out most of civilization, a number of threats — both seen and unseen — come for a family held up in their home out in the wilderness. It’s a subtle, dream-like tale that stars Joel Edgerton and Christopher Abbot as two patriarchs intent on keeping their families safe, no matter the cost.

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11. The Interview (1998)

Run Time: 104 min | IMDb: 7.3/10

What starts out like a Kafka story turns into a tense match between a seemingly innocent man (Hugo Weaving) and a menacing detective with his own demons (Tony Martin). The former is snatched up and interrogated by the authorities for reasons that are slowly revealed to him, and as the hours drag by, both men become more and more desperate. Weaving knocks it out of the park, keeping the detectives and audience guessing as his true demeanor is constantly put in question. Martin is no slouch either as he does his best to expose Weaving’s character for the monster that he sees, even if it costs him his job and sanity. The writing is taut and the environment is claustrophobic, which propels the mysteries behind the two lead characters.

10. Blue Ruin (2013)

Run Time: 90 min | IMDb: 7.1/10

Macon Blair stars in this crime thriller about a man who returns to his hometown to carry out an act of vengeance and discovers he’s in over his head. Blair plays Dwight Evans, a vagabond who learns his parents’ murderer is being released from prison and returns home to kill him. He succeeds but ends up starting a blood feud with the guy’s family that doesn’t end how you expect.

9. Bird Box (2018)

Run Time: 124 min | IMDb: 6.7/10

Sandra Bullock’s apocalyptic sci-fi saga has spawned more than just a ridiculous internet challenge, it’s also renewed our love for monster-driven thrillers. Sure, we never actually see the otherworldly beings that cause people to commit suicide if they open their eyes, but the danger they pose and the fear they instill is still viscerally real. Bullock plays a mother trying to protect her two young children and survive amidst a group of strangers with their own agendas and issues. The supporting cast in this one — Trevante Rhodes, John Malkovich, Sarah Paulson, and Tom Hollander — are fantastic which distracts from some of the more questionable story choices.

8. Drive (2011)

Run Time: 100 min | IMDb: 7.8/10

A stone-faced Ryan Gosling steers us through the criminal underworld created by director Nicolas Winding Refn in this high-speed thriller. Gosling plays a near-silent stunt driver who moonlights as a getaway man. When he gets involved with his next-door neighbor and her young son, his carefully cultivated life is thrown into chaos, forcing him to align with criminals and take on risky jobs to protect the pair and keep a firm grip on the wheel.

7. Green Room (2015)

Run Time: 95 min | IMDb: 7/10

When a punk rock group accidentally witnesses the aftermath of a murder, they are forced to fight for their lives by the owner of a Nazi bar (Patrick Stewart) and his team. It’s an extremely brutal and violent story, much like the first two features from director Jeremy Saulnier (Blue Ruin and Murder Party), but this one is made even tenser by its claustrophobic cat-and-cornered-mouse nature. Once the impending danger kicks in, it doesn’t let up until the very end, driven heavily by Stewart playing against type as a harsh, unforgiving, violent character.

6. The Invitation (2016)

5. The Invisible Guest (2016)

Run Time: 106 min | IMDb: 8.1/10

This Spanish crime thriller follows a successful businessman framed for the murder of his married lover. A seemingly straightforward plot, until a car accident, a dead body, fake witnesses, and a family out for revenge is thrown into the mix. Mario Casas stars as the man in question, a young husband and father with a bright future who takes part in a terrible crime and is forced to pay for it in the most twisted of ways. You won’t figure this thing out until the end, we guarantee it.

4. The Killing Of a Sacred Deer (2017)

Run Time: 121 min | IMDb: 7/10

Filmmaker Yorgos Lanthimos has quickly earned a reputation for delivering highly-stylized dramas, filled with eccentric characters played by more-than-capable actors looking to reinvent and redefine their careers — and he doesn’t change that with this thriller that’s part horror, part mystery. Colin Farrell plays a charismatic surgeon who, along with his wife Anna (Nicole Kidman), must make a terrible sacrifice when a young boy he’s committed to helping begins displaying some sinister behavior. To say anything more would spoil some plot twists that you’ll definitely enjoy.

3. Good Time (2017)

Run Time: 101 min | IMDb: 7.3/10

This gritty crime drama hailing from the Safdie brothers transforms star Robert Pattinson into a bleach-blonde sh*t-stirrer from Queens desperate to break his developmentally disabled brother out of prison. Pattinson plays Connie, a street hustler and bank robber with grand plans to break out of his urban hood while Benny Safdie plays his brother Nick, who gets roped into his schemes. When Nick is sent to Ryker’s Island for a job gone wrong, Connie goes on a downward spiral to get him back. Pattinson’s manic energy carries this thing and there’s plenty of police run-ins, shootouts, and heists (however botched) to keep the adrenaline pumping.

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2. Burning (2018)

Run Time: 148 min | IMDb: 7.6/10

Walking Dead alum Steven Yeun stars this psychological thriller from South Korean filmmaker Lee Chang-dong. Yeun plays Ben, a rich millennial with a mysterious job who connects with a woman named Shin Hae-mi on a trip to Africa. The two journey back home together where Ben meets Shin’s friend/lover Lee Jong-su. The three hang-out regularly, with Lee growing more jealous of Ben’s wealth and privilege while he’s forced to manage his father’s farm when his dad goes to prison. But it’s when Shin disappears, and Lee suspects Ben’s involvement, that things really go off the rails.

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1. Uncut Gems (2019)

Run Time: 101 min | IMDb: 7.5/10

Now, audiences can absorb — from the comfort of their own living rooms — the full gravitational effect of Adam Sandler in the most intense performance of his career. The Sandman arguably got robbed of an Oscar nod for his turn in Josh and Benny Safdie’s electrifying crime thriller that accelerates tension to a fever pitch. He’s superb as a charismatic New York City jeweler who grows increasingly desperate while walking a tight-wire amid relentlessly threatening adversaries, and keep your eyes open for a supporting turn from the always great LaKeith Stanfield.

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Recent Changes Through May 2020:
Removed: The Talented Mr. Ripley
Added: The Killing Of a Sacred Deer

This week brought us easily this season’s best episode of Top Chef. The tone was set right off the bat when Padma Lakshmi judged a quickfire while half in the bag. “Champagne Padma,” as she was dubbed, demanded ice for her champagne, chuckled at her own asides, and complained about the help — all for an airplane food challenge judged by her and Chef Jonathan Waxman. Waxman is a goofball ex-bassist from Sonoma County who I once watched shatter his own watch while smashing garlic for a cooking demo, so it all contributed to the wild and woolly atmosphere. Food: it’s fun!

Not only was a plowed Padma a joy to watch (note to producers: always get Padma drunk), it seemed like her natural form — sauntering in gesturing wildly, snickering to herself, flirting with the help to finagle more drinks. It’s also fitting for a chef show. Honestly, when’s the last time you dropped 100 bucks or more on a meal when you weren’t at least medium buzzed? This is how the show should always be, not only for entertainment but for accuracy’s sake. Top Chef judges should have a three-drink minimum. (*frat guy voice*) C’mon, bro, do it for art!

Oh, also Kevin was back. For this season’s Last Chance Kitchen twist, Kevin not only had to beat all the previously eliminated contestants but also defeat two out of three remaining ones, in a head-to-head challenge judged by Tom. And so he did! Kevin rejoined the show and immediately told a story about how his grandfather was an airline executive so he always flies first class. Kevin is a real “plane diva,” according to Kevin, which might be the least relatable anecdote in the history of this show. Well la di da, Mr. Aristocrat, what’s it like owning a bed frame?

For the elimination challenge, the chefs were tasked with serving a dish inspired by classic dishes from Michael’s Santa Monica, “a pioneer of California Cuisine.” They brought back the chefs who invented said dishes, like Waxman, Sang Yoon, Roy Yamaguchi, and Brooke Williamson. Again, it was a great challenge that highlighted all the things people (or at least I) find appealing about the food business — that it’s kind of a pirate ship/island of misfit toys filled with slightly eccentric, slightly rebellious types; and that there’s a sense of history to it. “California Cuisine” as a food trend is boring, but as a trip down memory lane where you can see an evolution of craft and a greatest hits reel it’s fascinating. It’s like a band reunion. It’s kind of gets at why I like watching music documentaries about groups I never cared about or listened to. I don’t know, maybe that’s just a “me” thing.

Oh, and also this week had BIG DRAMA. It basically came down to competing Top Chef curses: the risotto curse vs. the dreaded duo. On top of that, it was the top-seeded chef who blew it this week vs. the lower-seed who almost went home a bunch of times but seemed to do okay this week. AND there was a deus ex machina (or at least, a waitress ex machina). We’ll discuss that below!

Finally, the show teased next week’s pre-finale in Italy, where the chefs will all be cooking for Italians, the most culinarily pedantic motherf*ckers on planet Earth. I cannot wait for that.

POWER RANKINGS

6 (-2) ((Eliminated)) Brian Malarkey

AKA: Shenanigans. Aka Grandpa Fancy. Aka Squirrely. Aka The Imp. Aka Leprechón.

One of my favorite moments this week was when Tom asked Malarkey about his dish and then immediately wished he hadn’t:

That being said, I never imagined when this season began that I’d eventually be demanding Justice For Grandpa Fancy. But this week he totally got screwed! It started in the quickfire, when Shenanigans had to cut the nice crust off his pork chop to make it adhere to the challenge’s height requirement, only to watch the judges praise Kevin’s Illegal Meatballs. Clearly, they were too high, but it was allowed, because “you can just mush them down.”

Oh, can you? Then why doesn’t he have to serve them pre-mushed? This is a miscarriage of meatball justice!

Champagne Padma is a fickle mistress. And drunk too.

It also helped me be sympathetic when Malarkey called his twins on their birthday and managed to talk about it without crying. You rarely see that in a reality show. People are always crying about their dumb wiener kids. And not because they have, like, an incurable disease or anything. Just because they’ve been away from home for three weeks and the kid did something cute on Skype. Yeah yeah, you love your kids we get it.

Later in the elimination challenge, he drew the veal loin/sweetbread dish with truffles. That’s a solid draw, I always order the sweetbreads. Fry me them glands, baby. Then he decided to make a duo, which was, yes, a completely unforced error, because the original dish wasn’t even a duo. Shenanigans claimed this was because he saw all the nice fruit at Whole Foods, but realized it doesn’t play nice with truffles. Jesus Christ, man, focus! No one said you had to use the fruit!

So he made the duo, two solid dishes, about which the worst the judges could say was that they had a lot of ingredients and didn’t go great together. Sorry, I’m with Malarkey on this one: if they don’t go great together, just eat them one at a time. No one’s forcing you to double dip, Tom. To make matters worse, half the judges didn’t even get Malarkey’s dish because the servers brought a bunch to the wrong tables. Oh no, server error! The dreaded 403!

After that, Grandpa Fancy nearly stormed off the show. He heard their critique and saw the writing on the wall, and knew they were going to boot him on a technicality to keep from having to send home Gregory, the clear presumptive favorite most of the season. This after Malarkey kind of got hosed twice in row, first by arbitrary rules, then by server error out of his control.

Shenanigans should’ve quit. He was going to go home anyway. And he could’ve done it without making a big self-righteous speech about moral rectitude like Kevin did after Restaurant Wars. I suppose there was an off chance that if he just played nice guy instead of getting pissed the judges might’ve actually had to decide whether to send home Malarkey, the underdog, over two good dishes, or Gregory, the favorite, over one mediocre one. He may have given them an out. Though that’s also kind of like when you get fired and tell off your boss on the way out and then they’re like “see, this is why we fired you.”

Not that that’s ever happened to me or anything…

Anyway, we’ll be pouring out some Adderall for Shenanigans. Dress code for the funeral is bright colors, bare ankles, and extensive bangles.

5. (even) Stephanie Cmar

AKA: C-Monster. Aka Underdog. Aka C-Truffle.

I’m proud of nicknaming C-Monster “Underdog” early on, because here she is, going on to the finale in Italy. As the only chef who’d never been to Italy before, you have to be rooting for her a little. Not to mention, she also coined “Champagne Padma,” which was some spot-on, downright Fati-esque commentary. You trying to take my job, C-Monster? Trust me, girl, you don’t want this life.

This week C-Monster made asparagus agnolotti with scallops, and… well, what can you say, it looked really good. She only narrowly didn’t get the win and now she’s-a going to-a Italy. Right during Corona season. Shit, has anyone checked on these chefs since they filmed the show?

4. (N/A) Kevin Gillespie

AKA: Hops. Aka Oops All Kevins. Aka Thicc Kev. Aka Foghorn Kevhorn.

Kev had to beat two out of three remaining contestants to get back on the show, and for his first two picks he chose to take on Malarkey (smart) and Voltaggio (less smart?). He split those contests (defeating Malarkey and losing to Voltaggio), and then asked for volunteers for the third. None other than Gregory stepped up, and Kev, fool that he is, chose Gregory.

At this point, I admit, I was shouting at the TV. “You idiot! Can it with the nice guy act, don’t you want to get back in this?” I thought he was screwed.

But Thicc Kev did it. He beat Gregory and got back in the show. Then he immediately dropped his anecdote about being a plane diva who only flies first class. Dang, first plantation food and now he reveals that he’s the scion of airline royalty? Well ah do declayah, it looks like it looks we got owahselves a fine southuhn gentleman before us. Get Foghorn Kevhorn here a ribbon tie, a long pipe, and a grand porch.

For the Michael’s challenge, Kev served up a wild rice croquette with duck confit that had all the judges crooning over his juicy balls. “These are the balls that keep on giving,” gushed Gail.

I have to admit, Kev’s was the only dish that made me say “mmm” out loud to my TV. So why is he still ranked so low? Well, I thought about putting him as high as number two, but I’m giving Gregory the benefit of a momentary lapse, and as for Voltaggio, he just beat Kev in a head-to-head contest. And going into the finale, I have to think that Voltaggio’s fancy-pants be-tweezer’d snootery is going to play better with the Italians than Thicc Kev’s deep-fried aw-shucks potato salad bullshit. Ay, skifozo, why you puttem uppa di pig feet inna mama pasta? Va fongool!

3. (even) Bryan Voltaggio

AKA: Flatbill Dad. Aka Bry Voltage. Aka Kyle Shanahan. Aka Linkin Clark Griswold. Aka Family Bry.

I’ve been thinking Linkin Clark was a favorite by reputation alone, but he blew his last chance at winning a quickfire this week when he tried to make lentils in 30 minutes. Lentils? You fool! Rookie move.

But again, these white tablecloth challenges seem to play right into Bry Guy’s artfully tattooed hands. He cooked a lamb saddle (my favorite sex move) and breezed right into the finals. Beating Big Kev in a one-on-one challenge was impressive, but I can’t quite see Family Bry winning it all at this point based on this season’s performance. Runner up, maybe. I’m just hoping for some solid, Italy-based dad humor.

Whoa, Vespas, huh? Well alriiiiight!

2. (-1) Gregory Gourdet

AKA: Kravitz. Aka Hepcat. Aka Lids. Aka Pollos Hermanos.

Damn, Gregory sure fell back to Earth this week. First, he lost a head-to-head to Kevin, then seemed uninspired in the elimination challenge. He drew Brooke’s dish, a prosciutto-wrapped monkfish over beet risotto, which to be fair does sound pretty weird. Even Brooke apologized for it.

To make matters worse, Gregory’s prosciutto “got lost in the shuffle” and so he ended up serving pork fat-braised monkfish over beet risotto with pickled veg that was desperately crying out for prosciutto. Ay, where’s the prosciutto?

He ended up in the bottom two alongside Malarkey who, luckily for Gregory, was practically begging to go home.

There are a few ways to look at this: either Gregory had a subpar week, losing to Kev and then turning in an uninspired dish with a silly mistake; or he took it easy on Kev because he’s nice and was risking nothing, and then was one dumb prosciutto accident away from a solid dish that the judges probably would’ve loved. He even seemed to talk Malarkey out of quitting at the last minute.

Sorry, I have no predictions. Gregory seems chill as hell though. And I can’t wait to see what a guy who pulls off a fringed leather vest as casual wear is going to dress like in Italy.

1. (+1) Melissa King

AKA: Zen Master. Aka Dimples. Aka Shutterstock.

I’ve had Melissa ranked behind Gregory these past few weeks but after this week Melissa was undeniable. Cool as a cucumber dip, this one. She managed to win the quickfire challenge with a “tofu salad,” aka a block of tofu right out of the package with some pickles on top with dressing. That is some sorcery. How are you going to compete with someone who wins with an uncooked block of tofu?

She breezed into the elimination challenge and immediately won again, with quail. Those tiny, easy-to-overcook little birds seem high risk, low reward to me, but I guess that’s why I’m here writing about TV shows in my underpants.

Melissa is looking like the clear favorite at this point. I can only hope she pisses off some Italians by pairing the wrong meat with the wrong pasta shape. That’ll get you ostracized for life over there. Serving seafood with orecchiette to Italians is like wearing white after labor day to WASPs. Then the hand gestures start up and before you know it you’ve got the evil eye.

Be careful out there, that’s all I’m saying.

Vince Mancini is on Twitter. Read more of his cooking commentary in UPROXX’s Cooking Battles and Viral Cooking. For past Top Chef Power Rankings, go here.

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The NBA isn’t yet ready to announce a formal plan to restart the 2019-20 season and, according to reporting from ESPN’s Adrian Wojnarowski, the league’s board of governors isn’t expect to hold an official vote during a meeting on Friday. However, additional information came to light through reporting from Kevin O’Connor of The Ringer on Thursday evening, with a recap of what transpired when NBA commissioner Adam Silver spoke with the NBA’s general managers this week.

Prior to Silver’s meeting with decision-makers, a survey was distributed to gauge the opinions from all corners of the league. In the meantime, plenty of attention has been paid to restart plans that involve alternate formats, including Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban publicly proposing a play-in tournament of sorts. With that in mind, O’Connor brings word that the league’s general managers, to the tune of a significant majority, would favor a play-in tournament to a “World Cup-style” group stage.

General managers were surveyed about a “playoffs-plus” format—either a play-in tournament between the bubble teams to determine the final seeds in the playoffs, or a World Cup–style group stage, which would replace the end of the regular season and the first round of the playoffs with a round-robin format. About 75 percent of teams voted in favor of a play-in tournament, sources said, while 25 percent of teams voted in favor of the group stage.

As O’Connor notes in the piece, there is plenty of incentive for each team to vote in its own interest, making the results slightly less indicative of the greater good. Still, the survey also returned a verdict of “half” of the league voting to cancel the regular season in favor of a playoff-only format.

It has to be said that, ultimately, this is a decision heavily weighed to the ownership level, rendering the viewpoints of basketball decision-makers at least slightly less important. In addition, the league and the NBPA must ultimately agree on whatever the proposed plan will be. It is certainly interesting to think about what might transpire, though, and the No. 1 takeaway from the reporting on the survey and Thursday’s call is a preference from the general managers on a play-in tournament over other alternative options.

Keanu Reeves is arguably more powerful now than he’s ever been, having emerged from his post-Matrix life to score a beloved franchise, revive one of his old properties, and become a meme mainstay. He’s so incredibly powerful he can even change movie titles at will. Indeed, as per ComicBook.com, John Wick is only called John Wick because Keanu kept getting the title wrong.

And what was that original title for the movie about a retired assassin who kills everyone because someone murdered his dog? Scorn. Maybe John Wick isn’t that great a title, but better ultra-specific than hopelessly vague. (Besides, “scorn” doesn’t even begin to encapsulate Wick’s bottomless rage.) But in a new interview with the site, franchise co-creator Derek Kolstad offers an origin story for the title.

“The only reason it’s called John Wick is that Keanu kept referring to it as John Wick. […] Marketing was like, ‘Dude, that’s four to five million dollars in free advertising so far, so it’s John Wick instead of Scorn.’ I can’t imagine it being Scorn now.”

The power of Keanu! Now if only he can force the pandemic to abate and finally make it safe to not socially distance, we may get John Wick 4.

(Via ComicBook.com)

It’s official: we’re making this a whiskey summer. Home or on a microadventure (always socially distanced), we’re going to keep sipping whiskeys, whiskies, bourbons, and the like this season. Sure, we’ll still enjoy our gins, rums, tequilas, and vodkas — those more traditional summer spirits will get plenty of love — but summer ’20 is going to feature more than a few whiskey drams. With everything going on in the world we need it.

When we do drink whiskey around these parts, you’ll notice that it’s often bourbon. This sweet, corn-based whiskey is the perfect sipper (or mixer) for the hot summer months. Just ask Tommy Tardie, founder and owner of The Flatiron Room in New York City.

“Bourbon is the whiskey I lean on this time of year,” he says. “You get the sweetness from the corn combined with the caramel, vanilla, and brown sugar flavors from the oak barrel.”

The qualities Tardie identifies make bourbon the perfect base for summery drinks like the whiskey sour, the whiskey highball, and the mint julep. They also make it a smooth dram straight up or with ice. Which begs the question — which bourbons should we pour while the sun is beating down? To help answer that, we’ve enlisted the help of some of our favorite bartenders.

Four Roses Yellow Label

Seth Lowe, owner of 39 North Spirits in Eagle, Colorado

Affordability still plays a factor here if we are going to be quaffing bourbon on a hot day, and this also has to blend well in mixed drinks. Four Roses Yellow Label is an excellent choice, due both to its approachability and availability. It’s easy for us to recommend WL Special Reserve, which is a bargain but it’s also increasingly difficult to find. So let’s stick with Four Roses Yellow Label, which can still be picked up in most liquor stores across the country.

Garrison Brothers Texas Straight Bourbon

Nancy Conaway, bartender at Republic Street Bar in Fort Worth, Texas

Garrison Brothers. This small-batch bourbon is not only delicious and rich, but it also has an incredible history. The brand has faced many challenges by being the first legal distillery in Texas, especially since they rely on local sourcing to deliver an amazing product. Truly special.

Old Forester 86

Robert Swain Jr., owner of OnTheRoX Bartending Services in the British Virgin Islands

A blackberry bourbon lemonade comes to mind when I think of a ‘bourbon summer special” and the right bourbon for the job is Old Forester. With blends of honey, orange, and lemon there’s no question this is an awesome bourbon for the hot summer days.

Michter’s 10-Year

Tommy Tardie, founder and owner of Fine & Rare in New York City

I’m a big fan of Michter’s Distillery and their 10 year is a great bottle to enjoy with friends in a backyard. Pour it over a large cube of ice, add a splash of water or simply drink it neat. You can’t go wrong with this bottle.

Old Hamer

Jacob Cantu, tasting room manager for West Fork Whiskey Co. in Indianapolis

West Fork Whiskey Co. launched a new line of whiskey called Old Hamer. This historic bourbon plays tribute to Indiana’s heritage. A 99% corn and 1% malted barley mash bill creates a delectable smooth and sweet taste from the start to the finish. An easy drinker for any whiskey lover during the hot months.

Woodford Reserve

James Simpson, beverage director at Espita in Washington, DC

Woodford Reserve Bourbon is a great summer bourbon. The classic whiskey to make the signature Summer Julep cocktail, also pairs well with berries, watermelon, and citrus– which are all plentiful in summer.

Angel’s Envy

Hayden Miller, head bartender at Bodega Taqueria y Tequila in Miami

It’s hard to pick one summer whiskey because there are so many. I prefer Angel’s Envy. Angel’s Envy is a nice, light bourbon. Even before icing it down, this bottle lends itself to another pour.

Maker’s Mark

Todd Johnston, beverage director at Thompson Nashville

During the summer I’m looking to drink something easy and refreshing. I tend to stay away from spirits that are rich and heavily oaked. With that being said, bourbon isn’t typically my summer go-to — but I have found that a wheated bourbon does the trick, offering softer fruit and spice notes than what you may be used to drinking. An easy-to-find classic wheated bourbon is Maker’s Mark.

Four Roses Single Barrel

Brock Schulte, bar director of The Monarch Bar in Kansas City

Four Roses Single Barrel, they bottle right at 100 proof, so it comes in nice and hot but over nice large Clinebell cube it becomes this delicately sweet bourbon that’s easy to drink, relaxin, and delicious.

Writer’s Pick:

Elijah Craig Small Batch

Not only is this whiskey under $40 per bottle, but it’s also smooth, mellow, and full of corn sweetness, vanilla, and honey, with a subtle hint of peppery spice at the end. It’s perfectly suited for a whiskey highball or slow sipping on a back porch on a cool, summer evening.

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